O, another interesting thought, in the few months leading up to BD one of H's good friend's W filed for D. My H was a big part of his support system, multiple calls/texts per day. I think oftentimes people going through a D influence the people around them.
I strongly second this. My W's sister started her divorce stuff a few months before my W's BD. And they are closer than close. I have no doubt there is influencing going on...
That leads me to this question - how does one, if they can, overcome this?
Spiff, what a great question. I never thought of that before, but now that I think about it, I think it would be wise to go to a marriage-friendly therapist for a "checkup" if you notice that your spouse is spending a lot of time and energy with a divorcing friend or relative. Probably would be wise to go for a "check up" every year or so anyway, but who would think to do that? Unfortunately we don't notice problems until they are really out of control.
I know what not to do! LOL. I noticed this when W started spending all of her time witht the friend. It bothered me a lot. I made passive aggressive comments about it and it slowly blew up.
Funny thing is I have taken time since then and looked back. i wish i was more of a friend to W's friend and that may have helped.
I think she knew it bothered me back then and stayed away.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Pho, I think that is an excellent idea. I just don't know how to even approach that in a counseling situation - its not like you can contact the counselor about it ahead of time. Well, maybe you can if both also see the MC independently, too. Sure can't bring it up with the spouse in the room!
As I have said in my threads, the SIL and I don't quite get along but have been a lot better lately. Heck, a few months ago she added me as a family member on face book. Somehow, I think its all a game. I have seen the texts. I have seen the messages. She sure is telling the W that the grass is greener.
Last edited by Spiff69; 11/20/1507:24 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
We have quite a lot in common in house separation and wife's best friend going through a divorce
I think after Christmas my w is going to hit me with the its time to sell the house and go our own ways .llthe fact that for the past 5 months I think we have been getting along better than ever will not come into it ...so I am starting to try and prepare now been looking at properties arround the area and I will not be homeless not a chance but have to put things into place now
I am self employed and I am a couple of years behind with my accounts i want my accountant to make my accounts look profitable to help me get a mortgage will be strange not asking him to reduce my profit with expenses
We will do this for our children ...there are millions and millions of women on this planet why are we all so fixated in our W ...I know I am ....I need to think about all the bad things about her I need to write this out as a list
Take care my friend
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Ghost I want to first thank you for stopping by. Second I want you to know that I follow your situation. I have seen you grow a lot in the past few weeks. I know it doesn't feel like it. I have my moments where I still fall apart and can't believe this. I don't want it don't like it and don't accept it.
Those times are getting easier and fewer.
You are right we will be fine. I know this.
I am following a statement I heard somewhere. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.
I think about it often.
Keep moving.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Hey Ghost, I too follow your thread. Like you and OTW, my separation is also in-house until my W leaves for her new base. It is a very hard thing to do.
You are doing awesome! Keep it up!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
One of the things I have come to realise is that we really do have no control over what happens as much as I hate this
I have started looking at it like this I was with my W for 25 years and married for 17
She decided that she wanted to finish things.....because I was not spending enough time with her during the evenings and she said I was not a great dad to the kids ...this is BS
Now the way I see it is if over the last 17 years I had spent every evening with her and did not give her space to breath and have her own time who is to say that we would not have seporated after 5 years of marriage or 10 years and she would have been saying to me I decided I wanted to separate because I was spending too much time with her and did not ever let her have freedom I was crowding her who knows
Who knows ....people make decisions for many reasons and they will find and make excuses like most people in our situation they talk in absolute negatives and remember everything as being bad just today my W made the decision to leave our toddler with our daughters boyfriend in our house whilst she took our older child out
So I said to her I thought this was unfair to him what if she needed the toilet or if there was a problem and she reminded me of a time 12 years ago when I had to go to a funeral and she had to work and had to leave one of our other children with a friend ...like this was 12 years ago
I just said to her that this is how it is now and I just have to get used to it that I do not get to decide how and who looks after my children and I if I do not like it then pretty much tough. Got to love her for this
Take care my friendsn
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Ghost, I just need to say that I see a world of difference in you. I know things are not going the way you had hoped, but YOU are so much stronger, less emotional, more confident. And I see a little anger coming through, instead of desperation. I am so proud of you Ghost.
I see myself in a rollacosta and right now I am strong
I am not worried about being in my own house I do not even worry about selling my house ok that is a slight lie I am worried about it however I am less fearful the thing I am most worried about is the realisation that she will not be there ...and it is this that I worry about ...but I am working on this
Thank you
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
