Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

Ok, I will accept that. I am totally grieving the death of a fantasy. I created the fantasy, he obviously did not live up to my fantasy, and I am 100% sure I did not live up to his fantasy.

I can continue to wallow and distract myself with a large number of GAL activities or I can map out my fantasies, what I think might be his fantasies (PG rated, or course) and search for solutions that will bring me closer to those.
Once I get a few down, I will pick one. The easiest one I can find and see if I can make that one fantasy a reality.

[Gmum]

Once I get a few down, I will pick one. The easiest one I can find and see if I can make that one fantasy a reality.

[/quote]

Just read that and for a second I thought you meant get a few drinks down, haha.
But really, it's Tuesday so we are supposed to be celebrating you going to your appt today. My wine is open. Cheers lady.

[Mona52]

I went to my doctor's appointment. I got there early. I filled out all the paperwork and was 100% happy and ready. They looked at my insurance card and they do not accept my insurance. They would have been happy to treat me, but I would have had to pay out of pocket. Since I need major work, I had to walk away.
So tomorrow I will search for a different doctor

But I am still drinking to celebrate my bravery

With you Gmum!

[Gmum]

Cheers!

[Mona52]

Had a great conversation with H today. As I was going over my plans in my head and reading DR and reading another site that spoke about a halo effect I was getting myself all confused about what I need to do next.

TLR says NC. The halo effect says I need to do 4 good things to cancel out one bad.

I completely shut down at the end of our M so me using NC was more of the same. But I need to give him a chance to miss me so I cant contact him.

But all I have been doing anymore is complain, and last night, for some reason, D16 called him and asked him for a ride home.

I had invited H to spend time with D 15 yesterday and he said he could not. So it was weird that D 16 called him. She did not know he was busy. But, he did not say no to her and he actually drove her home yesterday.

So today I decided to send a text and break up the NC. We texted for 2 hours.

Me: "Thank you for driving her home last night., I did not tell her to do that and her phone died before I could tell her you were busy."

H: "No worries. I enjoyed my time with her."

The next 2 hours I spent asking him questions about his job and other stuff, and filling him in on what the kids are doing. I refused to go within a mile of any kind of fight or any R talk.

We first met at the printing press he now works at. So I was able to ask questions that show I know him better than anyone else in the world. And only I understand what he is talking about. But they were harmless questions, for example, are the presses single web now? That may make no sense and it is certainly completely harmless, but he understood that I was amazed at something he was doing.

By starting off the conversation with a thank you, he was quick to open up about his job. I kept the focus solely on him. I know the pains of working that job so I was able to draw out the pains to show him I understand how well he is doing.

If there is one thing my H loves to do, it is to talk about himself. If there is another thing my H likes to do, it is to over exaggerate the truth so he gets pity.
I validated like a boss and the more I validated, the more he spoke. There is a point where he actually sent me 4 text messages in a row!

He became so comfortable in our conversation that he actually ...

wait for it, because this is priceless...

complained TO ME at one point that his whole check was going towards child support.

(remember, he left me at one point and had another child out of wedlock and he pays her support)

So he is paying me for three kids and her for one!

I dont know who took over my body at that point, but I actually validated his freaking feelings!

Dont get me wrong, I was angry... Livid, but in my text messages to him it was all like "That must be very hard..."

Then I would send a text to my mom with my true feelings. "Mom, you wont believe what he just said to me!!!" I really did not want to text my mom at all, but I am 100% sure I would have physically exploded if I did not vent SOMEWHERE.

It was a mistake, because her text messages back to me were all negative... (Completely understandable. If someone was being a jerk face to my D I would be very negative about that jerk face. But since I am fighting for that jerk face right now, a little positive support would have been helpful.)

Now is when I act as if today never happened. I will not mess this positive experience up by have EXPECTATIONS. The halo effect means I need to show him 4 positives to erase a negative. Today was definitely a positive, but I am going to count it as 2 positives,because I did more than one good thing in those 2 hours.

My plan tomorrow is NO CONTACT. No Contact. no, I really mean it... no contact.

I only want one or 2 pleasant conversations a week right now. Even if he wants more. I need to absolutely take everything molasses slow.

But at least I am going to bed confident that I really can do this. I know exactly what to say and what not to say to make him react positively or negatively.

I remember the girl I was 20 years ago when we first met, so i am 100% sure I can elicit his loving feelings again. I just need to move forward in a way that I am NOT winning my M back, but I am creating a new M starting today where we both get our real needs fulfilled, not just back to the same old M.

[Gmum]

Wow, you really are the Validation Master. I'm not sure I could have kept my cool with a text like that.
I'm sorry you had to deal with your moms reaction though. I get that too, if I listened to my friends I'd be all lawyered up by now.

[Mona52]

The dip in my roller coaster is done now . I do not know why but the last 3 days I have been seriously sad. I know I felt guilt for going out and having a good time, and I definitely felt guilty for slow dancing with a few other men.

But this morning I woke up and realized I have been sleeping, I mean really sleeping through the entire night, because there is no incredibly LOUD snoring to deal with and it felt great.

The temperature in the house has been perfect, and I can walk from room to room and I dont have to feel angry at anyone.

I saw a show on TV while I was getting ready for work, and I liked the guy on it and my mind went to what my life would be like if I had a guy like that as my H. That also felt great to think about, even though they were only quick, passing thoughts.

I was remembering our pleasant conversation yesterday and I was really praying that my H is as deeply affected by it as I am. In my head he was, and I cooked up a perfect reason to text him today. I had the phone in my hand and I opened the messaging program to his name, and stopped myself just in time.

No Contact means NO CONTACT!

No problem, I have a million other things I need to do anyway. At least I am in a great mood today!

Gmum, I am 100% sure you helped by "being" with me last night

[Gmum]

Well, if that's all it takes, I'm happy to help anytime.

[gonegrl]

Mona, good for you, the next time you are validating his texts and you need to vent, you should come on here, we will hold your hand through it! And hopefully be less negative than your mom.

You get the Academy Award for last night's performance! Good job.

[Zues126]

Thanks Gmum! I think I try to rationalize it most to myself. I am embarrassed to say I want him. I joke to myself that he is my heroin, my poison that I cannot live without. Then when I think he is not good enough for me, like at all, i get so sad.

I dont really worry that the M is done. I am very sure I know exactly what I need to do on my end to breath life back into the M. If I am honest, I know that by me changing 2 areas over 50% of our issues will be resolved.

One area will be completely resolved in March. Me and the kids are getting a new house in March. This alone will completely do him in.

The second area I will have wrapped up in another month or 2.

But that is not at all what I want, and I think that is where the pain is coming from. I dont want HIM back. I want the fantasy H I dream about. I want the man who shares my bed, not plays on the PC all night. I want a partner for the kiddies. And other things I imagine a good M looks like.

I dont think I understood until right now where all of this pain was coming from. And I think I finally found it. I am grieving over losing something I haven't seen or thought of in years. I have absolutely no idea if I am able to get our M to the point were I am getting what I need from it.

I am desperately sad because I feel completely hopeless. If I get H back, he will never be what I need. If I dont get him back I need to start all over. So I am alone.

Ok, good. Now I know why I am so sad, now how to rise above it?

Hey Mona. I will admit I haven't been following. If you read my "black and white" post you'll see that I'm very pro-m, to a fault perhaps. I respect that you have been down this road before but when I heard you were letting go of your M I decided not to post because I didn't think I'd add much value.

I checked in to read the post of another vet I like, and it looks like the tone has changed. I'm delighted to hear that. Whatever the outcome...and I hope for the best...I'm proud that you are openminded about the chance for your M.

One thing I'd like to point out is that your H may change if you do. That's the entire spirit of DB, it takes one to tango. It really does. And while you can't make him change, don't think he'll always be that way. My WAW left me for reasons that were very fleeting, while I have character that would've lasted her a lifetime. And she doesn't realize that I felt the exact same way, and that we dragged each other down. That doesn't mean we weren't 'compatible', it meant we didn't know what we were doing.

Take a read through my latest thread if you get bored, it's been some good conversation on commitment and what is possible out of a marriage. I'd like your thoughts. I'm idealistic, but maybe a bit naive too...

Anyway, I don't think wanting your M is a poison. Maybe for the wrong reasons, but if that's a poison I wish more people would drink up like the sicilian from the princess bride