NCLFA - WW and Feelings of Confusion

[Strngr!]

Don't be a dweeb. Take your nuts out of her purse.

I dont apreciate the way you speak to me. If your going to keep talking so disrespectfully i will be forced to stop posting here atleast until i finish reading DR book. I am 100% onboard with calling out my W on her confinued contact with the OM. My only hesitation is i dont want to screw it up again. If you gave me a reason why i dont have to finish reading DR instead of just insulting me might be more likely to take your advice.

[Strngr!]

The other thing that scares me about confronting her with evidence and giving her my boundary is that she will go underground even further and i will have struggle in the future to know if she is still contact with OM.

[Strngr!]

This sh*t is coming to a head. Just got this text from my wife

"You know if you are trying to get a message across to me you might be succeeding but I don't even like coming home anymore with the exception of S1. So keep being so nice"

[Strngr!]

Ok here comes the storm I better get that book and start reading.

She got home from gym and started asking about what my problem was and was grilling me why i wasn't talking to here and all this stuff.

I couldnt think what i should say. All i could remember was reading all about setting boundaries so i took the plunge and told here im not ok with her maintaining a relationship with the OM and that i cannot live in an OM. Then i told her if she continues along the path shes been on i ill be unable to stay married to her and that i will have to move along with my life.

She didnt know what to say i just asked her if she understands me. She said yes. Then i went on to continue feeding S1 his lunch. W just staired at me for a good half hour while i played with S1 on the floor. She started crying a bit i ignored it. She started into you dont care your dont love me. I just told her i dont love how shes been carrying on with OM. She told me she doesnt know what she wants and that she didnt think it was fair to stay with me while she doesnt know. I just said what ever. Then i said we gota go to my parents for dinner we had planned she said she doesnt want to go. So s1 and i started getting ready to go. She started crying again saying that i care more about going to my parents place then our relationship. I just said life can't stop because were having relationship problems. Now s1 and i are at my parents watching nascar with grandma and grandpa. Yikes trying to stay stong any thoughts?

[sandi2]

Let me try to help clarify about truth darts, since I made the comment. (Btw, Azzork gave a good answer.)

I believe I responded to you telling us you weren't sure what to say when she asks why you don't say ILY, kiss her, etc. Then you wanted to know about truth darts.

Originally Posted By: StrongJ

Originally Posted By: sandi2
If the W has said she wants to S or get a D, then you have the perfect opportunity when she asks you why you don't say ILY or kiss her, etc., to give her a truth dart

I want to get back to this statement she had danced around the subject of needing time apart but has not specifically called it S or D. What is this truth dart you talk abou?

I believe I confused you by saying if she has mentioned a S or D, you have an opportunity for using a truth dart. Just forget the part I said about S or D, in order for me to explain the truth dart. I just wanted to make sure you understand, b/c you are getting a lot of information before you've received the book.

Azzork asked what is the difference (referring to your WW wanting time apart, but not specifically calling it a S or a D. Then Azzork answered your question about giving a truth dart.

Originally Posted By: Azzork
What is the difference here?

Also, a truth dart is a few words you can say when she asks you something ridiculous. Im way too wordy to give you good examples. But basically, when she asks you why you dont kiss her anymore, you tell her that you dont kiss people in relationships with other people. Or something like that.

This is where it seems confused:

Agreed no differance think i get the idea. What does it matter if shes asked for S or D. Otherwise you wouldnt want to use thw truth dart?

The truth dart I suggested was to use when she asked why you were not saying ILY, kissing, her etc. And, you are right, it doesn't really matter if she's said anything about S or D. However, you WOULD give her the truth dart responding to her rediculous question. The truth dart is about her cheating.

Example:
WW: "Why don't you say ILY, and why don't you kiss me"?
YOU: "B/c you are having an inappropriate relationship with another man"!

If the WW has mentioned a S or D, then you could reply by saying something like, "Why would I tell you ILY, or kiss you? You want to leave me". If she hasn't said anything about a S or D, then you would say something about her inappropriate relationship with OM. Make sense?

You aim the truth dart right for the heart. It is to be quick and short. It is not an opening to have a relationship discussion. No fussing, no arguments or getting into debates. You say it and then walk away, leaving her to feel the sting of the truth. As Azzork said, when she asks such redicious questions, hit her with a truth dart to show the WW's question is bazaar. It is not to be vindictive or punitive. It is more like verbally throwing cold water in

]

Originally Posted By: Azzork

No....I think they are always good to use. But the more laughable the situation, the easier it is. You know, if you are piecing the relationship back together, then you should listen to her questions and complaints. But if shes filed for divorce and is mad you dont kiss her anymore, it becomes easy to fire those darts.

Is the picture clearer, now?

[Strngr!]

I get the idea of the truth dart i think.

On a side note turns out w just found out the truth i put an app on her phone forward messages from OM to my email and to count how often she messages him. I suppose shes probably mad . Im scared.

[Strngr!]

I fear i will not be able to avoid the relationship convorsation when i get home. What should i do?

[sandi2]

Ok here comes the storm I better get that book and start reading.

She got home from gym and started asking about what my problem was and was grilling me why i wasn't talking to here and all this stuff.

I couldnt think what i should say. All i could remember was reading all about setting boundaries so i took the plunge and told here im not ok with her maintaining a relationship with the OM and that i cannot live in an OM. Then i told her if she continues along the path shes been on i ill be unable to stay married to her and that i will have to move along with my life.

She didnt know what to say i just asked her if she understands me. She said yes. Then i went on to continue feeding S1 his lunch. W just staired at me for a good half hour while i played with S1 on the floor. She started crying a bit i ignored it. She started into you dont care your dont love me. I just told her i dont love how shes been carrying on with OM. She told me she doesnt know what she wants and that she didnt think it was fair to stay with me while she doesnt know. I just said what ever. Then i said we gota go to my parents for dinner we had planned she said she doesnt want to go. So s1 and i started getting ready to go. She started crying again saying that i care more about going to my parents place then our relationship. I just said life can't stop because were having relationship problems. Now s1 and i are at my parents watching nascar with grandma and grandpa. Yikes trying to stay stong any thoughts?

Wow! For a guy who didn't feel ready, you handled it like a pro.

Frankly, I was concerned about you taking some type action before you had the boundary, consequences, etc. clear in your mind.

On a side note turns out w just found out the truth i put an app on her phone forward messages from OM to my email and to count how often she messages him. I suppose shes probably mad . Im scared.

Are you scared b/c she's probably mad?

[Strngr!]

On a side note turns out w just found out the truth i put an app on her phone forward messages from OM to my email and to count how often she messages him. I suppose shes probably mad . Im scared.

Are you scared b/c she's probably mad?

Not scared cause she may be mad she deserved me snooping she should have thoght of that before she cheated.

Im afraid im in over my head here. Dono what to do when i get home. Shes gona wana talk about the R thats for sure. Just dont know what to say. I guess i just say nothing let her lead the convo and say i dono or nothing or fire a few truth darts?

[sandi2]

I didn't know about the phone app. How did she find out?

Well, if she confronts you about the app, just keep your cool. Don't deny it or give some milky excuse. Just tell her she wouldn't tell you the truth about her and OM, so you did what you had to do. (Now don't go telling others that I supported the idea of the phone app, that's not what I'm doing. I'm just trying to tell you what do to at this point.)

Yes, she'll be ticked, b/c she was resorting to tears (which, if real, that's good) but now, she'll twist this entire cheating thing to look as if you are the guilty party. She will feel completely justified, b/c now, she has discovered you spying........and she'll make your deeds much, much worse than her A. She will accuse you of being dishonest, a fake,and lord knows what else.

So, brace yourself. Stand tall, be strong, and do not back down from what you've told her about contacting OM. She will test your nice-guy ways, and if you apologize, back down, or anything along those lines........you're sunk. Stick to your guns and do not show her your fear!

If all this happens tonight, don't try to say anything more about boundaries at this time. I wouldn't even try a few truth darts at this time. (These are all still very new to you.) Let her blow. What's done is done. Just hold your ground and get through the night.

If she threatens to leave, don't try to stop her. Don't touch her, and don't yell at her. She may pack a bag and leave. Let her go. Don't stand around and watch her pack. Don't plead or beg her to stay. I know this has to be horrible for you. You will survive, and if you stay strong.......I think she'll eventually come around to her senses. Maybe not tonight or next week.......but eventually.