Becoming a better ghost

[Azzork]

What's frustrating to me is that Sandi posted some great insight here:

Where in the detachment information does it tell you to stop having feelings for your wife? I don't how many times you have said that you have been trying to detach but still love your wife. I will ask if you've read about detaching, and you claim you did.........but it doesn't sound as if you comprehend it.

Detachment does not mean you stop loving her. Has anyone ever told you differently? I don't think so. It does, however, teach how to have a healthy relationship, instead of a co-dependent. It teaches how to be your own person, have your own identity, instead of an unhealthy mesh some people see as a M.

Just a guess, but I'd say you read the article with a preconceived idea of detachment, therefore, not really soaking in the true message. The same reason many newcomers never bother to read that link Cadet adds in his post.

And your next post, less than a half hour later discusses not a single one of her points. It's just you continuing on from where you left off.

Every day I am working in being a better ghost making the changes that matter to me, Fogg summed things up to me in a post to me a few days ago I am still thinking way too much about my W and the control that she has.

I want to try to make things better between my W and I but when noting I do or say matters it is extremely disheartening to know that.

I have asked every question to myself ove and over again and I spoken to my W several times she knows how sorry I am for the break down of our marriage

I have learnt so much about where I have gone wrong and the mistakes I have made, people learn from mistakes

You are so focused on your feet, that you cant look up and see what is happening around you. Im not saying that you HAVE to listen to us. My point is that I wish you would REALLY think about the things that are being said to you. We come going around in circles, because it feels like you are picking out the "good" parts of the advice and ignoring the "bad" or "tough" parts. Then, you keep cycling back to the same things, because you arent willing to face the fears we're pointing out.

I cant even count the number of times youve written "I want to detach, but I love my wife". Youve gotten the same answer over and over. But it's like you dont want to put the work in to ACTUALLY work on detaching. Unfortunately, thats not something we can do for you.

[SciDad]

You can think about your wife and still love her, but think about yourself first. It's not self-centered, but rather focusing on the people who are invested in you. She is not invested in you. You need to be invested in you.

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."

-Maya Angelou

[mutatio]

Hi Ghost read another story and thought you might get something from it. Its about what we put ourselves through with our thinking. Let me know what you think.

“There’s another story that you may have read that has to do with what we call heaven and hell, life and death, good and bad. It’s a story about how those things don’t really exist except as a creation of our own minds. It goes like this: A big burly samurai comes to the wise man and says, “Tell me the nature of heaven and hell.” And the roshi looks him in the face and says: “Why should I tell a scruffy, disgusting, miserable slob like you?” The samurai starts to get purple in the face, his hair starts to stand up, but the roshi won’t stop, he keeps saying, “A miserable worm like you, do you think I should tell you anything?” Consumed by rage, the samurai draws his sword, and he’s just about to cut off the head of the roshi. Then the roshi says, “That’s hell.” The samurai, who is in fact a sensitive person, instantly gets it, that he just created his own hell; he was deep in hell. It was black and hot, filled with hatred, self-protection, anger, and resentment, so much so that he was going to kill this man. Tears fill his eyes and he starts to cry and he puts his palms together and the roshi says, “That’s heaven.”

There isn’t any hell or heaven except for how we relate to our world. Hell is just resistance to life. When you want to say no to the situation you’re in, it’s fine to say no, but when you build up a big case to the point where you’re so convinced that you would draw your sword and cut off someone’s head, that kind of resistance to life is hell.” — page 31-32 Chapter 7 – “Taking a Bigger Perspective” – The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving-Kindness, Pema Chödrön, Shambhala, 1991

[Maximus]

Hi G,

Good to see some improvement in you but unfortunately for the wrong reasons. This decision to detach or not will affect you from now until after you 2 S or D. I hope that does not happen.

You are still working on being a better G for her, not you. If you saw that breakdancing in the morning dressed as a clown made her smile you would do it without hesitating, even if you didnt like and then mention here you have improved.

Stop trying to make things better, especially when you do not know what to do to make it better. You have tried most probably more things than you care to admit here. Still nothing works. So what are you going to do, same things but with a twist? Why not forget here and focus on yourself?

If you focus on yourself half heartedly it will take twice as long to stand out. Thats if it does stand out. You HAVE to come across as though she is right, there is NO future together so you are moving forward. Turn that eye forward, stop looking at her reactions and see what you can do more for yourself.

You do not know if the little bit you are doing has taken a brick off the wall if you dont follow the advice here as well as give it TIME. She has said she felt negative towards you for years. You want to improve in months. If you dont DB correctly it will take longer.

Think of it as tetris. Everyday you DB wrongly is a brick wrongly placed in the wall. If you DB correctly things begin to settle and after a few DB days a brick or bricks may come off. Continue to DB your way, it may be game over before you know it.

One final thing I have learnt G... Yes your w may know how sorry you are and she has probably forgiven you in her heart but she may no longer love you as a H.

I view Forgiving as acceptance and waiving any negative feelings or desire for punishment. However that does not mean reconciliation or love as you want.

saying your sorry means you regret or are saddened by something. She may accept your regret and no longer desire any punishment for you. However you two are not the loving couple where one is hurt and the other asks for forgiveness which when granted means they can continue with their R which is tower of love. You two do not have that, only barren wasteland.

Have you really learnt from your mistakes? How are you proving it to her besides words so that all that you say hurt your marriage will no longer be present?

I have not read all your posts but the most I have read you still seem to be spirographing, ie going forward but in circles. I am worried that at the moment your W has not acted as rebellious as some others and you will not be prepared or enough if she goes into overdrive or your r dissolves.

Heads Up Bro

Max

[mahhhty]

G -

I think you have a ton of good advice. But another piece is the idea of attraction. She isn't attracted to you, b/c you probably remind her of a terrible situation. Start to be more charismatic, even if it is an act. Remember, Act As If.

Watch this...
http://www.businessinsider.com/tony-robbins-what-makes-charismatic-people-attractive-2015-11

"If you want to be more attractive make a decision to live in a beautiful state. To say, I'm not going to give up my happiness over little stuff. I'm not going to be obsessed about things I can't control. I'm going to focus on what I can control and can do. And when people are generous, when they are playful, when they are warm, when they are sincere, when they are loving. People love to be around them. There is nothing more attractive. And when someone is always bitching, always complaining, always whining, always blaming someone else, always fearful or always worried. They are a bummer to be around. Just pick it out. So what does it take to be attractive, what it really takes is appreciating your life. Most people their upsets are because their expectations aren't meet. They expect people to be a certain way, expect yourself to be a certain way, expect the government to be a certain way. And it isn't. I always tell people to trade their expectations for appreciation. And your whole life will change like that. If you can just start appreciating the people around you, appreciate this moment, appreciating the things you aren't noticing, you will live in a beautiful state. And other people will find being around you an attractive or enjoyable experience, its that simple." - T. Robbins

[ATPeace]

Azzork

In I honesty I did not see sandi2 post until I had written my post not quite sure why the over lap I think I was logged in to my iPad and the thread had not updated

I know I am going arround in circles and getting nowhere I have not read the last too posts on my thread yet either but will do this after replying to this and to sand

I will re rewd the detachment thread

I am very codependent and I struggle to think of my life without my W It can happen and I will have to manage

I suppose for me it was the fact that my W told me she finished things with me because I did not do enough for her and with our children I have said I am sorry I did not listen more and she says so am I almost implying if I had listens more then I would not be where I am now

Then my W reads a book hi lighting various things that I did or did not do that made her feel emotionally controlled and abused and this just confirmed to her that hose feels she mad the right decision in ending things

The fact that I understand now fully understand where I went wrong and the fact that I am becoming a better ghost does not equate to anything andy more and I understand this.

I feel more for my daughter who is two and my son who is eleven and how they are going to feel growing up going from house to house every few days

Will read the detachment thread and the last few comments here

I know I have been very slow to start to get this I just still want to try and find a new destination

Thank you

Ghost

[Azzork]

In I honesty I did not see sandi2 post until I had written my post not quite sure why the over lap I think I was logged in to my iPad and the thread had not updated
It was just an example. No big deal. But I've noticed it before that posts that I thought were insightful being passed by.

I know I am going arround in circles and getting nowhere I have not read the last too posts on my thread yet either but will do this after replying to this and to sand
Enough. Dont tell us anymore. Just stop doing it.

I will re rewd the detachment thread
Good. This is IMPORTANT.

I am very codependent and I struggle to think of my life without my W It can happen and I will have to manage
Yes. It's clear you are struggling. What are you doing about it, besides telling us how hard it will be?

I suppose for me it was the fact that my W told me she finished things with me because I did not do enough for her and with our children I have said I am sorry I did not listen more and she says so am I almost implying if I had listens more then I would not be where I am now
Yes. We know what your W told you. Hopefully, by now, you can guess what our opinion of THAT is. The more you listen to HER, the more you will SPIN.

Then my W reads a book hi lighting various things that I did or did not do that made her feel emotionally controlled and abused and this just confirmed to her that hose feels she mad the right decision in ending things
Around and around and around and around.

The fact that I understand now fully understand where I went wrong and the fact that I am becoming a better ghost does not equate to anything andy more and I understand this.
Ugh. this is so backwards. Look what you just wrote.
"I am becoming a better person but it doesnt mean anything."

What. The. Hell.

I feel more for my daughter who is two and my son who is eleven and how they are going to feel growing up going from house to house every few days
Here's what I think. They will be much better off having a 100% parent half the time than a 30% parent all of the time. Focus on being the 100% parent the time that you have them. The rest will be OK.

Will read the detachment thread and the last few comments here

I know I have been very slow to start to get this I just still want to try and find a new destination

ENOUGH. Dont worry about this. Just freaking DO it going forward.

[Vapo]

Good job Ghost,

you have managed to piss AZ off. The man has the patience of a Sphynx.

That truly is an irritating personality trait you have, that you have been given the same advice MULTIPLE times (tens of times) yet you choose to ignore it.

What is stopping you moving forward? Are your feet poured in cement?

[sandi2]

Ghost, please google "Obsessive Thinking, Worry, and Cognitive Behavior Therapy". This has your name written all over it.

[ATPeace]

First I feel I owe Azzork my apologies I do not mean to piss you off sandi2 I know you must be at the end as well I am sorry

I will try and talk a little about me rather than my W

I have found the last five to six months extremely difficult I do not want to accept what my W has told me and that is my marriage is over.

When my W first told me that it was over she wanted me to leave and move to my parents house I was reluctant to do this and refused and I was advised not to move out the home as legally this would weaken my position.

Over the last six months I have realised many things

I am codependant
I am extremely scared to be alone
I do not want my marriage to end ( I have failed her and myself )
I have let my children down
I am scared this will have ramifications for my children for ever
I have been labeled as an abuser and I can see how some of my actions were abusive
I spin over the same things time and time again and find no way to make things better
I am probably suffering from depression and anxiety
My work is suffering
And mŷ health is probably suffering

I have no interest in doing things for myself

My whole life now resolves arround trying to please the W
Doing housework chores
Looking after my children

I spend every spare moment on the Internet reading whatever I can about what might make things better

I found a marriage councillor who charges £750 for a 90 minute assessment session I was considering this ...I must be crazy ..,but then what is my marriage worth .....

I get fantastic help and support from the kind people here yet manage to piss off even the most caring of people

I am terrified to move forward i have my W living in the same house I see her every day but she gives me no affection everything else seems the same ...some marriages survive with no sex

I miss the hugs and the kisses and the conversation it feels just so lonely

I understand that she makes her own choices

I will get through this
Thank you all for being here

Sandi2 I will google this

Thank you

Ghost