Black and white

[Fogg]

Interesting stuff Zues, curious to hear how well it works. Good luck.

[SunnyB]

Happy Thanksgiving, Zues. I hope you are spending it with people you love.

[Zues126]

Thanks Sunny! Happy Thanksgiving to you and all DB board members as well!

I'm not doing anything today. My family isn't getting together this year and I don't have my children today. It is snowing out. So I'm just going to stay home, relax, play some online poker and chess, watch a movie, read a bit, post a bit, and probably take a few naps I've never been very good at "GAL", but honestly I like the life I have and like being on my own a lot of the time. Last night I went out and shot some pool so I'm not a complete hermit.

OK- the hypnosis is a very good thing for me. I went in on Monday, and after discussion my hypnotist did a recorded session designed to start each day with. It has a couple of sections.

First is just getting relaxed, in a trance so to speak.

The next section is all about shrinking my thoughts. Like picturing your thoughts as if they have physical space, like a thought bubble for a cartoon character. When the bubble is big thoughts are racing quickly and it's uncomfortable. But with each breath the thought bubble gets smaller. Less thoughts fit in, and then they move more slowly. Little by little I visualize the thought bubble getting so small there is almost no thought at all. Then I bring it inside of me and feel almost completely still. I feel how much more manageable everything feels, how in control I feel. And I anchor that feeling, and that technique, so I can regroup at any point I feel anxious.

The third section is in terms of dealing with emotions. I am at a lake. I have a heavy rock in my hand I've been carrying. It is the pain and anger from the last year. I realize I don't have to keep carrying it. Then I visualize how I'll feel without the rock in my hand, how it will sound when it plunks to the bottom of the lake. Then I take a minute to THANK the rock, for making me who I am. Finally I cast it into the water and feel the relief from being less burdened. Sometimes I have more weight than that, so I have to go through this a few times.

The fourth section is on gratitude. I spend some time thinking of the things that fill my life with joy. I see my children, my parents, my best friend, my life itself. I let those feelings build and I take a moment to be really appreciative for what I have and the good in the world.

The last section is on visualizing my day and building my energy. I see myself working out in the gym, feeling good as the energy builds. Then I see myself moving through my day, present, calm, in control, and with a good feeling as I enjoy the road in front of me. Finally I build energy up in my body and am ready to go when the recording ends.

I've only been doing this three days now, but again, I used a hypnosis recording for pool so I know what it does. It ISN'T a magic bullet. But I think it was a good move for me, as it's a good way to start my day more proactively and intentionally. The first time I went through the gratitude section tears were rolling down my eyes as it was so profound, I was so overcome with the love I have around me.

Anyway, that's the update on that part of it. It does feel like a lot of weight is off my shoulders. It's not a magic wand, there is more I need to process...but so far so good.

So while I'm doing really well, and I am in my happy place right now. Thanks for checking in Sunny. Talk soon!

[JellyB]

Hi Zues,

Thanks for posting on my thread. I will post a response there. But I did want to say that you are like a touch stone for me. Your advice and care always feels big brotherly. Which is kinda nice since I never had a brother. Your comments always bring a sense of grounding to something I am trying to nut out.

So when I read that you were taking up some hypnotherapy, I was like OMG yes I know the relief that can bring. In 2006 when I returned from the UK to home. I was in burn out from two years of intense child protection social work, and my anxiety was off the charts. I used hypnosis then. The impact was immediate.

I chose hypnosis as I tired of talking therapy, I felt like I was continually reinforcing the trauma by verbally replaying the distress over and over again. I needed something else.

I had forgotten all about it until you mentioned it.

It is a very kind approach to self healing.

I hope it brings the relief and refocuss you are looking for Zues.

Lots of love

JellyBxxx

[Ancaire]

Hmmm....interesting! Definitely going to look into hypnotherapy to help deal with stress. Great tip, Zeus!

[isittoolate]

Ive got some trance/induction tracks that I listen to

One is to help me sleep another is for confidence and they definately help.

My self confidence/self esteem/self worth has taken a massive hit over the last few months - when W was detaching and after the latest BD.

Now I feel more self-confident at work and with my GAL friends. I still need to work on it at home, to stop my being fearful of every reaction by W to our sitch.

Every minor confrontation I initiate, I end up backing down and saying sorry. It makes me weak. I need to grow a pair and not react to W's anger and not to anticipate her reactions to my setting boundaries.

W is not an angry controlling person. My fear is that I will do something to cause her to escalate the situation to the next step, separation/divorce.

[PigPen]

Glad to hear you're doing well Zeus, and that you're using hypnosis for yourself. How do you think it worked for you on the pool front?

I've been following some of your thoughts on other threads regarding your future relationships, what you can expect from them and if they're even worth getting into. Lots of introspection, but it also seems like a lot of thinking in an arena where rationality isn't going to work ahead of time. We just can't figure out a potential relationship before it happens. It's like trying to think our way into learning how to swim by reading books. Everything changes once you dive in the pool for the first time.

Future relationships are on a lot our minds as our M's slowly wither away. We all carry the pains of our M's exploding, and the subsequent aftermath into our day to day lives, especially when we think of the possibility of having to go through the scenario again some day.

I have a feeling that someone is going to come along when you're ready and she'll change your view on many things. Her desires and appetites may match or even surpass your own, crazy as it may feel. With 7 billion people on the planet and a number of them female, I can't imagine that you have the most extreme outlook on sexuality.

If the match is a good one, she's also going to allow you to just be Zeus. You'll get to be you with all of your intensity and drive. She may even surpass you in this area too. Or just give you the space to be as intense or relaxed as you feel. The need for the intensity may get softened by being supported in ways you don't know about because you've never experienced them.

Each person brings a completely unique flavor to a relationship. What we all have to compare them to is the women we've been with in the past. But that's not fair, as each person is so unique. Women you date will have their past relationships to compare with you but how unique are you? How many men have your background, your intelligence, your drive? How many have your experience with pool to shape their world view?

I'm sorry your M blew up Zeus, and I'm sorry your W hasn't been able to get past herself to recognize just how much work you've done. It sounds like she hasn't done much of her own at all. On some level I feel sorry for her because not only is she missing out on you and the family she probably wants, but she's also missing out on actualizing herself.

You're one of the long time guys on here that's still active so I appreciate your presence and comments, you could have bailed a while back as many before you have.

I hope you have a peaceful Sunday.

PP

[Zues126]

Thanks PP. I think I'm just confused on which parts of my outlook are idealistic and just destructive, and which are healthy and productive.

For example...it doesn't feel like it's that crazy to think a woman could understand and accept me for who I am...but maybe that's idealistic? Or maybe I'm supposed to be able to accept that's not possible, play the game, and by doing so have at least a lasting partnership if not the marriage I actually wanted...But people act as if there is a 'match out there somewhere' as if it's a matter of finding the right person, which I don't believe as I see that as idealistic and the reason behind so many D's (we're not the right match for each other, etc)...But maybe the idea of accepting what you're given and staying loyal to one partner even if it doesn't feel like you're a fit is idealistic and I should just embrace relationship hopping...

So confusing to me. I can't tell the rules of the game. I'd like to think it works like this [Zues's Mariage Rules]: Rule 1. You pair up with someone. Rule 2. You never get to leave the partnership. Rule 3. You agree to both do everything possible to reach a mutually fulfilling partnership. Rule 4. You never give up on #3. Rule 5. Anything that is difficult, distasteful, irritating, frustrating, or challenging, MUST be overcome by one party, the other, or through TEAMWORK, until the objective is accomplished. See, I guess deep down I just expected that this was obvious, that anyone that played the game of marriage would play by these rules. But this forum proves otherwise.

My longwinded point, PP, is that it's clear the world doesn't operate under my set of rules. It's caused me a lot of loss, and I don't want to compound that by beating my head against reality. If you can't beat them, join them. I'm trying to learn the rules of this game so I can play it. The sad part to me is the idea of running through a lot of relationships trying to find the person that plays this way...well, to me that violates rule 2. But again, I'm not worried about it right now. Just can't help but wonder which rule I broke, and trying to understand the game that's going on around me.

As for the hypnosis with pool...it did help, but it certainly wasn't a magic bullet. It helped me stay refreshed and calm during high intensity high pressure marathons. It reminded me what my real goals were.

More later, thanks all.

[JulieH]

Zues, When I met my husband one of the things I liked was that he directly told me "I will call you on Tuesday". He did not play that wait 3 day to call game. I hate that. Who makes these rule up anyhow. They are ridiculous and everyone knows them anyhow so following them is kind of silly. I understand your desire for honesty in a relationship. I think it's refreshing and was not trying to advise you to change, only saying that I understand how in a relationship that was rocky it would probably be misconstrued by a wife.

Reflecting on it, right now in my present situation, if my husband was to come and tell me that these past few months he was attracted to another woman at work, never acted on it, no longer has these feelings and wants to recommit to a relationship with me I would Appreciate it so much more then any lies and betrayal I am assuming he committed. I would work torwards making our relationship better.

PP s advise is great by the way.

[Zues126]

This afternoon my S11 mentioned something about not being able to do something at mom's house because they always had to be quiet so they didn't bother her friend. How mom always have friends that stay over for the night in her room. How he doesn't even know who these people are, and he doesn't like it, he feels like he should know who's in his own house.

This bothered me on two levels. One is that this isn't behavior I ever wanted modeled for my kids. Another is I still felt a sting, the reminder of the horror of the loss of the M and the grotesque aftermath.

But back to what I can control. I model my behavior to the kids, and while it isn't perfect, I can almost see the nourishment they get from being with me.

As for my personal pain, I just used the old 'convert to gambling addiction' technique. Instead of thinking about STBX as having affairs, I imagined how I'd feel if she was a gambling addict, and I learned that she had just lost her last paycheck at the casino for the 60th week in a row. My feelings wouldn't be hurt. I wouldn't take it personally. I would just realize that she was a struggling soul that gave in to an addiction. There is no surprise anymore. And it has nothing to do with me.

There is still more to process, more to grieve, and more to accept. But her actions aren't impacting me anymore. It's been all about me for some time now. And there is more and more good stuff going on in my life. Hope this can be a guide for some newer forum members struggling with fresh betrayals.