Black and white

[Avanti]

What has become clear to me, unfortunately only recently, is that a good M is made up of two people who consciously decide to make it great. They think about how to achieve the things they want to and then discuss it with one another, a bit like the business analogy you used earlier.

Because I didn't get a manual when we left the church on our wedding day I thought that everything just kind of worked without having to think about it and the feelings that I had during limerence of almost being able to mind read my W would continue forever. When things go tough we just built up a whole load of resentment until it got so big that we couldn't see one another anymore but it kept on growing.

The next R that I step into will not be weighed down with, it'll all just magically work, I'll be constantly looking for us to review what we can do to make our lives and R that much better. It all sounds a little lacking in spontaneity so I'll be sure to add some of that every so often to ensure we the spark going.

[Maybell]

Referring to what Sunny said:

I've been paying really close attention to my friends' marriages, because I want to know what makes a marriage work. It appears it's what she said, basically. They're not magic. They're commitment, a willingness to spend time continually getting to know one another, consideration, and low expectations.

In short, I think, a happy marriage is being able to navigate real life by yourself in an unselfish manner, but closer to the person next to you than to anybody else.

Love and sex and fireworks are things you get when you communicate what they look like to the person you're married to -- and that person is willing to receive the communication.

Now that we've been through this process, we understand the importance of communicating clearly, and hopefully we've gained some skills at it. The trick is fiinding a person willing and able to reciprocate.

[JulieH]

Hi zues,

Hope you and your family are well. I also hope your mom is doing ok. Thanks for posting on my thread, even when things are so tough for you.

[SunnyB]

OK, Zues, we've come to the part of the week where I ask you how your weekend was......so...

How was your weekend, Zues? How are the kids? How are things coming along legally?

My son entered a photo in a contest, didn't win, but placed. Guess what the subject matter was?

[Zues126]

How was your weekend, Zues? How are the kids? How are things coming along legally?

My son entered a photo in a contest, didn't win, but placed. Guess what the subject matter was?

Alligators!!!!!! Great choice by him if I do say so myself

OK, didn't have the children this weekend so no updates there just yet...other than I'm working on getting s11 the stuff he needs for his project we're going to work on.

Court- some stuff went down today. Just got back from court. Not really ready to talk about it yet. I will soon. Instead for now I'll talk about something that makes me happy.

I played pool on Saturday and it was mediocre. One thing that is REALLY disturbing to me is that I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror.

In my MIND I picture myself as a world class player. Physically. Mentally. My motivation and focus is unequaled by anyone, anywhere. I have a laser focus on a goal that I'm striving for. Every day I wake up with limitless energy and push forward towards that goal. Adversity just pours gas on the fire and makes me hungrier. I see obstacles as stepping stones to achieve because the fastest route to my target is straight through the challenges that lay in the way. I need to succeed, failure simply isn't an option, and life and death doesn't even begin to describe how important it is to get there.

But when I look at REALITY that's not what I see. I look like a shell of myself. Most days I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I am perpetually fatigued. My goals are murky and look like chores. Adversity is discouraging, something I deal with reluctantly. I can barely keep up with life's demands. I am not in the best physical shape and struggling to keep working out. Sloppy, mediocre, disengaged...(shudder) 'average'.

This just doesn't work for me. That's not ok. It may be ok for others, but it's not what I'm here to do. I know what I'm here to do. I'm not quitting competition, and the idea of accepting mediocrity with excuses about how "I'm a dad now, I have to support a family, I can't put into it what I used to", well, read my original post about black and white. I'm not interested in a story about why I'm some busted out runner up. No thanks.

I played Saturday, it was the first time since the last tournament two weeks ago. I played the guy I split those last two tournaments with for some money. Well, I got him down 4 racks and then he asked to double the bet and he'd play 2 more racks. He fought like a lion and won them both to win his money back.

Afterwards I felt very dissatisfied. I didn't play poorly by any stretch. Heck, I outplayed him by 2 racks on the day, didn't do anything 'wrong' really, and didn't get beat. But *I* know what I *DIDN'T* do. I didn't play like the champion I believe I am. I didn't play like it was life or death. I didn't play like it was a game of inches, like the reason the universe was created was for me to shoot *this shot*. I played like a middle aged out of shape salesman going through the motions. At least that's how I felt compared to how I want to perform.

So yesterday I decided to enter a weekly tournament. It was a small event, but there were 3 players in the field that were top 5 in the midwest, so it was tough. I won my first match against one of those top players. Second match was against a guy I have a big edge over, but he got a huge lead and shot his best, it was a really gritty set and I barely got there. Then I played one of the other champions, this guy that is playing the game as well as it can be played right now. He is young, hungry, just realizing how good he is playing, and has no weaknesses. Smooth, confident, pocketing balls effortlessly, cueball on a string, great break shot, mentally tough. He just beat a pro player out of a few thousand a month ago in a money game. We actually played in the state championship in January, I beat him 7-0, he beat me 7-0, then I beat him 7-0 in the last round and won the title. So we respect each other and have even played on teams together. But when we play we want to win. Well, that respect for his game motivated me to play my hardest...and I ended up zoning out, COMPLETE trans, and beat him 7-0. He said "just like last time" and congratulated me.

Next thing you know I'm in the finals and have to be beat twice (double elimination). I end up playing the guy I beat first round. Figures, I knew it would come down to us three. Anyway, last time we played was a couple of months ago, he did double dip me in the finals of a regional event. I really didn't want that to happen again. But unfortunately something bad happened- he beat me to the punch on solving the rack. Non-pool players don't really understand, but at the highest levels no one really makes mistakes so the game comes down to getting opportunities. Most opportunities come from the break. And racking is half the battle. With old balls, different sized balls from mismatched sets, and divots in the spot, this can be a challenge. Figuring out the speed to break, which side of the table to break from, where on the spot to rack the balls...it's a big part of the game. It's not just 'hit 'em hard and hope'. Well, he SOLVED the racking/breaking game and was draining the wing ball in the same corner every time, and the 9 ball (we were playing 9 ball) kept hanging near the same corner. He has 4 'short racks' in the first set, meaning he'd make one shot then shoot a combo on the 9 ball to win. So 4 games where he'd break and tap in the 9. Meanwhile I'm dry breaking, getting hooked, and having to battle through tough layouts for each of my racks. We still went 5-5 but then he got a shot and ran 2 racks and out to close out the first set.

This felt so unfair. It is so frustrating. It is so discouraging. I can't even tell you. I want to win more than anything, more than anything I can't accept being the fat piece of crap with a story about why I lost, consoling myself with 2nd place because it was pretty close while knowing I am just reaping a residual off the skills I developed back when I was a real player. NO! I can't allow that! BUT- there was nothing I could do, because he continued to outbreak me and I couldn't get chances at the table. I felt at the bottom of a pit of despair, it was so terrible.

But then I realized- when you compete, there's always a wild card. Nothing goes according plan all the time. Sometimes your tip comes off and you have to play with a back up shaft you're not as comfortable with. One time a referee put me and my opponent on a 30 second shot clock to speed up the match which was a major distraction under the pressure of the last game. Sometimes the referee makes a bad call and you have to deal with it. Sometimes someone in the crowd is loudly rooting or betting against you. Whatever. Sometimes THING COME UP, and when they do you have to deal with them. Even when they're unfair.

I realized I had to deal with this break. And I couldn't stop him, and I couldn't duplicate his results (I was trying!), but I COULD make up my mind not to let it get to me. And not to allow myself an excuse to lose. I decided that the real tournament was about THIS. *NOTE*: It wasn't my first match, it wasn't all those shots I made, it wasn't beating the other champ 7-0, it wasn't running all of the tables I ran to get here. It was THIS. Dealing with THIS. THIS was the whole tournament. THIS would determine if I was a champion or a story teller.

So I handled it. I ratcheted up the intensity to another level, denied any negative thoughts whatsoever, and played every stroke with the purpose of overcoming this obstacle. And lo and behold, I got some chances, and he made a fumble, and I NEVER did, I played perfect on and on and on until finally I got the chance I needed and gunned those round suckers off the table to notch up the last game.

After that there were some congratulations, some pictures, some payouts, and me and my opponent shaking hands with a very, very mutual respect which we've shared for years. And a ride home. Very anticlimactic.

But look guys. I realize that I'm not a champion. Nor am I a fat sack of crap. I have a little of each in me. I'll never be one or the other. It's not black or white . BUT- I'll tell you this...my journey is about finding the champion within me and bringing it out to the best of my ability. This was a good win for me because I realized I haven't lost it...and it makes me hungrier to bring that out again and again going forward.

Thanks for asking, listening, and for sharing some of this with me. You guys are very special to me.

[PigPen]

But look guys. I realize that I'm not a champion. Nor am I a fat sack of crap. I have a little of each in me. I'll never be one or the other. It's not black or white . BUT- I'll tell you this...my journey is about finding the champion within me and bringing it out to the best of my ability. This was a good win for me because I realized I haven't lost it...and it makes me hungrier to bring that out again and again going forward.

Thanks for asking, listening, and for sharing some of this with me. You guys are very special to me.

Nothing's black and white Z, especially with competition. Competing is truly one of the best opportunities to practice a lack of control because while you may want to control every aspect of it, stuff happens. You miss a shot that you could make blindfolded, you get the flu, your opponent plays the game of his life. Just happens.

Loved reading all of this, but especially that last paragraph. There will always be a champion in you no matter how you play, or what your W does, or what happens next in your life.

Great writing,

PP

[SunnyB]

I loved reading your update, your pool stories are always intense and I can tell they make you happy. Agree with PP that the last paragraph is great, shades of Zues.

So.....legal stuff? An overview, please, just to get it out there? That's part of the journey, too.

[Ancaire]

I needed this today, Z. Thanks for sharing your insight!

[gonegrl]

Z, you make me want to be a champion at something. I don't know what, but I need to figure it out. You are very inspirational!

[Zues126]

Hey guys, sorry for the delay. Was on the road a few days for work and kids tonight. Been a whirlwind.

Court was just a meet and greet with the judge, and then we are scheduling an evaluation with a court social service to make a recommendation about parenting time. I am to prepare a statement describing our background, our children, my relationship with them, etc.

I'm not even sure what to say about it. When I was in the court building I didn't say a word. My L did the talking for me. I felt like everyone else was an alien because it was so strange to me that everyone else goes along with this like it's ok. That I literally have to make a case in court as to why I should raise my children. I started picturing them with alien tentacles coming out of their backs. I sometimes feel like I'm alone on this planet and either I'm totally insane or everyone else is.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do at this evaluation. My L said she'd get me some talking points and review with me. I told her I could stick to facts, but I'd be a bit sterile. She said the courts need to see the real me. I said that's not a good idea because the real me thinks that everyone in this building is a criminal that will one day be regarded as the worst scourge since the Nazis and that if the social services people really wanted to know me they wouldn't put me in a room with a woman that made me more uncomfortable than sitting waist deep in a pit of snakes and interrogate me with the threat of losing my children hanging over my head...not exactly my normal 'day in the life'.

But I am a game player, I can do pretty much anything, so I'll review the talking points and put on a dog and pony show. I'll get some time with my children, not as much as I want, because anything less than 100% is a joke. But that's fine. My dad told me "it'll be ok". I said "it won't, but I can handle it until I die".

I talked to my friend tonight. I said it helps to understand nothing is really ours. Everything is so fleeting. We want to go out and get this life the way we want it, then hold on to it tight like it belongs to us. It doesn't. It's really on loan from God. Eventually everything will be taken away, little by little. Some people have some things a bit longer, but eventually we all lose it all. But that's only an issue if we feel we need everything forever. If we can accept that it's a loan maybe we can just enjoy what we have while we have it, and hold things a little more lightly. So my wife was taken back a little sooner than I expected, living with my kids was revoked...but...there are always things to be grateful for as well, so I focus on them.

One funny thing, I was reading a story in which a man was talking about traditional roles from the 40s and 50s. He was talking about how men used to go out and cheat on their wives, and their wives would basically look the other way and be appreciative that their husbands came home to them and provided for the family. This was in addition to putting up with a lot of other abuse and alcoholism. Yes, women put up with too much...but somehow it seems things shifted so far, that now they won't put up with anything. It's like everyone is on a quest for personal growth and thinks the goal is to grow, grow, grow, and heaven forbid anyone disagrees with them or has a different view, that must mean the other person is emotionally immature and underdeveloped, can't let that get in the way of their happiness and growth. That's why I hesitate with the growth kick around the DB forums...I LOVE that we do healthy things out of our losses, but I HATE the idea that somehow if we don't experience a rebirth we aren't worthy to be in an R. A newcomer said something about "driving his WAW away" and a vet agreed with his perspective...I do not...I agree with focusing on ourselves because there's no productive alternative, not because we're broken as we are.

Bottom line, when my buddy asked me if I'd ever trust a woman again or if I'd want a pre-nup I said "forget the prenuptual, I'd want her to drink a vial of poison that only I had the antidote to that had to be administered daily"...

So I can see there's a lot of anger I'm still working through. It doesn't feel like anger, not like I'm burning hot. Now it's more disgust with anyone related to the legal process, and repulsion for anyone that acts in ways that indicate they share these outlooks. But that's ok. Once I purge this crap out of my system I feel pretty serene and appreciative most of the day. I showed my kids a magic trick. We played a game of chess. We had a bowl of ice cream. We read together. Whatever happens I'll know I did my best and appreciated what came my way. Goodnight all.