dday, our entire lives are reduced to papers. The papers start when we are born and continue until we die. Please don't make yourself sick with grief from these settlement papers. They are just papers. Papers didn't make you to get married and papers won't make you get divorced.
Love yourself, love your children and love your wife. Love is all you need.
Hi Dday, I'm sorry to read of this development - that's hard, but it sounds as though you are doing reasonably well with it. Please remember that the fat lady has not sung yet. This is a further bend in the road, but the final outcome (ie: R or no R) is as yet unknown.
We have posters like Gogofo, where it actually took D for his W to realise how much she mourned the loss of their R/M to turn back to him and they are now piecing. I'm not trying to give you any false hope, but I'm just saying that - until or unless you decide to close the door - the final outcome isn't known.
Take care my friend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm just nervous, and oddly a little excited to see what her and the L have cooked up. The boys and I spent our afternoon sitting on the floor and playing games. Really wasn't a bad day after the emotional part was over. Weather is yuck, so video games were nice.
If this is the end, and it sure looks that way, I have no regrets. I did my best for the last 10 months trying to fix myself. That is the best I could have done.
W has been playing the victim card. Complaining about work using her and expecting her to fix everyone's screw ups. Complaining about how the school, preschool, sports programs expect her to do everything. Complaining to me that I put her through hell for years. I was far from perfect, and some days lousy. But, I did everything that I thought was best for my family and put myself last.
I still love her. Hope she gets her sh1t together and figures out what she needs. S7 said to me "let me talk to mommy, maybe I can get her to change her mind." I told him that it's not their fault, and not their job to fix us. Love that kid, has the biggest heart. When we all sat down, they all wanted to pray. We have done some things right. W told me that I put the boys up to everything that they say to her. Apparently thinks that they don't have minds of their own. I asked the boys if they felt that I had put them up to saying anything, and they replied no. If I did, it was not intentional.
I really don't know what else to say. W is the victim, and wants out. That's on her.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Dday, sorry to hear about the recent developments with the paperwork. I can see how it might not appear things are going the way you want but as others have said, it's only over when you decide it is. Hopefully the terms she's wanting are favorable to avoid a legal battle but again, out of your control if they aren't. Keep being the awesome dad you are.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks fogg. Definately not what I want, but if it's going to happen... had a few talks with the boys. S4 thought I wouldn't be his dad anymore. S7 says that I will always be his first daddy. They told me to come visit them. God this is rough right now. First time I have teared up in weeks. I love them, and hate that we have to now split our time with them. It isn't fair to them at all.
Everything happens for a reason. I sure don't see the reason to this though
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Well, after looking at the settlement offer, I am not pleased. So, I talked to W. She said that rumors (from a person she described as a sh1tstirrer) made her move ahead with the settlement papers. W said that she kept thinking that she would realize that she still loves me, or respects me a s a person. Then said she doesn't. Says that I started working on myself at the same time she gave up.
The settlement, I have no clue where they get their idea of equal. It appears to me that W will end up about 40-60k ahead of me. Doesn't quite seem equal. She keeps everything that aren't my tools and guns, and is 50 from everything paid off. I get my 401k. W keeps hers.
W said that there were things in agreement that she didn't like either. So she wants me to make notes on the papers, and give them back to her. See if we can find a place that we both see as fair.
And, W just called me again. Told me that you don't know what the future will bring. Grrrr
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Awoke to an empty house again. Feeling very down this morning. I wish this were all a bad dream. Stewing over W comment that she doesn't respect me as a person. It was all over a comment that I made months ago. She diagnosed me as an alcoholic and had me convinced of it. I don't drink anymore, and don't have the urge. I am not an alcoholic, and told her as much. She tried to say that it was my idea anyway (rewriting history), and now says that she doesn't respect me because of that.
Really missing the girl that was mine and the marriage we had. And still could.
She stated that she doesn't want to be unhappy anymore. Wants us both to be happy, and better people. I told her that we could be. And I feel that we could be happy together again. Maybe I screwed up there, but I feel that way. It's the first r talk we had in quite a while
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I am in the final stages of paperwork myself. And like your W, my W has also falsely characterized me to certain people. Given her usual great timing I'm expecting to get what should be the final document right before Thanksgiving
At this point it doesn't matter to me though. I am done and have been for a few weeks now. I started seeing a while back that while I think I did the right thing by staying in the marriage years ago after the first A and getting the kids through high school, I erred by trying to reconnect with her when she was not pursuing that as well. I should've given her space back then...not because it would have necessarily made a difference in our relationship, but it would've made a difference in myself...and I think it has now, finally.
I know it [censored] going through it but letting go is necessary. I'm going to lightly chastise you for the R talk just because you know that doesn't work and it keeps you clinging. My wife knows where I'm at...she's just not interested. It's been a hard, long road of accepting that but once I did things got better for me and I got stronger.
In my case, the only real choice I've got at this point is to lovingly let her go down this path she's chosen (because it is after all her choice, crazy though it may be), and decide where I go next. I'm taking that one day at a time...I don't have any great vision for the future right now but have realized that's ok. Still have to get the paperwork done, decide whether to stay in the house or not, etc. Plenty to keep me busy, plus it's the holidays.
So along those lines...divorce is part of the process whereby you are laying the foundation for the rest of your life. That will affect you and the kids. It [censored] but don't shrink back from that just because you don't like thinking about it or want to be a nice guy. Do not give in on anything that is truly important to you.
Being fair-minded is OK, even important, but remember that once those papers are final you have to live with those rules for the rest of your life. Make sure you don't sign unless you can live with them.
Stewing over W comment that she doesn't respect me as a person.
If only there were a rule about filtering out what our W's say. Hang on, let me check.
I know it stings, but who knows whether its even true or not. Let it go, because it doesnt mean anything.
Originally Posted By: dday
She stated that she doesn't want to be unhappy anymore. Wants us both to be happy, and better people. I told her that we could be. And I feel that we could be happy together again.
Instead of focusing on being happy together, why dont you shift your focus to working on being happy by yourself? What are you going to do over the next few weeks to achieve that?
Sorry to hear about the paperwork, dday. That's rough, I remember when my first marriage fell apart and getting those papers.
I'm going to suggest going dark. You can't trust anything that comes out of your wife's mouth, even when she's nice to you.
She might be scheming you so you will concede everything in a divorce. DO NOT fall for that crap! My ex-wife did the same exact thing.
Go dark, only talk to her about the kids and do not extend convo's or talk about your relationship.
If she texts you about anything other than your kids, don't respond. Keep the convo about the kids and if the convo starts to drift to any other topic, cut it off.
She wants a divorce? Then let her feel the full weight of not talking to you or using you as a friend. No more favors. Be cordial with her but act like you are moving on. Like you have a crush on some new hottie at work.
Don't beleive anything she says, that all a bunch of horsesh!t that she tells herself so she doesn't have doubts about what she's doing.
Your sitch is far from over, my friend. Hang in there.
