Striving to keep the peace within

[mleigh4]

Great insight Heather:) We can only do our best to raise our children to have strong values and self respect. I think after what we have been through, we will be extra attentive and aware of our children's romantic choices!

[mleigh4]

Hello. Just a weekend check in.

Enjoying a very nice and mellow weekend with my son. It's nice and needed after having such a busy Thanksgiving weekend. Watched S buddy for a few hours Friday night. Went on a walk this morning with my girlfriend and dog, I was even able to drag S along!

I finally got a bolt lock put on my front door. I have had nothing but a simple lock, it has bothered me for years and especially now that S and I are home alone. I have not told H, and I don't have a key for him, I don't see any reason to. However, I let S know where the keys are hidden outside in case we ever got locked out.

I put out more Christmas decorations inside and outside the house. A guy was driving by while I was outside. He stopped to tell me "looking good!" Nice to hear I assume he was talking about my decorations? Lol

I am making plans with friends for the next few weekends, to keep S and I busy.

I was debating with myself about asking H if he wants to join us to get a Christmas tree. I decided I am at a point where I would need to see effort from him. Then I was thinking, maybe he will ask me about it. I could literally hear his text message ring in my head, then all of a sudden I actually heard it on my phone. I got a wave of excitement, I very rarely hear from him on my weekends with S. Well, he was just asking me to measure S head for a helmet. I kicked myself for even responding to it. He could have waited to figure it out himself.

So I was thinking more about our relationship. When I think back, I basically feel like I dictated all the steps. I suggested we get married, how pathetic is that. We were in Cancun, he kept insisting I climb Chichen itza. I thought for sure it was because he was going to propose at the top. Did not happen. I told him later that day and laughed about it, he proposed that night. Out of guilt? I will never know.

I suggested having a child, I planned all vacations, we hung mainly with my friends. H had like no identity, it was like he just tagged along and went with the flow. It's no wonder he needs to live his own life now, I can't see a reason why he would want to come back...

Just honest thoughts going through my mind. But like I said, I feel like I should not be asking him to join or suggesting plans or ideas to him. It's time he speak up and make his own choices. If he wants to join S and I for something, he needs to say it. I have lost so much respect for him, it's something I need to see to gain some back.

I need to set up a daycare schedule for S for the 2 weeks he is out of school this month. I actually emailed H about it this morning, the first time I have ever emailed him. Lol. It was just too long to text and I didn't feel like calling him or even talking about it when I drop off S tomorrow. I wanted him to have the dates in writing and I wanted to make sure I explained it clearly. I am curious to see how he responds to the email and if it helps to plan a schedule with him.

Not much else new here. All is good and enjoying my favorite time of year. Hope you all are having a nice weekend.

[peacetoday]

Butterfly

You are sounding strong

I like the idea of seeing if H will make his own choices -sounds like a 180

and the email, keeping it simple and to the point

creating a good co-parenting situation

hope you enjoy your evening!

[peacetoday]

sorry..name wrong! but the post was for u

[job]

mleigh,
It's time to step back and allow your h to make decisions on his own w/o your assistance. He'll never grow up and learn how to make decisions if you are there to "save" him. Part of growing up is learning responsibility and accountability. Give your h the gift of time and space. He will grow up, but it will be on his own time clock.

You and your son will enjoy yourselves in selecting a Christmas tree. Your h won't miss you, your son and the many activities that you share if he's there w/you every step of the way. The only saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true. Select a tree, dress the tree and then if you want to invite him over for a toddy and/or cookies, then do so. Make sure the house smells of delicious foods and warm memories so that he has something to take back to the "ranch" to think about.

You are doing very well and I hope that your h realizes what a treasure you are and will come home in the coming year.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job. So one thing I struggle with is the worry of H believing I have moved on and that I no longer want him around by doing our traditional family things without inviting him.....that comment about me being happier now haunts me a little bit.....

But then as I type that, the truth is that I am only honoring his wishes, right? He left our home and family. If he wants to become a part of it again, HE needs to take those steps without me holding his hand. That way I also would know it is what he WANTS and chooses to do...

Does my thinking sound correct and on track to you?

MIL sent an email inviting me to her annual Christmas Eve party. Usually it's an open house style, this year she wants a head count. I replied that I already have plans, but thank you for the invite. (I don't have definite plans yet, I just know I want to be with friends) She replied that I am and will be missed and that she just wanted me to know that. I replied thank you, that I appreciate hearing that.

I keep getting emails from a work buddy of H, just random jokes. Last night I emailed him back to say that I just wanted to let him know that H is no longer at that address. I told him thanks and to take care.

Just another H reminder out of my hair.

[job]

If your h wants to be a part of your life, he needs to take the necessary steps. Sometimes, we have to let them go in order for them to grow up. Yes, by leaving him alone, you are honoring his wishes.

Let me put it to you this way...how can he miss you, your son and the life he had w/the both of you if he asked about joining in on family events? He can't. He's not spending enough time alone to actually miss the life he had w/you.

I would continue on making my own plans and if he should inquire about the tree, you then could tell him that you've gotten the tree already and have begun to decorate. Now, that would leave the door ajar for him to offer to come over and you could go from there...but to ask him about going...I still think you should go ahead unless you hear from him by the time you want to purchase one.

I'm glad you responded to the invite of your MIL. She still wants you to know that you are welcome and are family.

Okay, I'm going to give you another scenario about the jokes. Is it possible that your h is using his work buddy's computer to send jokes to you? People in crisis have been known to do this because it's safer and they can interact w/you w/o you even knowing it's them. Also, your h could have asked him to send those jokes to see how you would respond. Just food for thought.

I do think you've got a very good handle on your situation. The only thing I suggest is letting go, giving him the space and time to figure things out. Keep those expectations at zero and do not worry too much about what he said about you being happier. He doesn't realize how many egg shells you walked on while living under one roof.

Hang in there!

[mleigh4]

Thank you Job! Thank you so much. I get it, it all makes total sense. My heart gets a little soft at times, H has these eyes that get to me....but I got this.

I will stick to my plan, which is to pretty much continue on as is and stay quiet about Christmas. I don't like how I called the shots about Thanksgiving. This time, I stay quiet. I already know S will be waking up at home Christmas morning, I won't budge on that and S has already voiced that is how he wants it. I feel confident H won't take that away from me. So that leaves how he wants to spend that day up to him. My lips are sealed.

S and I have plans to get our tree on Sunday when he comes home from H.

I have started my Christmas shopping for S. Getting my own gifts on my own, again, not checking in with H about it.

Dropped off S tonight with H. We laughed while I told him the story of our kitten terrorizing us last night while she was hiding under S bed. You know, you try to get off the bed and she attacks your feet....we were hysterical last night. We have so much fun in this house! I still get the feeling H has something to say...there is such a hesitation whenever I leave....IDK, may just be nothing.

Not sure the work buddy's emails could be instigated by H. They go to a group of co-workers, not just me. It is strange that they had stopped for a long time, then started again, but could be just a mistake. I am curious if he told H that I replied back.

Thank you again Job for your continued support and your kind words

[CaliGuy]

M

so confession.... I have not posted in a bit but I consistently read up on you and cheer you on from afar. Was nice to see how you handled Thanksgivings and continue to handle your H.

Wanted to touch on that whole "You seem happier" thing. From what I have learned in all this ... you touched on it .. they have some guilt tucked and weaved in that depression they are going through. for my W more and more of that guilt seeps out as she continues to process it ... I suspect your H has a bit of that knowing what he is putting you and your S through weighs on him regardless if you can physically see it or not. He is still baking and its tough to know in limboland wth is going on with them regardless how hard we try or like me how good I was at mindreading.

My advice ... not that you need it as job is rock solid ... continue as you have, love regardless ... hang in there.

[mleigh4]

Always good to hear from you Cali!

H called the house tonight to go over the schedule for the 2 weeks S is off school this month. We actually got it covered between me, H, Grammy and S buddy's mom. I am proud of H for coordinating days off and coordinating with his mom.

So the Christmas conversation came up. He said he would like to have S Christmas Eve since that is his regular weeknight to have him anyway. I suggested that I was hoping to offer S a different option than going to grammies as he has done every year. H said, but I am going there and I am the parent. So I said so are you telling me I will never have a Christmas Eve with S again!? (H has taken him that night the last 2 years as I also have declined the invite to his mom's) H said it's only happening this year because it falls on his night. So I said I guess that depends on Christmas Day....what are your plans?

H said he assumes S wants to be home, so he figured after his mom's, they would come here and stay the night to wake up in our house Christmas morning. He went on to say that he would like to spend Christmas day with S, so since son will be home, that is where he would like to be. He said he could sleep on the couch, or with S, whatever, he just wanted to be with him here and when he wakes up Christmas morning.

I let it sink in, then told him I totally understand and that sounds fair, that I am ok with that. I said we could always make a prime rib or something....I didn't even finish the sentence before his whole tone changed and he cut me off and said, "YES PRIME RIB!" He said he has been craving that and went on rambling that he can buy it, what is the name of the cut, how many pounds, oh he can't wait to eat it yum....it made me laugh at how excited he got.

I will be honest, I am very happy about this plan. I was worried he would want to split the day, I really didn't want to do that with my son, Christmas day ever since he has been born means the world to me. I let H suggest the plan, it is his idea and request and I think it will be nice. Don't worry, I am aware nothing may change, but I am truly happy to be spending the day together, at home as a family. I get to have S home all day I won't lie, I am looking forward to it. I will do like Job said, have good food and nice memories for H to take home to his "ranch"

Another quick note...after that New Years Eve came up. H wants S that day and evening. I again (I know! I'm an only child, ok?) Said well what about me? I would like to have him some part of the holiday too since I may have the day off. So H said, "well we can all do New Years Eve together, I don't mind..." I cracked up and said, wow, that is a great invitation! How could I possibly pass that up??!! He cracked up too, it just sounded so terrible the way he said it. He said he didn't mean it to sound that way. Anyway, we decided to see who is able to get the day off with S and would figure it out later.

So I did good? I let him bring it up? I think with Christmas, yes I could have said no, we split the day, but that is not what I would have wanted for S. For any of us. Thanksgiving is one thing, Christmas another....I think this will be ok. I will just focus my day on me and S, assume H will be the distracted, rambling, sometimes cold MLC'er he has been for 2 years, all will be good! no expectations!