It is absolutely OK to stand for yourself and your M.
If you need permission then you have it, freely and generously given by a higher spirit, this is given to you by your higher power. That is how you have been guided to this board.
You and your child are very precious in this world. I know this very well and your health and wellbeing are the most vital thing for almost any interaction. I believe in extreme self care in all circumstances. In every way you take enormous care of both of you.
Absolutely an L is important, and an L you can relate to. Keep your cards on this close to your chest.
Tenderness and rainbows
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/13/1512:28 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Like the others, I'm sorry you are here, especially with the extra challenge and anxiety of facing a pregnancy in this sitch.
I'm not going to diagnose your H, but it is not all that abnormal for some men to really struggle when the reality of fatherhood bites them. You are right to see MLC as a possibility, as impending fatherhood can set off a whole host of issues for a man. Am I living up to expectations my father and society have set for me? Am I able to live up to the responsibility of having to give of myself to someone so dependent on me? Am I capable of providing everything that I feel that I should (again, see expectations father & society have laid on)? Maybe unaware of being dissatisfied w/ career, and at least unconsciously recognizing that he now has obligations that might make changing that path difficult.
He may not be open to IC, but it is something to consider asking him to try. I know he has rejected MC, but if you put it as "I understand you are wrestling with a lot of questions and choices, and I get that you are unsure and unhappy. Maybe having someone trained to help sort through these things would be worth a try?"
Besides helping him work through his doubts and choices, that he is having these right after learning that you're pregnant might mean he is also wrestling with the reality of being a dad. Having someone help him untangle the M from becoming a father might help.
Then give him some space. Ask very clearly for what you need to support the pregnancy, but otherwise give him as much space as you can.
It won't be easy (on top of the usual BD, M crisis), as your body and hormones may be doing all sorts of not-so-fun things to you. The anxiety produced by M crisis is bad enough, but to add the anxiety about facing motherhood w/ a question mark of a H has got to be really, really difficult. Time to reach out for support from the women (and the occasional man - although my experience is this is the exception) to form that support network you are going to need through this very difficult time.
Good luck & keep posting.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
How refreshing to get another man's perspective! I started IC when I learned of the EA. My therapist also says it is not uncommon for men to go through this during a wife's pregnancy. She says that a lot of times it improves, especially when they are able to bond with the baby. It seems that all of the events are aligned with this pregnancy, although it was carefully planned. A family member told him a couple of months ago that he would make the perfect father. He responded with a very nervous expression. 2 days after was when he told me ILYBNILWY. His father also left when he was just a baby and they never had much of a relationship. I wonder how that is affecting his behavior now.
We had a brief period of reconnection a couple of weeks ago. There was no intimacy or R talk, but for a few days, I could tell he was genuinely happy. Not necessarily happy with me, just not depressed. He was smiling a lot. We were spending time together, actually enjoying each other's company. Lots of positive interactions within a few days. Then, it's like it freaked him out and he pulled farther away than ever. That is when he told me is 100% sure he wants a divorce and laid out the plan of how we would separate after the baby is born. I read that H who are pulling away become scared when they experience some reconnection with their W. Not sure if that's what this was, but it sure seems like it. I can say that during those few days, I became more nurturing toward him and I believe that was my mistake. I should have continued to give him space.
I know he needs to experience how life would be without me, but that is extremely hard with me being pregnant. I have started interacting more with friends. But I don't have a lot of energy to GAL. I will keep trying though, because I feel that this could definitely affect our outcome.
He is currently searching for an individual therapist. He says he wants to work through all the anger and resentment he has toward me. Not in an effort to save our marriage, but to better himself. My only fear is that he will begin working with a therapist who will reinforce his decision to leave our M. I know that he will present one sided information and paint me as the reason for all of our issues. While I know without a doubt that I've played a major role, I also hope he will learn to accept that he has made a lot of choices that have put us in this predicament.
If he is unsure of himself as a father, should I be doing anything to tell him otherwise? Should I be boosting his ego in some way? Would this be counterproductive? I feel that the OW boosted his ego in a lot of ways and that is why he turned to her. Not sure if he still has contact with her. He denies. But they work together, so he at least sees her on a daily basis. He initially told me she was in a R, but not sure if that was true and what that status is now.
In my view, it is a risk worth taking. He has some unfinished business to take care of and some growth to undertake. He will resist suggestions to do something for the M. He is uncomfortable with the M and w/ being an H and a father. He's not going to make an effort for those, at least right now. So, helping himself is enough.
Of course, an IC may not help your M, but hopefully will help the man you love become happy. Hopefully it will allow him to grow and be capable of a better R as co-parent. Don't worry about his IC. It is just something you can't control. Worry instead about looking at yourself, getting a little distance from him, and getting a life that help help support you and make you happy as a mother of a young child whether or not he he joins you. If he does, it will be a richer life for you and your child and your H. If he does not it will be richer for you and your child than it would without these.
Also, the GAL activities and reaching outside your M for support helps to make you happy and fulfilled as a person. Your M won't do that for you, and attempting to put that on an M is a lot of pressure. However, becoming happy and fulfilled on your own and then being willing to share that with those willing to meet you there makes you the attractive woman that might just draw you back in.
Appealing to his duty and responsibility and promises and obligations is going to send him running to the hills if he is having doubts about the M and being a father. So, stay as far away from those as you can. Sure, you should insist on certain support, but don't try to guilt him into coming back to you. Instead focus on you and how you are going to become the person he falls back in love with. Give him a good reason to consider coming back. Let him work through his resistance to the obligation side of things on his own as free from guilt from you as he can, and he may just deal w/ his sh*t and recognize the life he is giving up and embrace trying to repair it.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I have started interacting more with friends. But I don't have a lot of energy to GAL. I will keep trying though, because I feel that this could definitely affect our outcome.
While I know without a doubt that I've played a major role,
Out of everything in your post, this is what you should focus on. Work on your own issues for yourself, and GAL.
It is great that he is seeing a IC. Hopefully, not even a personal happiness-focused counselor will think it's a good solution to leave a pregnant wife and an unborn child. I'm sure the fact that his father left him as a baby is going to come up, this all sounds like family of origin-stuff that he needs to work through.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does, is the saying around here (especially about the OW).
I think you should set some boundaries of your own and not leave all the decisions up to him. He needs to see you as your own person.
Treat him nicely, but like a neighbor. He has fired you as his partner and wife, so don't volunteer to do the job.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I think you guys are right, he has a lot of issues surrounding his childhood that he needs to process. I'm sure that becoming a father is bringing these issues to the surface. He knows what it's like having a father walk out and I wonder why he wants the same for his child?
I do need to stop making him feel guilty because it doesn't work. He just says I make him feel like a bad person. And it typically leads to one of us being hurt and angry.
You all are giving me hope that I can become the person he falls back in love with and that makes me feel so much better. It is hard as I feel so unattractive right now. And it is a challenge to appear upbeat when I feel so so sad. But if that's what it takes, I can do it. And it will make me better in the end, no matter what. I can definitely expand my social circle and take up new hobbies. I know that I need to give him space and time. And I need to stop all efforts to pursue. Not sure why all of these things are such a challenge.
Okay, thank you for making me feel it's okay to stay and work on my marriage.
Deepblu - Welcome to this place. I am so sorry that you are here, but I hope you will take Cadet's advice and keep posting.
I saw this line you posted, and I want to make sure that you dont see this time as time to "work on your marriage". You can be standing for your marriage, but I dont want you to judge your own success by the success OF your marriage.
Now is the time to work on you. To prepare yourself for motherhood. Learn to be the best deepblu that you can be so that when your child does come, you will be the mother that it (sorry, that sounds insensitive, but I didnt catch the gender...) deserves.
To be in a happy relationship, you need to first be happy with yourself. By the tone of your introduction post, I dont believe that you are....yet.
I will in no way apologize for using the next few months as time to work on my marriage. Along the way, I will do things to improve myself and hopefully my H will do the same. That is important in maintaining a healthy relationship. I will find ways to learn and grow to become a better person no matter what. I joined a Divorce Busting forum, not a Give Up and Accept Your Divorce forum. My purpose in joining was to acquire tools that will help me save my marriage. My H is going through something I cannot explain and do not fully understand, but I love him dearly. I still believe in our marriage.
I don't judge my success by the success of my marriage. I have a great career and I have achieved many things. I have a wonderful family and some great friends. But my marriage is part of my happiness. When I married, I intended to share a lifetime, not a few years. And I vowed for better or worse. Not until we hit a rough patch. Not until he stopped loving me.
I am preparing for motherhood in the best way that I can right now. My child will have nothing less than the best of me.
I am allowed to be unhappy about my current situation, as are others on this forum. We are all in difficult situations. MWD wrote DB and DR to help people save their marriages. Some marriages can be saved and some cannot. But if this was all about personal fulfillment, the "Success Stories" on this site would be much different.
I hope others on this site are receiving great support and I hope they are encouraged to fight for what they believe in.
