It's been over a month and I've been meaning to give an update for a while.
I have turned 40 in the meantime and my gift to myself was my D. I wanted to move on, to accept the reality and no longer look back at WW and R as an option. Indeed, I no longer want to reconcile. The idea has been with me almost since the beginning of BD, growing slowly but surely: WW cheated on me once and threatened to leave after 5 years and one kid, then five years and one more kid later, she ran away with a colleague she met a month earlier. I cannot ignore this fact in my assessment of her. Before that, I wanted to spend my life with her. After that, she was a different person.
I'm not proud of the husband I was. Maybe I was worse than average, maybe not, but for sure I was not good enough for her. I could have done better, but I didn't. And she left. She had lost interest in me earlier than that and it was very painful to me, and a source of arguments. She's gone now and looking back is no longer helping me.
In every other aspects of my life, I'm going through a golden age. Everything about my life is right. All my family and friends are healthy and in good situations. So am I: no health issues, a job I love and plenty of work and income. I've never been this close to my kids and parents. I live near them, I love my apartment, and I enjoy dating, even though I haven't met anyone I'd consider as a new life partner. I am in better shape than ever. I could go on.
A few things have brought me there, just before my birthday.
I saw a man on a bike with a leg prosthesis.
I read Norah Ephron who said "My divorce lasted longer than my marriage. It's enough."
I re-heard a bit from comedian Mike Birbiglia who tells how he got involved in a car with a drunk driver who rammed his car. Because of a mistake in the police report, the insurance wanted him to pay $12,000 to the drunk driver. He calls the police to get the report revised and when he finally talks to the captain, he's told «You made a bad turn, now do the right thing, and pay for the guy's car.» He's outraged, of course, and becomes consumed in a fight for justice, so much that his friends avoid him because that's all he talks about. One night, he's on a date with his girlfriend, writing ideas about the case when she says to him: "I don't know what to tell you. You're right, but it's hurting you." And so he paid and moved on.
There has been a few more things, and I was finally ready to hear them. Like the amputee on a bike, it might not be what I wanted, but I can still live a full life. Like Norah Ephron, I can choose to move on before it consumes too much of my life. Like Mike Birbiglia, perhaps I'm right but it doesn't matter: Do I want to be right or happy?
Another thing stuck with me recently: a good friend full of wisdom remarked that I should want WW to be happy otherwise there will be hell to pay for me. If she loses her boyfriend, her job, her health or whatever, it won't be good for me. I still resent her too much for what she's done, but that is my next step, the place where I'm heading my ship.
Then my goal will be to move past my victim status. I don't want to be marked by this D. I don't want to be the guy who's carrying this burden, who can't trust, who's sad underneath. I want to be as whole as I was before it happened.
Most will not see this as a success story because I did not R. But if our primary goal is to save ourselves, than I am a success story. DBing has helped me tremendously to get through the worst period of my life and doing the right thing. I'm proud of how I behaved myself during that horrible year. I'm proud of how I acted with my WW and my kids and with myself. If I had one thing to change, I would be less open to so many people about my relationship with WW. I confided in too many people, but then again, this is not a big regret. I don't know if I can say that this is the end of DBing, given that I've always seen it as a good way to live my life, R or not. Many things are now a normal part of my life, especially doing things for myself and not for WW. I speak with my actions, with her as in the rest of my life. I'm immensely grateful I found this community: it was the only place I met people who were going through the same thing.
I'll probably stick around to read about a few people's lives and perhaps to give an update every now and then. I want to say an immense thank you to all of you, the vets and the newbies, for being a special part of my life at a moment where I needed it most.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, I am happy for you. Thank you for the update. I do see your story as a success, you are an inspiration to me and to many others, I am sure. Thank you. And Happy Birthday!
A Beautiful post. A testament to you Mozza, but also to the power of this community. Thank you for popping by. You were one of the first people to welcome me here. Thank you. A BUMP for this important post.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Mozza, I'm so glad to read of how well you are doing. There is much wisdom in your post above. I was interested in your comment about the guy with the prosthetic leg. My signature line was written by a guy who also lost a limb - but found himself. I think that sometimes happens when we lose the 'marriage limb.'
I'm with you on the desire to wish your XW well. There was a long discussion on Caliguy's thread in MLC about forgiveness, which you may find interesting.
Thanks for coming back to update and good luck with everything xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Most will not see this as a success story because I did not R
OMG Mozz! What on earth are you talking about?? I can't speak for everyone, but to anyone in the DB community, you are a HUGE TREMENDOUS SUCCESS!! You post is proof of that. You have reinvented yourself and emerged as a super person with your sanity intact. You have gone through the crucible and came out as pure silver.
Thanks for being there when I needed it. Much success to you.
Thanks everyone. I'm very happy to hear that so many of you see the success in this. If we think that our only option in life is to be with a specific person, then we have a problem. I very much wanted to be with WW, but I've adapted to the circumstances and now I don't want to be with her anymore. On the other hand, I'll be with myself forever, so I better nourish this relationship.
I don't hang out much around here over the Holidays because I remember the pain that they bring. I'm sorry I can't be of more support. What I can say is what you already know: it gets better. These are my second Holidays and I haven't had any overwhelming sadness. A pinch here and there, but really not much. No crying at all. I remember that it didn't bring me much solace to know this, so I'll just stop here, and tell all of you that I think about you and your legitimate sorrow. May it get better sooner than later.
I will no longer update the success stories. I don't spend enough time around here to keep on top of them, although I'm sure they keep on happening. Also, they are quite a bit of work to put together and even to update. I hope some of the moderators will consider recycling or updating them. My next conversation will be in the "Surviving the Big D" forum.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
