My W never said I was too controlling but her family and friends said I was. But their gripe was I controlled the money so tight that my W couldn't do whatever she wanted when she wanted. Well there is only so much coming in and it has to cover what is going out. My W wasn't interested is working out a budget together so it was left to me. To them anything that would restrict absolute freedom was controlling. They convinced her I was the most evil person ever. Nevermind that I never told my W what she could or couldn't do or who she was friends with or anything like that. I just let her know when we were getting close to the spending limit. The only other item was when my W starts going to college without saying a word to me and I wasn't happy with her taking on a massive debt without any discussion. Yeah, I know, that is way too controlling.
I think the controlling accusation is they want to do whatever they want, when they want and anyone who says no is too controlling. Like little kids not getting their way when they want ice cream 10 minutes before bedtime. When a W, or H, doesn't have to do anything or know anything about the family financial plan then they really don't care what limits there are to spending. That I think is the root of a lot of it. It is very important to plan the family finances together, it will save a lot of problems.
They are, in reality, more free than the LBS who works all day, every day to make things work. My W can quit her job any day she wants, and she has, without feeling a thing since there is still money flowing to the checking account. No consequences from her view. Freedom to do whatever she wants and when I inform her of a limit it's me being too controlling.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I was at my daughters house today and WAW rang and asked if she could visit. D said ok and told her i was there she came anyway. Spoke to me quite well
H 50 W 46 T 31 M 24 EA 11.11.15 PA not sure. Dx3 Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
I think the controlling accusation is they want to do whatever they want, when they want and anyone who says no is too controlling
Exactly!
Quote:
They are, in reality, more free than the LBS who works all day, every day to make things work. My W can quit her job any day she wants, and she has, without feeling a thing since there is still money flowing to the checking account. No consequences from her view. Freedom to do whatever she wants and when I inform her of a limit it's me being too controlling
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Again, this is very true for a lot of couples. Unless the W went to school for a particular career focus, and she just has a "job", I think she does feel free to quit b/c she knows he is basically responsible for supporting the family.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When im around WAW i still have trouble being confident. She still seems to be able to make me feel anxious, problem is she always has my daughters there and they talk about things i dont really have any input with, they all work at the same place and the conversations are usually about that, i cant really say much and i feel a little disadvantaged here, I just have to sit there and i cant talk much. I feel it dose not allow me to portray any confidence! The other issue that has cropped up is she has come and taken my youngest daughter away for the last 4 weekends, she dose this I assume because of two reasons. 1. Because D17 has not expressed any resentment toward her for her waywardness. And 2. She needs someone to be with her for her weekends, my other children every now and then ask her questions about the OM . And that makes her uncomfortable. WAW still seems to be in the honeymoon period after the walkout, six months ago. She has not really missed out on too much in the family gathering area. I will just have to wait and see if my older children boycot her familys christmas gathering like they told me they would?
H 50 W 46 T 31 M 24 EA 11.11.15 PA not sure. Dx3 Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Hi AU Bob, sorry to read of your situation. Just a couple of comments on your post above - all around the area of reclaiming your personal power.
Have a look at these statements...
"she still seems to be able to make me feel anxious" "I just have to sit there and I can't talk much" "It does not allow me to portray any confidence"
These are important because no-one makes you feel anything, you don't just have to sit there and others do not control whether or not you portray confidence.
I think you are giving your personal power away here...how can you get it back my friend? A person with personal power is potent indeed.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thats just it. You need situations where you can demonstrate personal power. I just have not had the opportunity to get myself into that situation yet. It will come i just have to wait for it but when it dose ill be ready. Up to this point she has had all the breaks, It can not last for ever, she has been very lucky. I am getting stronger, but its taken six months for me to shed the shock and depressed state I have been in. This forum has helped me a great deal, i no longer have no answers for the questions i needed answered. I look forward to any input and advice!
H 50 W 46 T 31 M 24 EA 11.11.15 PA not sure. Dx3 Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
If you're waiting until the right opportunity comes along, and waiting for someone else to give you that opportunity, then you could be waiting a long time. And if someone isn't interested in giving you that opportunity, you could be waiting longer still.
Where I'm at with this whole thing is that I'm not gonna be waiting for anyone to hand me the opportunity. I'm just taking it, as of this present moment, in every possible way
I think i may have had a bit of a win with the personal power thing yesterday. WW, WAS and her sister brought some exercise equipment over for my daughter, i still get along quite well with my sister and law, she gave me a couple of hugs and said she missed me. After we had finished unloading WAS seemed to get a bit miffed because i was talking to her sister and not showing her any attention, I focused my attention and chatting on sister, said a brief goodbye to WAS and continued talking to her sister my wife got into her car and left.
H 50 W 46 T 31 M 24 EA 11.11.15 PA not sure. Dx3 Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
