Need Help

[AU Bob]

Yeah people on here talk a lot about their WW coming out of the fog. I think I am just coming out of it myself.

[mvgfwd2]

With regards to inviting your W to your birthday pick the option that makes you look like a strong, confident person.

For me that would be not inviting. On one hand she may expect it, on the other she may be thinking about why you didn't.

[AU Bob]

That's the Issue.
I am not going to invite her. But I am sure she will tell the kids "dads just being negative" so either way you can't win.
I have been going out a bit more, and she has made some sarcastic comments to the children about it. Although its OK for her to do it.
One of the reasons she said to me why she left is that she wants "no strings" but they still want the family (children grand children) there for when they want that family thing. Its a bit selfish to just want to slip back in when they feel like it and then go back to doing their "own thing" again afterwards. I spose she has felt like she missed out on life while bringing up the children and being a wife, but sorry that's what having a family is, you sometimes have to make sacrifices, the same as I had to. I didn't cut and run because I needed to focus on myself. That's why its hard to do now, I still feel responsible for my children. I'm not saying she dose not still do things for them, but its when she chooses most of the time, not when they ask.

[mvgfwd2]

Of course she will say nasty things about you. That's what waywards do. But you have to stand up for yourself. She will badmouth you whatever you do so you might as well have some self respect to not allow someone who is that disrespectful to be invited. You have to show your children the consequences of acting as your W does. That is your responsibility to your children.

[AU Bob]

Yes your right. I think her coming round for coffee was a temperature check thing just to see how i was going. Or to try and get the "friend" thing going. How do i explain not wanting her at my birthday, any suggestions as to what to say and not come across as being negative?

[Ancaire]

Hello, Bob! Just caught up on your thread. First question; have you found the book yet? Your next step is goal setting, and there is really great advice in that chapter on how to do it. Can you add a signature to the bottom of your posts (on your profile page?)

You're doing well in GAL activities. We need to look into some 180's and goal setting.

[mvgfwd2]

Who do you have to explain it to? Your daughters? Talk with them about your boundaries and I bet they would agree with them. Just say you would love to have your W at the birthday but within your boundaries. Seriously, you do wish your W would be there but you also have self respect and have boundaries that they also agree with. Now its your W's problem if she can't come to the party.

Anyone else, just change the subject and move on.

[AU Bob]

Yes. I spoke to one of my daughters this morning and they agree with not inviting her. So its settled . She not invited
Ancaire. Thanks for responding.
Yes. I have ordered the book DR. Cant wait to get it!
I would like Sandi2 to have a look at my thread, but i cant PM her cause i have only posted 20 times or so, could someone ask her.
Thanks

[Ancaire]

Bob, none of us can PM. I have no idea why, but we're not allowed to do that. Sandi will likely eventually find your thread, but if I spot her on another thread I'll be happy to let her know you'd like her help.

I can tell you, after reading through your thread, your wife is acting like a typical WAS. Selfish, cold, and self-serving. It's all "me, me, me...what about me?" with them. They all seem to read from the same script, too.

You not inviting her to your birthday celebration is brilliant! She needs to realize what she doesn't get to be part of anymore. Most LBS are too terrified to make a statement like you're doing, so they put up with cake-eating for far too long (voice of experience.)

Acting like she's no longer part of your life, and excluding her from things she would once have been part of is the fastest way to get her attention. Kudos to you! Just be careful to not be a real jerk about it. Strong. Calm. Determined.

Have you read through Sandi's Rules on the Newcomer's front page? Those rules are invaluable. Refer to them daily.

Happy early birthday! I'll check back in on you later.

[AU Bob]

Thanks
No dont want to ever be a jerk. Thats not in my nature. Just starting to come out of the LBS fog and starting to stand up for my feelings. Its taken the six months for me to settle down a bit. The anxiety of it all is quite debilitating. She is in the honeymoon period of the separation and has not really suffered any consequences of what has happened until the last couple weeks. My birthday will be the first family exclusion for her, usually our family christmas day was spent at her sisters place, but my daughters do not want to do that this year, we are just staying home. My daughters have all swapped gyms with me last week, so i think all this will impact on her a bit or maybe not we will have to see!