Good morning. I have been posting a lot this week. Thank you for bearing with me, this week has been a very introspective time for me and I am learning a lot. I thought I'd start this thread with things I have learned. Please add if there is anything you have learned.
I have learned that the Affair and the ensuing months of spew was not about me at all, in any way. I have no responsibility for that.
I have learned that I can STFU and listen. And not react.
I do not have the need to be right.
I have learned to consult my plan, not my feelings.
I have learned that damage done in childhood can manifest in very dysfunctional ways as adults, even when it appears that the adult has "moved on", it is lurking and waiting to come out. I am using this lesson to try to really listen to my children and build resiliency in them, so they can be the best adults they can be.
I am a lot stronger than I ever thought possible.
I have learned not to dismiss my H's perspective as "crazy" (even when it is) because that is HIS perspective and very real to him. Facts don't matter when it comes to what someone is experiencing as their truth. It is ok to listen and to "understand" without agreeing. Not only is it ok, but it is loving and healthy.
It is ok and normal to feel sad, angry, lonely, heartbroken. Those feelings will not kill me and do not need to be avoided, medicated, hidden, run from. It is ok.
I have learned not to judge a person who is in crisis. No matter how badly they are behaving.
I am in the process of learning that I will be ok even if my marriage doesn't survive. I will still be lovable and capable of love and I will be ok.
I have also learned that it is very very hard for me to detach. I am working on that one.
I have learned that I cannot carry a tune or hit a note even after 3 months of singing lessons but I am having fun and doing it for the joy of it. I will let you all know when I go on tour! I have also learned that I needed an outlet, something fun, something just for me.
I also have learned that there are people out there who are kind, compassionate, loving friends, people who I will never meet in person, but who are capable of holding me up and caring for me better than I would have thought possible. I love you and I thank you all. If it weren't for this board, I am pretty sure I'd be divorced, on anti-depressants, and crying all of the time. (OK I am still crying a lot.) Thank you. There are so many good people out there. Thank you all.
I know you don't know who I am (yet), but I'm unlurking to let you know that this is exactly what I needed to read today. My roller coaster emotions were spiraling downward and I needed a pick me up.
Thank you, and with that I'll slink back into the shadows.... :-p
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
I had to read your post several times. I must say probably is the most inspirational post I have read in quite some time, especially the two parts concerning childhood damage and dismissing the H's perspective.
I spent far too long missing those two points that I may have irreparably damaged my on marriage's future. How I wish I had my eyes opened so long ago.
Right there with you on learning to detach. One minute I think I am doing really good, and the other it comes crashing down.
I second your point on the people on here. They really have helped me more than they will ever know. And yes, there are some who I wouldn't mind meeting if just to say hello.
You have really helped me in so many ways, Pho!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I have learned that just 'living' is not enough. I need to figure out what I want and take steps towards making those things happen. If I dont stand for me, nobody else will.
You are a better person and getting better.Thevfuture can only be good.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I know you don't know who I am (yet), but I'm unlurking to let you know that this is exactly what I needed to read today. My roller coaster emotions were spiraling downward and I needed a pick me up.
Thank you, and with that I'll slink back into the shadows.... :-p
SciDad, don't lurk- come out and play! I'd love to hear your story.
A beautiful post Pho. I have learned I am not alone. It is difficult to see that while you are hanging so tightly to a rope that is no longer tied on the other end. I thank every one of you.
A couple more I thought of before I head out to run some errands....
I do MUCH better emotionally when I focus on myself than on H.
And for the newbies..... Snooping does not help. It does not make you feel better or give you real answers. If you find something, then you need to keep looking for more, if you do not find something, then you think you missed it and you need to keep snooping. Also whatever you do find you will not be able to get out of your head. Do not snoop.
Snooping does not help. It does not make you feel better or give you real answers. If you find something, then you need to keep looking for more, if you do not find something, then you think you missed it and you need to keep snooping. Also whatever you do find you will not be able to get out of your head. Do not snoop.
Truer words have not been spoken, and few words are harder to follow...
"Snooping does not help. It does not make you feel better or give you real answers. If you find something, then you need to keep looking for more, if you do not find something, then you think you missed it and you need to keep snooping. Also whatever you do find you will not be able to get out of your head. Do not snoop."
Man was that a tough lesson to learn. I kept putting my hand on the hot stove. Over and over and . . .
