I can only validate your heartbreak Pho. I'm like you, and I don't know how to deal with it. I guess time is really a healer. If you look back at the beginning of DB, are you still the same person. My IC told me that affair provokes devastation in our heart, so it might take a while before it goes away. I love my H very much, but he isn't showing any sign of coming back, so I have to tell myself that i will always love him, it's not reciprocal and that there is someone out there for me!
Lately I have thought that I obsess about my sit every waking hour. But once I stopped to think about it, I realized that when I go out and dance on Friday nights, I am not obsessed. I did not even realize I was getting a break. Try to find the activities in your life that offer you a temp break and do more of those. Then you can more easily make the decision to choose to save your M, instead if you feeling you HAVE to save it.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Pho, I feel the same way: it would be so much easier if he had died instead of leaving me. Not uncommon to feel that way. Hope everyone realizes m not trying to make light of the people who acfually become widows/widowers.
Also, I still often dream that we work it out. So devastating when I realize it was just a dream
No wise words here, just wanted to let you know that I can relate.
You said "But things have been improving, so what if they continue to improve but are still not where I want them to be? At what point do I decide that its enough."
My answer to the question "How do I know when to choose to divorce?" is simple and straight forward. I will choose to divorce when the pain of staying is greater then the pain of leaving.
You said "I have been realizing that music is so helpful. I can immerse myself in singing, dancing, being silly with music and that is one of the only things that gets my mind off things."
Music is an incredible thing. When you listen to music you must stay in the present moment.You can not dwell in the past. You cannot go ahead. You are in the here and now. Very cool indeed.
I find that music helps as well however certain songs can be a trigger for memories special memories
If you stay away from these then you can loose yourself and it will help
I read what mutatio said about when to know if to divorce I think I am fairly close to this point of wanting and needing to make the decision for myself to start the divorce process.
Hi, Pho! Hang in there, we are all here for you! I am going to say this and it may sound funny, but I am envious of your position. From what you have been telling, it seems that progress is being made. I would give anything for that. Anything.
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Detachment is so hard. I feel like I just can't shake this heartbreak. I will be out doing something fun, playing with the kids, etc, and it is just there like a cloud over my head.
I am right there with you. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I set myself up so many times for false hope when what I thought I saw was a light but was actually a train. That cloud has completely enveloped my head.
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I have been so strong, but there is only so much a person can take. Is it my imagination or is it about the 1 year mark where the LBS kind of starts to really move forward? I don't know if I noticed that trend or if I made it up, but that's what I've been telling myself.
You have been very strong, and I also envy you about that. There is only so much a person can take. I think the question is, what is our breaking point? I think on that quite often - about how when my W does her crazy stuff or goes off or completely stomps on my heart, that I am just ready to hang it up. Sometimes I am on the brink but a question always pulls me back - what if she really is trying and I throw it all away? What if this is nothing more than her projecting and I am completely misreading (done that many many times) her? One of the things that scares me the most is relevant to those questions - given my W's past and how it has shaped her, what if she really wants to try but doesn't know how and is looking for a candle to also guide her? I think this may be partially correct given some of the things she has said. All that is why I just don't say **ck it and lets be done...whenever I am ready to cross that line, those always pull be me back into my own little corner of h*ll.
We are here for you, Pho. You have been more of an inspiration than you will ever know.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Spiff, I think all of those same thoughts, exactly, and then I think "what if he really doesn't love me, really does believe I am an abuser, really will be happier without me and I am just clinging to him." But then there is the upcoming job, he will have freedom, I will not call him, I will not pursue. It will be in his hands. I will continue to validate and be kind and if that is not enough for him, well, that's the best I have, so I guess it will be over.
I think all of those same thoughts, exactly, and then I think "what if he really doesn't love me, really does believe I am an abuser, really will be happier without me and I am just clinging to him." But then there is the upcoming job, he will have freedom, I will not call him, I will not pursue. It will be in his hands. I will continue to validate and be kind and if that is not enough for him, well, that's the best I have, so I guess it will be over.
I, too, think the opposite thoughts. Its a tug of war inside that I don't know how to stop. I have a serious question about this upcoming freedom - as we are in the same boat - since they won't be near us and completely separated/cut-off and all, just how are we (you and your H; me and my W) supposed to work on us and grow our marriage if there is no contact? How are we supposed to "work on us" if there isn't contact? How are we supposed to work on us by not actually doing anything other than seeing if we miss that person? Sorry for the little mini-rant...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Another thought while I am busy obsessing over my H. One of H's biggest "issues" when he "lost it" was that he felt disconnected from his father. So since BD he has been talking to his father every day, seems like they have a constant ongoing text conversation.
Now at what point is he going to make the realization that he has his own 2 sons who have practically zero relationship with him? At most he spends 5 minutes a day with them. Some days less.
Also my H is a workaholic, just like his father. Literally, working easily 14+ hours per day every day, including weekends. Well, yesterday I had a talk with my 12 year old. For the past 2 years my son has been "running a company" - he pretty much talks about his company every day, hires kids at recess to work for him, gets into regular labor disputes with them and then he has to fire someone, has the kids over regularly for "business meetings" and even one "all hands meeting" (which involved re-enacting scenes from the Hunger Games, lol.) Yesterday my son told me that he cannot stop thinking about his company, it keeps him up at night, he is worried that they are not making any profits and nobody has done any actual work in months. (OMG, this kid cracks me up.)
Suddenly a lightbulb went off in my head, that this is a lot more than imaginative play. This is a mini-H in the making. Is he going to crack up in his 40's when life gets tough and he realizes he doesn't have a relationship with his father and all he has is work? How can I prevent this from happening? I have plenty of non-workaholic males on my side of the family but they don't live near us, I want to find him a role model. And my younger son, his personality is a lot more like mine, and he seems very resilient, but still, he needs a father.
If we do divorce, and he gets every other weekend with the boys (he would not get our D, they do not want anything to do with each other) , maybe it would improve his relationship with them. He'd actually spend more time with them. It might be a blessing in disguise. Or he might ignore them those weekends like he does now. But it makes me wonder.
