So I've been thinking a lot about Mr. Fantastic's girlfriend situation and I am much calmer now. (Sorry, Claire, I'm going back to the sarcastic Mr. Fantastic, because he's just SO NOT, and the other name is just not sufficient for his awesomeness.)
Anyway, I'm sure that most of the dating he's been doing is of equally high moral fiber so I'm not going to worry about it. But my kids know his family. His girlfriend, as it turns out, is still living with her husband. ("Exclusive"?) She sticks around the house long enough to feed the kids and then several nights a week she goes off to spend the nights with Mr. Fantastic, then sneaks home early in the morning to be there when the kids get up. I'm sure her kids understand what's going on but to the outside world, she's still married.
I want to be able to communicate to my kids that it is NOT OK to interfere with other people's relationships like that. But obviously I can't throw their dad under the bus in that blatant way. I wish he didn't feel the need to bring my kids into his scenario but I had no argument ready for his concern that they would find out at school.
How can I raise my kids to respect the sanctity of marriage and family? How can I communicate to them that what he is doing is wrong?
As an additional note, he's told D12 that he's looking to buy a house after Thanksgiving. Now that I know his girlfriend is still living with her husband, I strongly suspect Mr. Fantastic intends to move her in with him when he buys the house. This is NOT going to end well.
Does anyone have any wisdom for parenting my kids through this debacle? I feel like they need guidance but not judgment on the situation. I don't want them to grow up to be self-absorbed sociopaths. I want to protect them from the crazy. Also, I'm very, very ashamed I gave them such a man for their father.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, thanks for stopping by my thread. I'm finally getting around to catching up on some as well and you have had a time for sure.
I have found, for me, that the absence of XH has made our whole split easier in many ways and I know not everyone has that luxury.
I wish you all the peace and happiness you can find.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Just had the conference call hearing with my former boss. She told a FLAT OUT LIE about me and she KNEW it was a lie. I am so upset. I don't even care what happens with the hearing. I am just so angry that someone could tell a flat out lie and then call ME a liar -- and all for no gain whatsoever, just out of pettiness.
Help.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think I've turned a corner. I've been really struggling with what to do with my life -- looking for a job that will satisfy me for a long time, that I can settle into, that will feel reasonably fulfilling and make use of many of my strengths. It has taken a while to calm down and I think I just had to really break down before i could get to this new place of calm.
I decided I wanted to start running again, but I haven't made a lot of progress. Then one of my sisters-in-law invited me to run a half-marathon with her in Florida this winter and it has really lit a fire under me. I'm feeling a sense of purpose again. So then I went another step further and found some meet-up groups in my area. I haven't attended any yet, but I'm going to try two out this weekend and just enjoy doing activities of my own without the kids, who are with their dad this weekend. It will be nice to get out and hopefully meet a few new people without any expectations of anything other than just enjoying the event.
Mr. Fantastic is going to do what he's going to do. But the kids and I are really drawing closer and that has been wonderful. I know I've said this before but I feel like they are confiding in me a little more and that means the world to me.
Here is what I think I've learned:
1. I don't have to have my entire life figured out. I just need to know what I want for right now, and to keep my eye on who I want to be in my life. So I don't have to have my entire career for the next twenty years figured out so long as I remember to be my best self every day.
2. I am a person worth organizing my life around. If I want to set the goal that I'm going to run half-marathons in the next four months, and I plan for how I'm going to achieve that, then that is sufficient purpose. I don't have to plan for my epitaph this year.
3. It is OK to take a little bit of time away from the kids to have fun. They are going to grow away from me in their lifetimes and if I want to have a close relationship with them then I need to have my own life so they feel free to have lives of their own. Then we can come together and share our differences in a loving and joyful way. I have them 26 days a month. If I don't take a little time away from them to have fun I won't be able to be loving and joyful. I'll be too darn tired.
4. It is WONDERFUL to be able to talk to my friends about stuff other than my drama. For example, to talk about THEIR drama, and return some of the friendship and support that I've been so blessed with in the last two years. I feel so much freer now.
Hoping you are all enjoying this beautiful fall as much as I'm beginning to...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
4. It is WONDERFUL to be able to talk to my friends about stuff other than my drama.
Hear Hear! You sound great, and I'm so glad. That ^^ was so freeing for me too. To finally not be the "left one" and to be just "me" felt good, and I noticed that it originated in my own attitude more than in how people treated me.
Happy fall!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Such a beautiful post, MB. This morning on my way to work I saw this gorgeous pile of leaves-- ig and brightly colored reds, oranges, yellows. They were still falling around me. It was such a gorgeous sight and it made me think that there can be beauty even in tragedy, and that it is the cycle of life that things die, but also that, in time, there is renewal and regrowth. It sounds like you are entering your "spring".
MB, MeetUp has been wonderful for me. I started hesitantly doing some things a year ago, and now I'm a permanent fixture in a couple of groups, plus a "side" thing that has developed. What I loved about MeetUp is that these people didn't know me as half of "Mr. Perfect and Sunny". They don't know Mr. Perfect, don't care. They are interested in me as a stand alone, and I've made some nice friends. I have also made peace with the fact that I may or may not still be friends with these people in 10 years, and if not, that's perfectly OK. They are in my life at the time I need them. Bottom line is, good for you, go to that MeetUp, try out a few until you find the right fit. You do need and deserve grown-up time, MB.
I went to a ballroom dance lesson tonight and had the BEST time! And tomorrow I'll run for my half-marathon training and see a movie with a friend. The last time I went to see a movie was Gone Girl!! Sunday a great play. And last night I delivered a meal to a friend going through a tough move. I feel like my life is mine again, and it's a very nice one.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
