LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M

[CaliGuy]

Gnicks

Reading your sitch... Yeah you are hanging on every move or non-move your WW does .... In your actions you may not think you are pursuing but you have such a death grip on the rope I would imagine she knows you are still right there where she wants you

You need to detach, GAL... Read the book.. These guidelines are here for a reason

[gs9]

Yeah....I definitely have her under a microscope. I find myself looking for signs that the actions I'm taking are making a difference. I want to make sure if I'm not seeing results that I don't waste time before moving to a different strategy. But in the end I know these actions are for myself. Trying to detach and I believe I'm making progress. I'm definitely not giving her anything. I'm about half way through the book and have been GAL-ing at least twice a week without letting her know what I'm doing. I've also been hitting the gym 4-5x week. I started 180's at least 2 months ago.

My ultimate goal is R but I'm trying to make sure to recognize small victories/steps along the way to keep from becoming discouraged. I have hope but also realize it's her choice. These small steps give me hope.

[gs9]

Gnicks

[quote=CaliGuyIn your actions you may not think you are pursuing but you have such a death grip on the rope I would imagine she knows you are still right there where she wants you

Do you think she knows I'm still attached? I feel I've been pretty successful at GALing, setting boundaries, 180's, not reassuring her, etc....
I do feel like I'm constantly looking for progress with out talking to her

[dwh15]

I'm probably grasping at straws and we've had very little contact over the last 2 days but in both instances I made sure to be cheerful, she didn't make eye contact and seems down. Hopefully, she's second guessing her WW ways and the D.

You are definitely grasping. Unless you're a mind reader, you have no idea what WW is thinking, and if you try and guess, you're going to be wrong most of the time. Not making eye contact could be for any of a hundred reasons, Maybe she's feeling guilty or remorseful, but just as likely she's thinking about everything she has to do after she leaves, thinking about OM, maybe thinking you disgust her. There's no telling and it's a pointless exercise to waste any time on it.

Acting calm and happy is the right approach, but women also seem to have a 6th sense to detect how you truly feel about something, especially your WW, who knows you better than anyone. I'm sure she is picking up on vibes that you are not truly detached but hanging on her every word and action, and it's giving her ego kibbles, which you do not want to be dispensing at this point.

I know how hard it is, but you need to try and truly detach from WW, and not spend time thinking about her, not letting her actions or thoughts have any impact on your emotions. Best way to do this is GAL activities, spending time with friends and family, doing things you enjoy. There is a life w/o WW and when you embrace that, you will start to feel a sense of relief and freedom and quit worrying about what WW does or does not think about how you are doing. At that point, she will sense it and that will cause her to start evaluating what she wants and what she is willing to lose.

[sandi2]

I met her at our S14's baseball game at 1:20 hoping to catch some baseball but his game was ending. As I approached I went right to D4 and gave her a big hug. WW and I said almost nothing to each other. Only that the baseball game was ending. She was gathering her stuff and asked me to fold up her chair. I hesitated and she said "never mind I've got it." I think she's caught the hint that I'm not going to do things for her anymore. It does feel weird to watch her struggle but I know it's for her own good. I pray she comes around before the D finalizes.

WW stepped in my office this morning. I cheerfully said "Good Morning." She did not make eye contact and She said she had made D4's lunch but asked if I would put together snacks. I told her I had already intended to do so. She left.

Just for clarification, you didn't greet your W at the game, but you cheerfully said, "Good Morning" in the office?

[gs9]

I met her at our S14's baseball game at 1:20 hoping to catch some baseball but his game was ending. As I approached I went right to D4 and gave her a big hug. WW and I said almost nothing to each other. Only that the baseball game was ending. She was gathering her stuff and asked me to fold up her chair. I hesitated and she said "never mind I've got it." I think she's caught the hint that I'm not going to do things for her anymore. It does feel weird to watch her struggle but I know it's for her own good. I pray she comes around before the D finalizes.

WW stepped in my office this morning. I cheerfully said "Good Morning." She did not make eye contact and She said she had made D4's lunch but asked if I would put together snacks. I told her I had already intended to do so. She left.

Just for clarification, you didn't greet your W at the game, but you cheerfully said, "Good Morning" in the office?

Yes, I cheerfully greeted D4 at the game but not her. And yes, when she walked in the office. I cheerfully said good morning. Mistake?

[gs9]

I'm probably grasping at straws and we've had very little contact over the last 2 days but in both instances I made sure to be cheerful, she didn't make eye contact and seems down. Hopefully, she's second guessing her WW ways and the D.

You are definitely grasping. Unless you're a mind reader, you have no idea what WW is thinking, and if you try and guess, you're going to be wrong most of the time. Not making eye contact could be for any of a hundred reasons, Maybe she's feeling guilty or remorseful, but just as likely she's thinking about everything she has to do after she leaves, thinking about OM, maybe thinking you disgust her. There's no telling and it's a pointless exercise to waste any time on it.

Acting calm and happy is the right approach, but women also seem to have a 6th sense to detect how you truly feel about something, especially your WW, who knows you better than anyone. I'm sure she is picking up on vibes that you are not truly detached but hanging on her every word and action, and it's giving her ego kibbles, which you do not want to be dispensing at this point.

I know how hard it is, but you need to try and truly detach from WW, and not spend time thinking about her, not letting her actions or thoughts have any impact on your emotions. Best way to do this is GAL activities, spending time with friends and family, doing things you enjoy. There is a life w/o WW and when you embrace that, you will start to feel a sense of relief and freedom and quit worrying about what WW does or does not think about how you are doing. At that point, she will sense it and that will cause her to start evaluating what she wants and what she is willing to lose.

I definitely want to cause her to sense I'm gone w/out completely closing the door on R. I'm doing GALing at least twice a week. I'm going to the gym 4-5 nights a week right after work. I'm not initiating conversations most of the time. I had to tonight. Part of mediation agreement gave me the option to move out and she had to go to IC at least 2x month. I had til the 20th to make a decision about moving out. I told her tonight the IC was manipulative of me and I don't care if she goes to IC or not. It's not helpful if she doesn't want to go. I also told her I would not be moving out. She then began name calling. I walked away. I got my headphones. I went back and told her " I do not speak you this way and I will not be spoken to like this." She said "you're a whore and that's why we're getting a divorce." I said "you're a whore" and put my headphones back in. She continued name calling but I couldn't really hear her. Wish I wouldn't have said that. Oh well. Was thinking I should apologize but then decided that would be pursuing. She can stew on the fact that I'm taking anymore of her BS and not apologizing right away. Going to probably need the headphones some more tonight

[gs9]

Not taking anymore of her BS......definitely needed the headphone some more. She was in the shower in the MBR which is where I sleep now. I knocked and opened the door saying "I'm stepping in for a second" She said "you knocked but I didn't say you could come in". I said " if you don't like it shower somewhere else." She began saying something but I left.

When she was done in the shower she stepped out of the bathroom and motioned for me to remove my headphones. I pulled one out and asked if she was going to speak to respectfully. She mockingly repeated what I said so I put the headphones back in and turned toward the TV so I couldn't even see her. She continued talking but i couldn't hear her. She left. She came back again to say more to me but I had my headphones in and didn't even look at her.

Feels like I'm making things worse but every time I've demanded she respects me there's been a good outcome over the next couple days. We'll see what happens this time.

[sandi2]

Yes, I cheerfully greeted D4 at the game but not her. And yes, when she walked in the office. I cheerfully said good morning. Mistake?

Just didn't understand the inconsistency.

I definitely want to cause her to sense I'm gone w/out completely closing the door on R. I'm doing GALing at least twice a week. I'm going to the gym 4-5 nights a week right after work. I'm not initiating conversations most of the time. I had to tonight. Part of mediation agreement gave me the option to move out and she had to go to IC at least 2x month. I had til the 20th to make a decision about moving out. I told her tonight the IC was manipulative of me and I don't care if she goes to IC or not. It's not helpful if she doesn't want to go. I also told her I would not be moving out. She then began name calling. I walked away. I got my headphones

Great job!

I do not speak you this way and I will not be spoken to like this

Okay, good. But what is your plan if she does speak to you disrespectfully?

She said "you're a whore and that's why we're getting a divorce." I said "you're a whore"

Not good. You just proved you are lying. You just told her you do not speak to her that way.........then you turned around and did it. You just told her you would not be spoken to that way, and she challenged you by doing exactly that.

The headphones were working fine until you challenged her. Calling each other names is about as childish as it gets. Putting the headphones back on after that, could be symbolic to sticking your fingers in your ears and poking out your tongue, making a face at her. If it wasn't so sad, it would be comical.

[gs9]

Okay, good. But what is your plan if she does speak to you disrespectfully?

My plan is to put in my headphones and walk away. If she does it in txt msg I will not respond.

Not good. You just proved you are lying. You just told her you do not speak to her that way.........then you turned around and did it. You just told her you would not be spoken to that way, and she challenged you by doing exactly that.

Yeah.....I knew I blew it here. I'm usually pretty good at controlling my tongue but that one slipped out. I will be more disciplined.

The headphones were working fine until you challenged her. Calling each other names is about as childish as it gets. Putting the headphones back on after that, could be symbolic to sticking your fingers in your ears and poking out your tongue, making a face at her. If it wasn't so sad, it would be comical.

Yes, I agree. Name calling is a go to for her throughout our M and I've been pretty good at controlling myself. At least I only said it once and nothing more. She continued with the name calling throughout the night but I just pretended I couldn't hear anything she was saying bc of my headphones.

Do you think the headphones are a good strategy? She started again this morning and I put them in again. I was about to leave, had my headphones on, the music hadn't started yet. I could still hear her but I pretended I couldn't. She was trying to tell me the parenting plan begins today, that I don't get to go to the gym every night and since I was gone last weekend that I would be responsible for D4 this weekend. I know the parenting plan doesn't start until I sign the documents and the court orders it. So I will not let her push me around. I plan to go to the gym after work tonight and continue to go to the gym every night.

Do I send her a text that says "I've tried to make it clear. I will not be spoken to disrespectfully any longer." ?