Where to begin? Part 2

[Dawgs]

Hey Beckyb! Thank you for the encouraging words! How are things going?

I know I still have a long way to go, but this place has helped me on a personal level, too.

[sandi2]

She mentioned something in our session last night about about the separation, space, and all and said something to the effect of not knowing how to make things work again (I can't recall exactly). I wanted to tell her that just have to try and let things happen. Guess that wouldn't have been a good thing to say, eh?

Actually that is a hook she threw in the water, trying to get you to bite. My advice is to stay away from those type of statements, "I just don't know if it would work". That is a trap. You get into a R talk, which is not good. No matter how positive you may try to be.....she'll get you every time. Do not discuss the C sessions, period!

When I walked in, the first thing she asked was what I thought about our couples session last night. I told her that it seemed to go well.

Why not say, "Oh, IDK. What did you think?"

But that friendship and emotional connection was key, and they are so very intertwined.

Sure, if your W is working on saving the M.

My counselor is great. We also spent a good deal of time discussing the book Codependent No More that she let me borrow. She has been great in helping me to see a lot the things I was doing and helped me to discover why, which is really the key for me.

Great!

[Dawgs]

Thank you, Sandi, for keeping me grounded as usual!

[Dawgs]

More journaling.

Last night was also uneventful. As I was getting ready for my run, the W asked if she could run with me - so I said sure. Loaded the kids in the running stroller and off we went.

Now mind you, I have been really good about detaching and abiding by the 37 and all - and haven't had any relationship talks in quite a while. In fact, no texts, emails, etc, either.

During the run, she was quite chatty - in fact, more chatty than usual. We didn't talk about us, but she opened up a lot about her next duty station and asked me what I thought on things, which has become a more frequent thing lately. It just seems like she is becoming more and more like her old self.

My to do on our relationship is still the same - there won't be any relationship talk until she initiates it. But I will continue to work on the friendship (NOT to be confused with the friendzone...) and rebuilding the connection. Maybe what I have been doing in that area is starting to take root - even it is baby roots, they are still roots nonetheless.

The counselor talked about rebuilding the connection. When we are in couples counseling together, if my W ever disagreed with the counselor on the relationship front she would be quick to point it out or whatever. In our last session, as everyone may recall, there was none of that and the W talked about how our laughing and joking was still there and actively happening. And she actually laughed and joked a little during that last session, too. That is one of the many things from that session that led the counselor to suggest working on rebuilding the connection - but in a way that doesn't bring relationship talk into it. I kind of liken it to pre-dating, if that makes sense.

As for me: I am continuing working on myself and also trying to be the best Dad that I can be. I spend as much time with the kids as possible. Some may say that playing tea party 50 times in a row or being the evil wrestler 50 times in a row would get old quick, but not for me. I love it and quite honestly, there isn't anything I would rather be doing.

[Cole_]

You sound like you're in a good place, or at least a better one. I'm glad. Keep your spirits up but stay strong and consistent when it comes to interacting with your wife. I know how easy it is to want to believe things are back to normal. Take it slow. You seem to realize that, but I know that I always appreciate a reminder.

Time with the kids is definitely one of the few things keeping me going these days. There's simply nothing better than seeing your kids smile and laugh.

[Dawgs]

I am getting there, Cole. Thanks for stopping in!

I am in a better place as far as my own well-being. I am really, really trying to temper any expectations and not getting my hopes up - which is a problem I know I have. Thank you for the reminder! I need to hear it more than I want to admit!!

It's all about the kids. They ARE my life!

[Dawgs]

Ok guys, I am fluctuating between having hope and downright being scared that I will be crushed. I know that I am of the type who gets their hopes up. But what I don't know is how to stop that monster from emerging? How do I conquer it?

Now that there appears to be a candle at the end of the tunnel, I can't stop getting my hopes up.

Let me ask everyone this, let's say that there is a light. And that things start to grow...my W isn't the best at expressing her feelings and is also prideful - what if she doesn't come out and rightly say that she wants to start again, but instead feels that I should know this?

[dday]

I wish I knew what to tell you. I keep screwing up and asking her about it every few weeks. That does not help me. Probably starts me back at square 1 again.

I hope that you are starting to see the light. I wish that for us all!

Good luck, and keep up the good work

[Dawgs]

I wish I knew what to tell you. I keep screwing up and asking her about it every few weeks. That does not help me. Probably starts me back at square 1 again.

I hope that you are starting to see the light. I wish that for us all!

Good luck, and keep up the good work

Thank you for the kind words, dday. It really helps me out alot. There are times when I want to do a temperature check (more often than I afraid to admit), but I bite my tongue and go to the journal about it. I miss her, I really do. I keep telling myself that one day at a time and that the light I am seeing isn't a reflection from my own flashlight...
I really hope that the light is true!

[Cole_]

Maybe the way to tell that the you're beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel is when she starts to demonstrate true remorse and starts pursuing in a way that is undeniable.

Think about how most of us reacted when our spouses told us that they were no longer in love or when we learned about the A. We lost our minds and started begging and pleading and obviously pursuing. Maybe that's what you need to see before you can truly say that she is ready to work on your marriage and the light at the end of the tunnel is real. I'm sure I read about the roles of the LBS and WWS switching at some point and that the LBS needs to be careful not to carry too much anger and resentment if/when the WWS decides it's time to return and work on the R.