Answer to: "why didn't you hear it from ME?"

[Flight]

Are we kidding ourselves? Are we buying into the marriage reconciliation indusry, where they make money on books and coaching? Is it noble and kind to be the martyr and try to save the marriage? Or when somene is showing you they don't want to be with you, are the one-way texts and trying to fill their love bank and waiting them to "come around" just selfish and arrogant, as in you know best for them. They are in the fog and they will see the error of their ways when they come out of it.

Is it new-agey or correct to say, "I respect your right to choose, even if your choice is to have an affair"? And then what? Go dark? Divorce immediatlely because being subjected to that treatment is just "wrong"? I suppose it would be easier for me if I didn't all the complications of finances, feelings about romantic love and family, and also trying to wonder what is really best for our D.

[pinn]

Flight are you OK today? I value advice that you have given me in the past. I feel your frustration.

[Flight]

I did seem cynical in that post, didn't I? I was questioning a choice I knew I should make but have been avoiding all along. I came to the conclusion that my W has serious character flaws and they are the reason she chose to have an A, and even worse, continued to show horrible behvavior long after. I was enabling her and became just a shell of a man trying to "nice her back to me". I burn my bridge last night.

After her once again trying to "sell" me on her own self-serving idea to basically have an open marriage (let's be separated but keep living in the same house and you let me continue the A), I told her exactly what I have been wanting to tell her. I was not mean or angry, but I had had enough of her telling me how I only put my needs first and wouldn't see "logic". I told her she certainly wasn't putting her husband first when she lied and cheated and caused all this devistation. She certainly wasn't putting her DD first when she was picking out paint for their love nest. So let's not debate whose needs are really coming first here. She can let me buy her out and if none of those options are good enough for her, as nothing in her life has ever been, we sell the house and go our separate ways. I am "done" as she liked to say.

She went even more insane than she normally does. She lost control of me so then tried some of the usual menthods to tweak my fear based responses to get me back in the fold. I did not bite. She went even more bezerk. This is not healthy for me. I have no indication that she will ever look inward at herself or take any responsiblity for her own actions. She acts from a position of entitlement and blaming others. I don't need that in my life and I don't need that as a model for my daughter to grow up emotionally healthy.

W did all the 3 year old tantrum things you would expect. Went on a text tirade, blocked me from chat, called me names... She is now hiding in her room to avoid me since last night. I wonder how long that will last. Not really. I don't care. Did I mention I am done?

I feel sad for her because I know her and I have learned enough about him to feel fairly certain that her life will be destroyed to pursue something that probably sooner than later will be her rock bottom. He is insecure and controlling and shows very poor judgement and lack of impulse control. He left his second wife and got an apartment near us thinking she was going to move in right away. They already had a fight the first month of the EA that he had to apologize for. I am not sure who is going to hurt who first, but it would be interesting if it was she that gets hurt this time and has to face throwing everything away for her last chance at "true love" only to be left with the hard, cold consequences of her choices. Merry Christmas!

[pinn]

wow flight... I feel for you. I think it is good that you stepped up and told her that you will not live like this. I am new, but I think that is a pretty decent boundary to set. Sounds like she was having the best of both worlds, time for a little reality. Probably time for LRT for you right or are you really completely done?

[RAI]

Flight, I could have written your last post. My WW is nuts. It seems like you are beginning to liberate yourself from her crazy. I have not visited your thread in a while, but you definitely sound much stronger and grounded than you did when I last checked in.

Sorry, you are going through this.

Strength,

RAI

[Flight]

As for whether I am done or not, let's say I am proceeding as if I am done. I have no reason to believe from her actions that she will ever come out of the fog. Unless she suddenly takes full responsibility for her actions and shows true regret, gets what she will have to do in herself to fix her character/sense of entitlement/world view, there is no way to have a healthy relationship. I certainly won't accept, "Ok, for our daugthers sake, I will give this one more try"

So I am fully "selfish" now as she loves to constanly throw at me, and unapologetically so. She deserves nothing from me. I need to do what I need to do for myself to stand alone and take care of my daughter. So I have to focus on financial issues and my other goals for the future. This is firm, not bitter. I will continue to be cordial to her, even smile or chit chat if she wants to talk, but in general, I will treat her like a boarder or roommate.

[Flight]

I need more help with dropping the rope. I think I really need to get to the point where I don't care. I feel sometimes like I am being "mean" because being so terse is out of character, sort of like "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn". I would be more, "Scarlett, I don't want to be mean to you, but I'm done". I wonder if Sandi is still following and can chime in. When ignoring the bait and having minimum interaction, when they push your buttons do you smile and walk away or say something to push them back?

[sandi2]

I love Rhett Butler! Here's my picture story of dropping the rope.

Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels buried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?

She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?

She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little bit so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope."

[gonegrl]

Thank you Flight and Sandi. I needed to hear this today. I am stuck in a bit of a slump- its ok, I think I needed the slump to do some serious introspection before I can take a big step forward- but anyhow, I feel like I am getting closer to dropping the rope and the last few posts are helping me get psyched up for the next step. I am going to drop the rope. Soon. Very soon. I am almost there.

[Flight]

I have asked her to see a mediator about telling our DD, gotten boxes to start packing my stuff, and told her I won't live in an in-house divorce where she gets to date. She is all over the show now. Saying, "fine, why wait, let's see your lawyer. I need to know because I need to start looking for an apartment" and when I say I will set it up, "Why can't you see the benefits to all of us if we keep the house? You only think of yourself!" After standing up for myself when she speaks to me in a tone I won't accept, she is avoiding me and we barely speak.Right now I think I will speak or text only if spoken to.

Part of dropping the rope is realizing however "wrong" we may want to make them, a cheater has a right to make their own choices, however hurtful we judge them to be. If they feel free to not have anyone telling them what to do, they may run or they may feel they can stay of their own accord. I just feel this is a dysfunctional situation and I can't live in it anymore.