D-Day Tomorrow

[Uphill]

Bobby, I don't have any advise on your situation (I'm no expert and have never been in a sitch like yours). But what I can say is that I offer my support. The fact that you have told more of your "story" will help others help you. Some may seem a little harsh but they need to know where things went wrong to better help you. Nobody here is going to judge either of you. We all want the best for everybody! sometimes admitting your faults will begin the process of actually finding the root of the problem...

[Bobbyb]

I thought I answered why I did it?
I was trying to spice things up by meeting some people for adult fun. We had done that a few times in the past, and I thought it had enhanced our relationship. ( I know that is hard to understand)

[Uphill]

You did answer Bobby, I was saying that now others can better help you. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I personally know a couple that has done this sort of thing. It's prolly more common than you think.

[Bobbyb]

Thanks

[woundedfool]

First, thank you for coming clean. It will help.

Ok here it goes. Don't judge us, me or her.

Absolutely not.

A. Not listening to her and respecting her wishes.
B. Lying to her.
C. Not ever involving her in this process. I would do it
behind her back.

All good observations. But I would also further:

D. Why did you do it? (I know you kind of mentioned liking to show off, but were you trading things, were you promising things, etc)?

But based on ABC&D what steps are YOU taking to make change.

[Bobbyb]

If I would have done C from the beginning the A and B never would have happened.
I did not involve her in things that concerned her. That was selfish of me.
I am working on not worrying about making me happy. But working on making other people happy first.
I can dwell and feel sad, and miss my wife. I do that a lot.
But that is me being selfish. I am concentrating on putting my feelings aside and putting others first.

[Sotto]

Hi Bobby, I'm glad you posted what happened - it is helpful to have a little more context.

So, from what you say your W was once a willing participant in the process. Can I ask if her participation was reluctant (ie: she did it to please you?) or enthusiastic, but then she changed her mind?

I'm not sure how this suggestion stacks up in DB terms, but have you ever offered a heartfelt apology to her for what has happened? One of the suggestions in my divorce recovery workshop is that you seek forgiveness for your part in the demise of the marriage. You are recently D, and your W feels you betrayed her trust by your actions - might it help to write her a heartfelt letter - not for the purpose of restoring the M - but to apologise for what happened?

Incidentally, I can recall someone posting a while ago who was involved in the swinging scene. I think his W had an A with someone they met through that. It may be that many swingers have happy M's and engage in that scene happily - but it strikes that it must be challenging to balance doing this and having a happy M. Food for thought perhaps.

Take care xx

[Bobbyb]

Yes she was willing at first. Said she did it for me.
Then would tell me should didn't want to do it.....Said I don't want to do it right now. Not saying never. But would like to be involved in the process too.
I was contacting people behind her back and trying to set something up.
You think a heartfelt letter or email. Emails seem sort of....I don't know. Not as heartfelt.

[Sotto]

Hi Bobby, can I ask if you remain involved in that scene now? Or would hope to be going forwards? I imagine that would be a red flag to your XW if you were..

Yes, I agree a letter would be more hearfelt, but do wait and see what other posters think.

You may want to have a look at Mahhty's thread for a recent example...not suggesting you plagiarise of course, but just to get an idea of the tone and content.

[woundedfool]

Yes, I agree a letter would be more hearfelt, but do wait and see what other posters think.

Under no circumstances write a letter to give to her.