Yes, I think a boundary would be 'I'm not willing to invest in saving our M if you plan to see other people.'
The message is - you're free to do and see whomever you like, but if you do X, I will/won't do Y. It's all about exercising your own free will in whatever situation.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Its the I will wont do thing I am not sure of. I could do the money thing, and that would mean the car. The car is on her name and the loan is in both of our names, so if I stop paying for it hurts my credit. Or say to sell it. and she can buy her own car?
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Out of now were W emailed me about Christmas today.
I want to say keep it the same for the kids, lets do what we did years before. I want to go to the inlaws to show my changes and how crazy my W is for wanting to leave.
But DB says to keep her out of your life act like you are moving forward. Have Christmas at home with the kids if W wants to be there it fine , if not that ok to. Then after she can bring them to the my inlaws.
She wants to know if we are getting gifts together for the kids. I thought we said we were. But when I agreed to that I felt like it was the wrong thing to do as she wanted to spend a lot on them$$$
Why is this so hard.
I think I know what I want then I change my mind.
Would I want to do the same as last year for christmas like nothing changed, sure because my W has not had a PA, there seems like there is a chance for us, though if you talk to my W she would say she is done.
I didn't think we would be in the same house at this time when BD started. I was hoping we would be so that we could have Christmas together. For the kids and everything to just stop and have Christmas like we are not separated.
Should I ask for that and let my W decide?
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Vise I wish i had an answer for this. I am unsure what we are doing as well. Now that we are not living together it may be a little easier decision, but i have a divorced friend that said this year we should still have xmas at the same house for the kids. I am unsure.
when still living together i think we would have done what we always have. I know going to the inlaws will be awkward but this is for the kids.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
The out of practice comment, I think I should confront her about it. ask her what she meant by saying that. I did nothing wrong she was within earshot so it should be fair game to mention?
Confrontation alone does no good. She will lie her way out of it. Her plans for tonight are laid.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Maybe that's why it's so hard, b/c you have not been able to stabilize in a solid plan of action.
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But DB says to keep her out of your life act like you are moving forward. Have Christmas at home with the kids if W wants to be there it fine , if not that ok to. Then after she can bring them to the my inlaws.
Actually DBing is about doing what works.
You need to decide on what YOU want to do about celebrating the holidays. You need to decide what is fair to the kids. If W goes to her parents that morning, can you really expect the kids to stay home with you? We've talked about this before, and I agree with setting your own family traditions, but be sure you are on a solid foundation before you set them. Know what I mean? If your W does not agree to staying home this Christmas morning, then you have to think of your kids who have gone to their grandparents every year. Having their parents mad at each other on their most anticipated holiday of the year.....is not what kids want Santa to bring them.
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She wants to know if we are getting gifts together for the kids. I thought we said we were. But when I agreed to that I felt like it was the wrong thing to do as she wanted to spend a lot on them$$$
Who controls the bank account? Can't you take a stand and tell her that XX amount will be spent -- and no more? Have you taken your name off (or canceled) her credit cards?
Quote:
I didn't think we would be in the same house at this time when BD started. I was hoping we would be so that we could have Christmas together. For the kids and everything to just stop and have Christmas like we are not separated.
Well, if you can't take charge and do what you need to do about the sitch, then go have Christmas! Don't ruin it for the kids. Don't be a jerk and show her you are not going to her parents, out of spite. Now......do you feel better?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
SO I was spinning bit on Friday. Just a combination of things, Just applied for a new promotion, some attention from the opposite sex, knowing of my W now need to hook another man.
So week end was OK, W took kids to see her brother in another city. Strangely their train was stopped and had to continue by bus. She randomly texted me this as it happened, I texted back some joke and she said I made her laugh.
I managed to work on my shed.
Next day was a disaster, my GAL of dog school was canceled, came home and the gay neighbor scurries back to his house as everyone was outside. I see his pumpkins on our porch now. I want to smash them.
New neighbors were outside also , so I walk over and talk to them as was my W, this is a 180 for me but I am determined to make friends with them.
10 min later W leaves to go to "walmart" and I see the neighbor leaves shortly after. She was going to join a gym. Don't know why she lied to me about it.
I also had my GAL of playing soccer. I am going to leave and mention that I could take one of the kids. W suggests that she can go and bring both kids.
So we get there and I see I made a mistake on the time, three hours early, oldest kids melts down and W is mad. We head back home and W hold it over my head. I said it was a mistake no point staying mad. Here I thought a chance to show them my great soccer playing and it blows up to make me look incompetent, W is on the phone to tell her friends how much I messed up like usual.
We Had dinner together as a family then I took the youngest to soccer. All the women on the team fawned over him.
We came home put youngest to bed and then I went to talk to W about Christmas.
It was a difficult talk, she left it up to me as she said it would be harder for me. I started to mention how in the past I think we missed an opportunity to start our own traditions instead of just continuing what W did as a kid in her parents house. She started to get defensive and said that I didn't say anything for 12 years, she started to tear up.
Then I just said that Christmas is for the kids, in the kids world nothing has changed I think we can just leave it like that for Christmas.
so by saying that I agreed to Christmas eve dinner, sleep over and Christmas day and dinner. That means I imagine W and I would be sleeping in the same room.
My feelings are bitter sweet, I am very hopeful of a change of heart. But I am also very fearful of her ignoring me and I just have the kids to deal with.
It is also a chance for her family to see my changes and see a guy she would be crazy to leave.
I feel like they want me to go because it means that the kids will be there , like that is who they really want there and if her family has to tolerate me its worth it for them. This speaks of my own self worth issues I think.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
W texted me at work about kids Christmas gifts, I didn't reply till I got home from work. We are splitting the cost of the gifts.
W worked late last night, I had the kids all cozy on the couch until W cam home. The oldest left to sit with her. I helped youngest with home work.
W was up when I was up in the morning, she shows me the gift she could get and wanted me to agree, I said ok its a good price.
W then mentions again about what is left on the mortgage, her parents hold our mortgage, and have said that they decided to waive the interest and put all the money we paid to the principal.
This is a game changer. They figured out a way to give their daughter money to help her D that also helps me financially but not to save the MR. I get a slight feeling of being bought to go away. As you can tell I have mixed feeling about what they want to do.
I felt this morning that MR was done, She has the means now, the key for her is to sell the house to unlock what she needs to move on. I will also have the means to get set up in my own place. All she mentioned this morning was how nice it was of her parents to do that, and how much money we would be getting. She looked so happy.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
