My modelling experience has had to be postponed. I have come down with a really nasty chest cold. The last thing I needed right now!! I have to pack up and clean out my house in less than 3 weeks. Really [censored] to be sidelined right now.
Being sick also makes me emotional. I miss my H!!! I wish he was here to make me tea and feed me chicken noodle soup, like I did for him when he was sick this summer. I barely hear from him now and that hurts me too. Once or twice a week he initiates brief text conversations. They are usually about something funny or a TV show, then I get silence. So frustrating!
I've spent some time reading through the MLC threads. Some days I feel that is exactly what he is going through. He's only 38, but he has pretty much withdrawn from the life he had with me. Moved away, gave up his business, got a tiny bachelor apartment. All he does is work, sleep and play video games. i can't see a place for me in that life.
I'm feeling so dejected today. Yet he still tells me he loves me whenever we see eachother and when we talk. They are just words....I would love to see some loving actions.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Some days I wish I could just go off the rails and have a MLC and be selfish. Think only of myself, screw responsibilities, kids, animals, finances. Some days I wish I just didn't care about it anymore. Some days I don't want to be married anymore and wish I could just fall out of love with my H.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Feeling much better the past couple of days. The anxiety still hits me at times. Sometimes I still think about my H when I make decisions, but lately I just don't care what his reaction will be. He made the unilateral decision to leave the marriage. He really gets no say in what I do or not. For the most part I really don't tell him about my every day life. I do miss talking to him. He was my best friend and I told him everything, all the time. Ah well, life goes on. Wednesday I start moving into the condo I rented. Looking around the house, I still feel like I have too much stuff. It's amazing how much you accumulate over a couple of decades.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Hi Di, I thought I'd walk over to your place and say hello. I just read this thread. I am very disappointed in your husbands behavior. I don't understand these spouses that shut down, put up barriers and can't work with their spouse to make the marriage thrive. Please know that we are here to support you and are in the same boat as you. Be well
Spent the day with my H, getting some legal things taken care of for the sale of the house. No fighting, no drama. Actually felt pretty comfortable. We watched some TV, went shopping a bit. We were affectionate, but the love seems to be gone.
Funny thing is that I can really feel myself detaching. Before I wanted nothing more than to be with him again. Now, I really don't know if I can see a future with us together. He has his single life, I have my plans for the future. We have no plans together. He still keeps everything to himself, never expresses any of his emotions. I can't mind read, nor do I want to anymore.
Can you see and feel " falling out of love" ? I'm starting to think I'm getting there. The pain is almost gone. I get sad, thinking that in a years time the person that was most important in my life will have vanished. We have no children together, he never cared for the animals, nor cares if he ever sees them again, his friends were never close to me, he lives in another city, nothing to ties us together. Often I thought that was a curse, but now I think it might be a blessing.
IDK....just rambling away. Lol!
I think I'm just about ready to drop the rope.....
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
The vanishing is always the hardest to comprehend I think Di. How can someone who was there every second of every day, in your thoughts, in your decisions, and firmly in your heart...just be gone.
I understand why people equate D to a death, I spoke to my W multiple times a day via text, ILU's, phone calls to and from work, you name it. Then BD hit and poof - she's gone!
It's all so strange isn't it. With M, I believe we also tell ourselves on some level that this is forever, so we won't ever find ourselves in this predicament again. We've all had break ups, but those days are gone once the rings come on. Craziness all around.
I wish I had deep, sagely advice for how to let this all unfold faster or with less pain but it doesn't seem possible. There appears to be an unwrapping that happens with D and that unwrapping is all of the intertwined fibers of the combined lives coming apart.
Again, it's all so strange from the outside looking in.
Your attitude is great, you're doing the only sane thing one can - taking it one day at a time. Each one presents a new challenge, and a new opportunity for both letting go, and healing.
Drop that rope, it helps, even if you pick it up real quick at the first sign of life from your H. You don't hold on to it as tightly the next time you pick it up.
Big hug from the US,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I picked up the rope and called him today. He is still so cold and withdrawn.
Less than 2 weeks until final move day. I'm starting to move boxes tomorrow. Taking clothes and knick knacks. In the meantime I'm caught in the middle of my sons and his GF drama. They just moved in together Nov. 1st and every day they fight. My S is having anxiety attacks and his GF is super hyper needy type. Their relationship is rocky at best and I can't see a happy future for them. I keep telling them "Not my circus, not my monkey! Keep me out of it!" Yet they both keep calling me. I worry about two of my kitties that moved in with them. I worry about my son loosing his job because he can't cope with the responsibilities of adulthood. He reminds me a lot of my H. Thankfully my son has started to get some help for himself. Appointment with IC tomorrow and he started anti-anxiety medications yesterday. All I know is I have to distance myself, the stress of their situation is causing me physical health issues. Stress is super bad for my condition.
Some days I just wish I could run away from it all!!!!
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
