It is the letter process which is important, rather than the content. I looked into Robx and his letters and Dobson and his. In some cases it's done to open the wound, Lance the boil and aid healing in an R.
I believe that's only a part of it. To explain my thinking on it is stretching my knowledge a little beyond its limits I think. Take what is written as a mere signpost, the method of travel to the destination and the speed is yours.
For some here, DB is a vehicle to repair R, it either does or doesn't and from that stance there are two ways, move on or dumpster dive our selves. Both approaches are perfectly valid and appropriate.
Damaged hurt people hurt people. This can be our spouses, ourselves or a combination which creates toxicity. In my own sitch there is damage, much damage, an R with a compulsive abuser, it would be easy to blame all life's woes on that. It's obvious, abuse is nasty and creates empathy in others. I think healing arises when we look deeper into ourselves, when we write our Dobson letter, and yes it's ok to burn and release it.
It does something though, in twelve steps it moves us from step 3 to step 4. I will provide you the link to the post on twelve steps. Step 4 is about analysis and our faults and whilst twelve steps doesn't say it our traits that make us who we are. Acceptance, the earlier question was as you were aware a means to elucidate from you that inventory. Put on paper our inventory is our toolkit and it has balance. We neither see all negative nor positive, just that which we own. It is merely today's snapshot of ourselves. It changes.
You moved very easily from step 3 to 4, not many do this and often it is unnecessary, many never have to, want to or find it necessary to make that inventory. Twelve steps is very good for peer to peer counselling, it gives real life support and healing. It has its limitations though as it can excrude other ways of healing. Such other methods include CBT, DBT, NLP and of course DB.
DB is smart healing in action, smart healing is a concept I came across in the gaming world from war craft. In Smart healing when we play a game as a team it makes sense to heal the weakest player. 12 steps, DB board does that, we offer our help and resources to those most in need the Newbies or those most in distress. This also fits with personal growth and self healing too, those who give the most receive the most.
There is a remarkable TED talk on games, trauma and post traumatic growth, it's one that has influenced my thinking greatly it is by Jane Mcgonigal and is entitled this game can add 10 years to your life. Although it is about recovery from trauma and post traumatic growth.
My higher spirit tells me that is the spot you are in at this very moment, the point of moving from step 6 to 7, then the tough one step 8 to step 9. I will explain in a separate post. The principle is to reach active atonement. First there is work to do, to truly connect with spirit.
There are posters here who in real time manage shift, healing and great growth to spirit. In no special order they are PP (pigpen) whose transition was so swift and shift came like a whirlwind, JellyB who is undergoing shift at present, Mutatio in the process of moving from step 3 to 4. You can tell this happens as life long issues no longer lead Di-Mond (Diana) who dropped life long habit of carrying others burdens to please them, and leaving behind a massive hoarding habit, clearing her environment whilst having really enormous debilitating illness. In case anyone missed her story, this modest woman grew in front of our eyes. Msd, Mustardseed who is truly becoming a strength to herself and others in great adversity, someone who worked hard when she could have given up easily.
Our Anc, is evolving.
Each of these posters sees the Trauma as an starting block for growth. Each in their own way has atoned.
It is difficult to atone to those who hurt you, who cause the Trauma, but it will and must be. That releases you from the burdens of your past. It is very Catholic in its principle. That is important to know, it's optional. I believe we don't reach spirit through meditation or hot yoga or listening to stillness, communing with nature or transcendence. These just provide the stillness in which the spirit commines with the physical. It is through extreme self care, which is not a selfish act but a self centered one.
The lesson here for Mahhty is one of self care, extreme self care, it is of putting Mahhty first in his own core. I suspect, no I know that atonement step 9 will be easy for you, you will embrace it fully, it is in your nature to gift to others and to accept responsibility even for those things that you are not responsible for. What is not easy is to atone to Mahhty.
I really see that the biggest hurdle for you in connecting to Spirit is yourself. It is in putting you first in your own life. In some ways like Z (Zelda), it was so hard for this remarkable lady to love herself. On five separate occasions we touched on Z's love for Z, it culminated in her writing a love letter to herself. It took her two threads to reach willingness to love Z more than loving her WH. Mahhty you are at that point now, on the bridge ready to cross to putting Mahhty first in his own life, doing that puts your dependant children first too.
There are a vast number of techniques to spirit but the fundamental source is love of self.
You wrote a very moving letter to W, now I would like to see you write the same letter to Mahhty. If you feel resistance then we are truly hitting the barrier. A letter of acceptance of Mahhty and the apology to him by you. In doing this include the ways will you will atone. In due course the cavern of emotions will release, anger, shame and the all important vulnerability and authenticity of self to self. There will be no cognitive dissonance, who you are is who you will be to you, without barriers.
Great shift and healing. Tumbling on tumbling. No disconnect to the higher spirit around you. Great abundance comes with connection toon to self. Deepak Choprange has seven laws to spirit. Onice connection is made to the National Grid of higher power there is glow.
After this comes great acceptance and then maintaining. You will never have the requirement to be so raw again. Taking extraordinary care of that remarkable being called Mahhty is your honoured job. You will do it well, with great pleasure. You attach to Mahhty and detach from all other outcomes. The care of him is first and foremost, and there is no resistance to that. This isn't a selfish act.
A love letter to Mahhty with care and atonement. Take your time if you need to. This is a big ask of you, and it's ok to defer, or lay aside.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/14/1508:51 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Know that in the last I refer to abuse of self, perhaps misuse would be a better way to describe it. It was a real eye opener for me to acknowledge I had misused myself. I twelve stepped my R with V.
I am asking you to move swiftly to step 7, to clarify the actions you need to take to atone to self. I trust this makes my thinking clever, sometimes I sense I am obtuse.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/14/1509:15 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Wow V. I've read and reread multiple times. Thank you for taking the time. I feel like In a way I've already been through a similar cycle. Especially when she first left. The latest revelation really pulled me back and illustrated my weaknesses in detachment areas and I guess just a fragmented approach across the board.
I took a stab at the letter. But I need to try again. It was difficult.
I had such a good weekend with my kids. I love them uncontrollably. My D doesn't want to go to X's tomorrow. And I don't want her too either! I love those kids. My S was sick again. Up all night Friday and slept in my bed last night. I didn't mind... I'm a cuddler.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
BTW good quote. Admitting that we struggle is not weakness but strength.
For a long time, I believe she looked at my willingness to go to counseling as a weakness. However, I do see how the willingness to learn or allow yourself to be coached is a strength, with the noblest of goals. To rebuild a broken family.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Mahhhty it is so easy to look at what we do with DB'ing as weakness as it goes against what our pride and our friends and seemingly our whole popular culture tells us to do. But it truly is the stronger and most loving route to take.
I love your letters. I have been following your thread and have read your letters a few times. You definitely deserve to be on the receiving end of one of them. You deserve the love, compassion, and kindness that you have extended time and time again to your W.
Wow, I a lot has happened since I was last checked in. So sorry that happened, you seem to be coming out the other side already. I love your list of 30!
You have grown so much over the past year. You are an amazing dad and a loving, caring person. When I first started this process one of the resources I listened to/read talked about trusting/focusing on the process, not the outcome(saving your marriage). He said not all marriages can be saved for various reasons, but doing certain things (many similar to DB) will increase your chances 100% over doing nothing at all. You did a great job with the process, still are. I'm not going to say that I'd rather be where you are, however, I do wish I would have done a better job with the process. My marriage may be intact, but it is far from saved. I did an ok job with the process on the surface, you really took the process to heart and are living it now. So you weren't as detached as you thought or wanted to be, that is easier said than done. But you truly made the changes you wanted to see in yourself and are living it now, keep it going moving forward, your xw truly is the fool.
(())
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Wow, I a lot has happened since I was last checked in. So sorry that happened, you seem to be coming out the other side already. I love your list of 30!
You have grown so much over the past year. You are an amazing dad and a loving, caring person. When I first started this process one of the resources I listened to/read talked about trusting/focusing on the process, not the outcome(saving your marriage). He said not all marriages can be saved for various reasons, but doing certain things (many similar to DB) will increase your chances 100% over doing nothing at all. You did a great job with the process, still are. I'm not going to say that I'd rather be where you are, however, I do wish I would have done a better job with the process. My marriage may be intact, but it is far from saved. I did an ok job with the process on the surface, you really took the process to heart and are living it now. So you weren't as detached as you thought or wanted to be, that is easier said than done. But you truly made the changes you wanted to see in yourself and are living it now, keep it going moving forward, your xw truly is the fool.
(())
((((lost18)))) Thank you! I think I've missed your perspective on here. You've helped me more than you know. I don't have any regrets. I recognize I didn't have the tools needed when I started, but I did everything I possibly could. I didn't always do the right thing but I did my best.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
