Ep, he leaves in January. Right after the holiday. On the bright side, this is helping me detach. The "crazy" thing is the book he is reading is a book I read years ago trying to find help for dealing with his mother. He refused to read it then, now he is reading it and applying it all to me. Also on the bright side he apologized for the affair and the months of spew. That is huge. But he said he is still angry and not over the 25 years of BPD tactics I put him through over the last 25 years.
I know you all don't "know" me and I could write anything and portray myself any way I want on this forum, but I swear I am not BPD. I am/was reactive. I did have a very hard time listening to H without escalating into an argument. I did use emotional language and cry easily. I have stable friendships and family relationships, never abused substances (maybe a little too much vodka in college, but just for the first 3 semesters, then I cracked down and studied and earned a 4.0 GPA nearly every semester), I am not a thrill seeker or a drama seeker, I am a very quiet homebody person, kind of introverted, content to be home with my kids and friends and the quiet life. I am not what he says. Yes, I am reactive. I am praying that he is picking up on some of my reactive qualities and running a little crazy with this as a theory and will come to realize that is all it is. But we are almost a year into this. He should be further along his "path of enlightenment", still so far off the mark.
I will not react. But I am really starting to doubt the sanity of staying with someone who repeatedly tells me that he does not love me. I asked him if he is still attracted to me "I am VERY attracted to you." That is something at least.
In other news, SIL is not going to the IL's for Thanksgiving. I heard some undercurrents of drama there (I am out of the loop, thank God, but I catch little bits, not enough to fill in the blanks but after so many years I know the dynamics.) BIL will be there alone. (IL's do not like SIL and they all avoid each other as best as possible.) I am wondering if I should just let H take my kids and I can go to a friends. That would be a huge 180. Would that be making too much of a statement? My concern is that the conversation would be all about me in front of my children, and my absence would appear to all extended family as though we are really separated which is what FIL and MIL has been pushing for, and also being there gives me a chance to plaster a smile on my face and demonstrate the epitome of grace and patience and family togetherness.
I am not sure what to do. I am one big step closer to detachment.
I could've written this post myself. My stbx filled the script on me: I had bipolar, he had assigned 30 years of rage against me (yet we were only together for 10), he was attracted to me BUT didn't love me and would "never allow himself to open his heart to me because of all the damage and abuse I put him through."
Pho, I'm not a professional, I don't know what you're going through - I'm only armchair psychology here. But my healthy guess is that he's projecting everything that he feels onto you. That's what my stbx did, he didn't want to accept that he was ill, so I became the one who was ill. He didn't want to look at the issues of his foo, so it was on me.
I've heard almost word for word what you've heard, and it damn near killed me. The last year of my life almost killed me. I became a shadow of myself. I nearly lost my job, my health, everything. I understand that you love your husband, I do, dear heart. But saving your marriage at the expense of yourself, is not worth it. I may have the unpopular opinion here, but that's my own opinion. I know you want your family together, I know you're standing tall, but you can't do it if you have to sacrifice yourself. There's a big difference between becoming a better person and falling on a grenade.
I will share with you, what my stbx shared with me a few weeks ago. And it's really helped me. He told me that while I was hurting now, that one day I was going to be better off, and that I would thank him. Of course I was like, "erg is this bullshit!?!? This is a cop out, script, etc."
And then he told me his thoughts. He has a difficult form of mental illness that he hasn't yet been able to get under control. He is volatile, and unsafe. Even when he (hopefully) one day will be stable, the chance that he will derail (for a lack of better words) is there, not an if, but rather when. His mother is ill and will never seek help, she will always get worse. His dad will always look the other way because he's too afraid to see what the reality is (mentally ill, alcoholic, drug addict wife destroyed their family, his own sons are now destroying their respective families). His family will never support me (in fact, are incomplete denial of his illness and did not help me at all when he first was sick and needed help) and won't support him in healthy ways. STBX told me that he knew I would follow him to the ends of the earth, and that I would sacrifice myself for a relationship and for him because of my vows and my love for him. And he wasn't going to let me do it. He point blank said, "Calibri, you will never feel secure, you will always be walking on egg shells with me, even if I get stable. You'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And what kind of life is that? A life of cleaning up messes, of monitoring me to make sure I'm taking my meds. Of turning the other cheek with my parents and their abuse? Of weathering a storm with the hopes that's you'll see glimpses of the man you married once in awhile?" He told me, "you are a strong, beautiful, phenomenal woman who deserves everything in life. And right now, I can't give that to you."
It hurt like a bitch.
But it was absolutely the truth. I would be on pins and needles my whole life, waiting for the meds to stop working. I would be cleaning up messes. I would be suffering nastiness from his mother - because I loved him. But the truth is, he's no longer the person I married. And while I would've gone to hell and back, it would've been at my expense, and the payout, for a lack of better words - wouldn't be there.
Sweet Pho, I admire your strength and courage. I admire your determination. My question to you is this: say H gets his [censored] together. Say he gets "better" - then what? Are you going to be able to put this all behind you? Will you be able to trust that he's openly and honestly communicating with you and not your MIL? Will you be waiting for the other shoe to drop? H may get better. But it's my understanding that things like this can come back, and worse.
There's a lot of unknown here. But Pho, you have to save yourself. Let H go out to sea, and sink if he needs to. Let him go. For you, for your children, for your sanity.
Let him go. Whatever that may look like.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Calibri, thank you. H just asked me to go to lunch with him. I did, and it was ok. Not great, not tense, quiet though. On the car ride home he told me that he did not think I had BPD, but I had some of the traits. I told him that I read a little this morning and I have reactivity and that is all, but that is something I have made huge strides with and will continue to work on. He told me he was sorry for all the spew. He called it "Yelling at you a few months ago." He said he has been thinking about that more and more lately and he is feeling a lot of remorse about it. (It was extremely bad.)
He said he doesn't know how we can just move on, he will "keep trying" but he doesn't know how that will work. Calibri, he used the exact line your STBX used about "never being able to open his heart because of all the abuse and damage".
And yes, Calibri, I am concerned that even if we do "fix this" that he will crash again in a year or five years, or whenever, and by then I could be well on my way to a new life which might really be my better option. I don't know what to think.
I am not sure if all this talk is leading up to a "good bye" and he is wrapping up loose ends, or if it the start of him opening up to me and breaking his silence and asking to be understood. I will do my best to be a safe place, to listen, to be kind, to not react. There is definitely a shift in his energy and I am not sure what that means.
I will be ok either way. I am hoping this means I will be out of limbo in the near future, whichever way things happen.
OH! And another development. In the last week I have noticed that H is backing me up with the kids and insisting that they be more respectful to me. Little things, like we have a lot of leaves to rake and H will send the kids out to rake, and if they call for me, H will say "Mom always does most of the raking every year, this year the kids do it and Mom gets a break. " Or if a child whines or starts to defy me H will step in right away and say "Do NOT talk to your mother that way." He has NEVER done this before. I mentioned before that every week after H has IC I can pretty much tell you what the IC advised him, because every single week there is a new behavior. I would bet money that she advised him on this one last week, and this week's issue is speaking his feelings no matter how awful they may be.
So this could be a positive thing, if it is just the beginning of H "learning how to talk" and not his final thoughts on our situation. I am going to not react and wait and let it play out. I will watch my reactions extra carefully. I will use my knowledge of his awful perspective on me to help me detach. I do not want to be married to someone who thinks I am an abuser. Really, I don't.
OMG my head is going to explode. My boys keep losing/breaking their glasses. My neighbor's kid keeps coming in to my house and moving my chairs around. This dog pees everywhere. I am depressed, distracted, anxious. I just want to crawl into a hole and cry and sleep for the next 6 months and then come out and find out if my H is going to work with me or leave me. This is hell.
I know, GAL. I cut back on GAL because I was exhausted. I don't want to do this anymore. I have a delicious bolognese sauce cooking on the stove, the house smells so good. My kids all have friends over and are happy. H is soaking in our jacuzzi. I am on here, thinking about my sitch, sad about my sitch, can't let go mentally.
I am re-evaluating my GAL for when H leaves. I can leave my kids home alone for a couple of hours, but can't really be having late nights or leaving them frequently or they fight and their friends come over and eat all my food.
I am going to look earnestly for a part time job (ideally) or work from home position. I am going to continue with my voice lessons and try to teach myself guitar. I am in a dinner group that meets weekly, and I have a church service weekly. I walk 3 miles every morning, maybe I should add more physical activity. I regularly meet with friends for lunch or to shop at thrift shops (my idea of fun.)
I really want to date. How terrible is that? I want to date my H, desperately, but if he is not interested or available I want to date. I know that isn't right, and I know that isn't good for me (or my marriage- lol!) .
I have two new divorced friends, women who are not interested in dating (totally over men, I don't know their stories, but I am sure I can figure it out) , so maybe I can go out with them? I feel like I don't really fit in with the married crowd, don't fit in with the divorced and moving on crowd, so maybe the divorced and not dating friends will be a good fit? I looked at meet-up.com for a separated group, but even when he is gone we are really not technically separated, not legally and we are both claiming we are still working on it. I need a DB meetup group! Couldn't find one online.
I am probably overthinking it, the truth is I will be alone with 3 children, probably have limited opportunities to go out at night so I will just take any invitations I get that work out. I will be lucky if its 1-2x per month, can't be too picky, I'll just do what works at the time.
I am tormenting myself. I should just learn how to live in the moment and be ok. That is the key right now for me. I need to just be ok. Maybe there is a good tv series I can immerse myself in? Watch an episode a night after the kids go to bed? Something distracting. Maybe I can set up a treadmill in front of it and combine it with physical activity. OK, there are possibilities. I am working this out. Gotta get myself focused on me. Gotta be ok during the uncertainty. Gotta follow my own advice.
And then there is the thought that this is all just a nightmare and I am going to wake up. That would be nice.
Pho, sorry you too are having a rough weekend. I sincerely wish that this was a bad dream. Wouldn't it be great to have bettered ourselves and wake up to our loving spouses?
Then again, I probably have better odds with the lottery...
Good luck pho
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Pho, I totally relate to you regarding the limbo situation, but what I read and hear is someone really hurt. What good does this do to you? My H is with OW, cold, cruel, rude but won't file for D (there is also no legal paper indicating separation) still have his mail delivered here, and comes and goes as he pleases him! I can't no longer bear it, so I told myself that he is dead! Which in fact he is (I mean the man I married), and I say to myself shall I put my life on hold because I'm a widow! The answer is NO.
I know it's hard to detach but you have to for your own sanity. What good would you be for your kids if their mum breaks down? You are amazing and it breaks my heart to see you like that. Please look after yourself! x
Rouky, I know this is the most disrespectful thing to say and probably I should go to confession, but it would be so much easier if he died. And you have a good point, the man I married is dead, I do not know who this guy is. I do see glimpses though, but he's buried deep.
My IC said the same thing as you about the hurt.
I am sorry you are in limbo too. It is so hard. I will be ok. I am going through a huge "down" been 2 solid weeks already. This is the biggest "down" since May. I think I need it on some level, my brain needs to work through some issues before I can move on to the next step. Either that or I need antidepressants.
