Mr. Fantastic took my kids out with the girlfriend's kids this weekend. My kids don't seem too fussed, though the boys are MUCH clinggier than usual. D12 is being stubborn and demanding.
I have to say, it's a little bit hard not to take it personally. He traded me out for another SAHM with the SAME FIRST NAME as me. Took the six kids to do an activity we used to do as a family. It's like he was perfectly happy to have that life that he claimed he didn't want, he just wanted someone else to fill my spot.
I realize he's a an immature liar and a jerk who leads with his penis. It's revolting that he's trying to make a new family with a woman who STILL LIVES WITH HER HUSBAND (and what is all this doing to her kids????) I guess maybe I need some reassurance that I'm not the cr@ppy one. Because I feel like dirt.
I hadn't unfriended him on Facebook yet because I unfollowed him and didn't find it necessary. But today he liked a video I posted of my S9 and now I think I might.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
No. I live in a relatively small town and I keep hearing about her antics. Last week a supposed friend came to apologize to me for not coming to an event I hosted -- she said she "felt conflicted" because she was friends with both the GF and me. I hear about the party and the same source said that the high school parents the GF is associated with are talking about how she and her husband are "having problems."
This stuff is all openly discussed in the community. My kids spent Saturday before the party with her and her kids having been told by their dad that she's his girlfriend. I have always been concerned about his drinking and worried about navigating alcohol when the kids are teens because he said when D12 was a baby that he was in favor of serving alcohol at high school parties as long as the kids turned in their keys because that was what his parents did when he was in high school.
If a parent is willing to serve a teen alcohol (and my source clearly did not have advance knowledge that this would be the case), at what age do they draw the line? 16? 14? My 12 yo is very mature looking -- she could easily pass for 15-16. A parent who is willing to serve minors doesn't card, does she? Nor is she responsible enough to know when she's impaired herself. So where does she draw the line?
I don't want my kids spending time with Mr. Fantastic when he's with his GF for a lot of reasons. I think it hurts my S9 to see his dad with another partner. S7 has complained that he doesn't get to spend enough time with his dad. How much worse will it be if he has to share him with a GF all the time? I worry about the messages my D12 is getting about commitment, about respect, about alcohol use, about sex. I don't feel like the situation is bad enough to warrant getting the law involved (yet), but it's clearly terrible. People who know the GF know and refer to her as a woman who is married to her husband. D12 was friends with her son before Mr. Fantastic even moved out of the house -- what message does it send that he (the kid) is living with his married parents but being taken on outings with his mother's "boyfriend" and her kids?
I am not sure what I'm looking for here except maybe a place to vent my shock and disappointment that Mr. Fantastic really is That Guy and that he has decided to embrace being That Guy whole hog. I worry a lot about my kids and hope that I am the parent they need to come out healthier than he is.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Regarding the kids, my experience and attitude has been to let them figure it out by themselves. D7 is asking questions every now and then. I'm not lying, but I'm not criticizing either. I cannot criticize their mom anyway: it's their mom and I've read over and over again how hurtful it is for kids to be torn between the two parents, to have a conflict of loyalty. If anything, when they finally figure out what happened, they'll likely have a renewed sense of respect for my self-control over the whole thing. So I would say given that your WAH's behaviour is so out of norm, just let them come to their own conclusion over time, it will be way more convincing than if you try to bring them to it.
I have hope that you'll find the strength to focus on you, on your life and ignore his antics. That you'll get to a place where it doesn't matter what's the name of his girlfriend, what's her living arrangement, who he slept with and when. It's liberating and it frees up a lot of energy for the things that matter to you.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, I really like your reply. It's inspired me as well.
MB: yep, the situation is kinda messed up. I think the best you can do is to teach your kids through your own actions. And certainly being someone who can hold her head up high with grace and dignity, and let go of anger and resentment is something beautiful and powerful to show your kids.
Hang in there. He's taken you on quite a ride, but you can simply step off and let him flail on his own... Hugs.
(P.s. this post is basically a message to myself as well...)
Well, I decided I need to move myself forward so I signed for an online dating site. I've gotten an outrageous amount of responses but I'm not sure how to move forward with a couple of interesting guys. The interest level has done a lot to get my mind off Mr. Fantastic.
My poor sweet S9 told me the other night that between me and his dad he loves me 99.9%. I feel sad that he feels that way so I thanked him and hugged him and said I love him all the way, and that he shouldn't feel like he has to divide his love between us.
I have a job interview Monday. Life seems to be moving forward again.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, I'm sad to hear how your kids are being affected. I'm very glad to hear about your job interview and about your dating possibilities. Keep us posted!
Good luck with the online dating. I crashed and burned a few times but kept at it until I hit the jackpot! Sometime you just have to kiss a few frogs. Listen to your instincts - I found that was a good strategy. If something seems wrong or weird, move on quickly!
I've been on online dating websites for a few months now and it has been good to me, who has a hard time approaching people in real life. I can't quite provide much guidance to you though because the male experience is very different from that of women. There are more women than men on there and men tend to be more aggressive. Maybe the one thing that I've heard from women on this site is to avoid replying to men when you're not interested because they don't handle rejection gracefully.
But there's one thing that applies to both genders: be honest. First, be honest with yourself about what you're looking for. Then, be upfront about it on the website. I had to shed a few layers of embarrassment and shame before being able to do this. Sometimes, I felt I was writing the "wrong" thing from a socially acceptable (in my view) standpoint, but I knew it was truer to who I am and what I'm looking for.
Dating is a matching game. It's not about impressing people, nor arriving to the top of some pyramid. The selection criteria are arbitrary: some people like tall, curvy, patient, smoker, witty, strong-willed, submissive, etc people. Go after what you desire, then find someone who desires someone like you. You might think "Yes, but everyone wants a tall dark handsome man! I can't be asking for it too!" or something like that, but no. Our tastes are not universal and you shouldn't negotiate against yourself. I've been surprised myself at how much it paid off to be honest and go after what I desire.
Oh and don't worry too much about disappointing people. If you're not interested, the kindest thing you can do is to be clear about it.
Good luck. I hope it will bring you joy.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Sometime you just have to kiss a few frogs. Listen to your instincts - I found that was a good strategy. If something seems wrong or weird, move on quickly!