Checking In

[Underdog]

Time for an update here, since I'm avoiding FB lately. My Lenten resolution is to offer more compassion across the board. With my friends and family (a handful of them, but a vocal minority) posting dividing political stuff, I've decided the only way I can work on my compassion is to stay away from stuff that bugs me.

I mentioned to Kat that Murphy decided to come be my shadow for several really crappy weeks. The snow and cold made painting my kitchen cabinets a disaster. They had to redo them all with an oil based paint, and it just delayed everything. Then my brand new roof leaked. That wasn't the roofer, but a hideous ice dam that expanded the length of my north facing roof, was 4 inches deep and 5.5 inches thick. I won't tell you how much that cost to mitigate and resolve the problem. It delayed putting my house on the market, and I was none too happy about all the unexpected problems that kept cropping up.

It was just one misery after another, and on top of that, my technical employee resigned to chase his dream. The mom in me is happy he's doing it, but the business owner is kind of unsettled. I'll get through it, but I was super unhappy for a few weeks.

That is now behind me, and Murphy fled. My house went on the MLS last Wednesday at 11:30 am, and by dinnertime, my house was in a bidding war. I was under contract later that night, for $9K over the asking price. It was a complete shock to me, and I think all of us were a little stunned at how it played out. But I will admit that all the upgrades and staging really helped that cause. I'm scheduled to close on March 25, but they're trying to move up the date a week, which is fine with me. Inspection is Monday, and my fingers are crossed that it will do fine.

D21 is coming home for spring break in mid-March, and I hope that I'm completely done by that time so she can enjoy her visit. It's hard to believe she'll be 22 on Monday and graduating in May. It's going to be a pretty busy few months, and I'm really wanting to get back to the gym and start a healthy routine for myself.

BA, the 3 of us are heading out a few days before Memorial Day weekend for my uncle's burial at Arlington. Your hideous weather sure got things backed up there - he died in August. So maybe we can catch up then?

On a super happy note, it's been very spring like here for the past 2 weeks. The forecast for the next 10 days looks great - today we're supposed to hit 71. No complaints here. But I remind myself that it IS winter, and we'll probably pay dearly for it in March and April. I'm sure D21 won't be thrilled about that - she said this winter has been the worst the entire time she's been in NY. I felt kind of bad for her this past weekend - where it didn't hit zero until Monday. She said the snow and overcast just made for a super cold and depressing time. I had to remind her that she just might be traveling here at the worst possible time.

In the meantime, D18 and I are just getting used to our new digs and new routine. I'm really enjoying it, to be honest. Once I get finished with the lengthy to-do list, I should be golden.

Hope all of you are enjoying yourselves and that life is good.

Happy hump day!

Betsey

[Ginger1]

Sheesh, Bets, you have been through the ringer lately. There is truth to "when it rains, it pours." I'm glad Murphy has exited the building and things are beginning to come together.
What's D22's plan after she graduates? Is she coming home?
Seems like everyone is doing well.

Don't forget to take care of yourself. I often forget that. Putting everything and everyone before yourself burns you out. I do also know sometimes we have no choice. I took 2 weeks off of school and now I am at the freakin' doctor every other day. 35 has been exceptionally rough on me,lol.

I still plan on making a visit one of these days, when things settle down for the both of us.

hope to see you back on the alt soon!

[Underdog]

Ginger,

You're so frickin' right about amping up the self care. I do need reminders to schedule those things. I have a visit with the chiropractor tomorrow and need to schedule a massage (which is paid for) sometime next week. The whole purpose of this downsizing thing is for me to have a lifestyle that energizes me. Thank you so much!

35. LOL. I turned 35 a few weeks after D18 was born. It seems like a lifetime ago.

[Underdog]

I didn't get to finish my post! I was going to hit a smiley emoticon and I hit submit instead!

Yes, things are quieting down. Mr. Wonderful gave me a gift last night - he ripped up a $200 check I had written to him. Yee ha! He can be awfully nice when he's not trying to be a dick...

Anyway, we are driving out to NY to bring D21/22 home after graduation. She turned down a job with the place she interned last summer, and her dad is fairly disappointed since it was good money. But she doesn't want to work in the computer industry (and I don't blame her) and I've taken up her champion flag. Her degree will be in chemical engineering with a minor in biomed. She applied at CH2M, which is HQ'd here, hasn't heard back (they're hiring), but hoping she can knock on some doors when she gets home for spring break. She'll go anywhere.

So the funny thing is that her dad was her champion when she graduated from high school and the tables have turned. He's decided when he drives her back, his wallet is closed for business. I've already told her she can stay with me at no charge until she gets an offer that she wants. Sheesh. She's motivated, so I don't know why he's acting like his dad. Memo to me: remind him of that. It might make a difference. Anyway, we'll probably talk about that in great detail when she gets home in a few weeks.

And you know mi casa es su casa anytime you want to come out my way. We'd have a good, rocking girl time!

Hugs-
Betsey

[kat727]

I am not sure I should thank you for kicking Murphy my way!! D15 stepped on and broke her glasses. She is about as blind as a bat without them. Oh and the dishwasher theoretically will be coming to my house next Friday...a whole week away.

kat

[Ginger1]

May I post on this thread as I do not want one of own? By the way, Murphy has attacked me lately too, is currently attacking me too, as I will be visiting the Er as soon as I send gabby off to school.....

Anyways, you all know I've been dating a guy for almost 6 months. It's been rocky due to distance and the whole " I was not going to get into a relationship but I didn't know I was going to fall for you" he's had huge life changes, and freaked out on me a few times and it almost ended. I visit him way more than he sees me due to him having to run his business. We actually just got back from vacation together with our daughters. We had said our "I love you'd" a while back, but he stopped with one of his breakdowns. He's slipped a few times, but he really did stop. We act like we are in a relationship but won't use the word. We have a great time together. I adore his daughter, she adores me and gabby adores him, and the girls adore each other. That part is a dream.

However. He is going through his self proclaimed selfish phase and can't commit to anything. Not even dinner reservations, lol. Not kidding. He does not make plans. And has expressed his desire is to be able to just call him girlfriend and have her be available so that everything fits perfectly into his life. We'll, it doesn't work that way when you date someone who has a life.

I love him. I really do. But I have to be up there on someone's priority list. I also need someone who will not fight loving me. I've been through this, giving my all, but the person I am with is unable to retun it. It is eating me up inside, especially now kids are involved. But I must put my needs first. I'm afraid I'm going to have to end it if he can't give more and it just breaks my heart into tiny pieces. But I am important and worth some compromise. Something in tend to forget.

Im scared to have this talk. I think D8 will be really upset. Seeing them together brings a tear to my eyes. She thinks he is so great. She'll hug him, hold his hand, and she doesn't do that with guys. Our kids get along amazingly. His daughter comes to me when she needs something or wants something or doesn't feel well. And when him and I are together, we are great. Although this vacation wasn't 100%, long story, but we have something special. But he distances himself so far from me when we are apart.

I don't know if I'm asking for advice or venting. But I am so scared to do this.

By the way it's 4 am, I haven't slept, I'm on a massive amount of pain meds that aren't working and I'd be at the hospital right now if D8 wasn't sleeping soundly. My health has sucked in the past 2 weeks.

Some days, I just wish I could catch a break.

[Underdog]

Ginger,

First of all, I hope you get some medical relief from your woes. You sound miserable, and I'm so sorry you're in pain. I also think the pain is making you uncomfortable in other places, and that's natural. That being said, do you need to have this talk or think about scheduling this talk when you're feeling so crappy?

Do you remember the pursuer-distancer phase when DBing? You can DB through this as well. I don't have a magic ball, and I can't see the truth or the future, but from what you've described, I think he sounds scared. (I hate when people get scared and don't talk through it.)

Why not drop your pursuit (without being cranky or cold or doling out punishment) and see what happens? Let him pursue.

If you have to, use feeling awful to tell your D8 that you need some time alone and with her to recuperate because you think it's not a good idea to travel or do anything other than what you need to do to get healthy.

And when you're feeling much, much better, you give yourself permission to have the talk. BTW, when that happens, I'd say what you said here. Be honest and tell him what you want and need, and don't apologize for it. But right now, your first priority is to get better.

BTW, Kat, I didn't kick Murphy your way. LOL, Murphy leaves when he wants to leave and not a moment before. He's a really sh!tty "guest".

DB your way through this, Ginger. Take back your control. You can do this.

Hugs and sorry no narcotics..

Betsey

[RosaLinda]

Glad to hear the good news about your house selling so quickly, Betsey! And that Murphy has left the room! And that V is graduating and coming home. So great that you have a home for her, and that you welcome her. I caught up on your posts this week just now, and it seems so strange that her dad can change from moment to moment like that, ripping up a check you gave him, and duct taping his wallet closed when it comes to helping his daughter. These guys are so confusing.

And Ginger, so sorry that your tooth is not better. And that your boyfriend is having such a hard time committing. I also think that he sounds scared, because I have seen in person how much he loves you. Betsey has good advice for you -- both to hold off having a relationship talk when you feel so crappy, and also to remember DBing principles regarding pursuit and distance. And when you're feeling up to it, having an honest and open talk.

Hang in there honey, I hope you feel better.

[Underdog]

t seems so strange that her dad can change from moment to moment like that, ripping up a check you gave him, and duct taping his wallet closed when it comes to helping his daughter.

If you knew his FOO, you would be able to connect the dots. He grew up in a household where it was expected to be completely self supporting when the time came (that time was arbitrary, in the eyes of the beholder). For him, it happened to occur when he graduated high school. He left Montana for Arizona, and his dad told him when he was packing up his truck to head south, "You're on your own now. So don't call me for help." He didn't come home for the summer, but took classes, since that line was crystal clear.

I always wondered why someone would say that to their kid, and always felt bad for him. He worked a job nearly full time and went to school. I don't know when he had time to do anything else (though I know he did, because I've heard the crazy stories), since he graduated from college with a degree in electrical engineering in a little over 3 years.

I think he's conveniently forgetting how much he didn't appreciate that sentiment from his folks? I mean mine weren't planning on me coming home to live with them for the rest of my life, but they were always willing to support me in my endeavors - however it worked itself out.

In the end, I think it's how each of us was parented. I happen to like my way better. I seriously doubt that living with me and her sister for the rest of her life is in her master plan, so why be a hard a$$ about it? Her school's career fair is next week, and I think it's all good. Her adviser told her when she declared her major that chem e's go last in recruiting. I think she'll be fine.

Besides, I love my kiddo and want her to have a safe place she knows when she needs it. Even if it's a new, strange place LOL.

Feeling any better, Ginger?

[Ginger1]

I finally got my tooth fixed, my dentist is the bets and met me in the office and did a root canal on me. I think the ED doc thought I was a drug seeker, but I was on the verge of hitting myself in the head with a baseball bat to make the pain go away. He did give me one dose of do lauded which sort of helped and held me over until I saw the dentist.

Bets, you are right, I have to go back to Db and the whole distanced/pursuer thing. Sometimes it feels like games I need to play so I try to avoid it, but this time I distanced. He did not contact me yesterday at all, was very distant the day before, but I got an idea from a little birdie what was going on. And I had mentioned I won't tolerate this a second time. I have not reached out to me. I will not either, until later today, to tell him this isn't acceptable. I had a nice convo with a friend where we discussed my worth . I'm a huge fiver in relationships, but I seem to pair up with takers. This one isn't vicious about it. He really is just so confused. It's a long story I'm not going to post on here.

What it comes down to is that I truly do love him. But I did learn from DB and from life, I have to love and respect myself first. I deserve to be treated a certain way. I give a lot in every relationship I'm in, not only my romantic ones. And if he's not in a place to give, that's fine, I understand, I just want some honesty. I'm not a person who someone should take from until sow thing better comes along, or they have no more to take from me.

I do hope this works out without me having to sacrifice my respect for needs. But what will be, will be.

In the meantime I have a 5:15 MRI appt because there is a lipoma on my spine, and then out with some friends. I took off school for 2 weeks and it's been nice not dedicating my free time to that.

Now I need to start feeling better!