Yesterday was another test of my mettle. XH picked kid up from school without informing me. I was in a state of panic when I went to pick kid up and kid was not there. The teacher informed me that XH had picked kid up.
The old me would have thrown a hissy fit. However, after I got over the panic, I realised that XH wouldn't mean kid any harm. What I did was to call the principal and reminded her again that there must be no unauthorised pick ups from school.
Texted the X and asked if kid was with him, and reminded him very civilly that he had to tell me when he was going to pick kid up and keep to the schedule as I had a great fright when I couldn't find kid. No apologies from X but he agreed to inform me like he was supposed to.
I think I must have another conversation about not using kid as the messenger. But that would have to wait another day. One battle at a time.
I was even able to face the X civilly when he dropped kid off later in the evening. Small steps...
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I guess I am still a long way from being detached enough not to be knocked windless when he does marry the OW. I read in one of the threads that one way of detaching is to ask yourself if you would be interested in getting to know the X if you were both strangers now.
Honestly, the answer would be no.
So I guess, now all the DB techniques that I have learnt will be put to use into maintaining a cordial and civil relationship as a co-parent. Because we owe kid that much.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
was lurking around other threads and reading. And then I analysed my own situation and realised that there is a lot of truth in "believe in 50% of what they do, and none of what they say".
XH said that he didn't want to have anything to do with kid, but here he is now, seeing her every other day, and sometimes even more.
But I also understand that this may not always be the case and I am mentally preparing myself that this situation will definitely change if he marries the OW, and when kid moves into formal schooling next year.
I guess I have taken one step further along in my detachment journey as I no longer second-guess or triple-guess his actions and words.
Last edited by Grlonfr; 10/16/1510:48 AM.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
A while back (years ago, really) I realized I was mourning for the marriage I wanted and not the marriage I actually was in. It's funny because we live in a small town and my W is very popular due to all of her church work. People constantly come up and tell me how wonderful they think she is. And to them, she is.
But of course they don't know the whole story.
It sounds to me like you're handling it well. I'm not so sure that you can't be detached and also feel it a bit if your XH marries someone else. I think detaching means detaching from our emotional dependence on our spouses...from our own addiction to them and the 'comfortable hell' we had both gotten used to, and pursuing them in an effort to put things back like they were before no matter the cost to ourselves and everyone involved.
There are good days and bad days. It seems that the bad days came right after I had posted.
I was mourning for the marriage that I had actually wanted. To a very big extent, I am still mourning for the marriage I feel I could still make work.
Like you, I come from a small community. To make matters worse, XH, OW and I all work in the same profession. And people in the community don't know the whole story. XH doesn't look like a WH but I do look like a WW.
How do you feel when ppl come up to you and talk about your wife? Do they know your current situation?
The funny thing is I will feel more than just a bit if the XH marries the OW, and not so much, if he marries another woman. Perhaps I am vindictive.
That's why I say I am not quite there yet with the detachment.
Last edited by Grlonfr; 10/18/1505:19 AM.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Not many know our situation...but I don't know who she's told.
Most of the people in the community who know her think she's a totally wonderful human being. Always coming up to me and telling me how much they love her.
Just went to a mandatory counselling session for divorced parents with young kids. It was a really somber session and there was this guy who was clearly gutted by his divorce. I felt so much for him.
This other guy next to me was also quite emotional but not as gutted as the other guy.
Ironically, the other women in the room, including me, were all rather composed. I wonder if just by looking at our reactions, one could tell who the WAS were and who the LBS were.
The counsellor probably thought that I was the WAS, judging from some of the comments that he made.
Though I was rather composed during the session, and participated quite well, I fell into a funk after the session. I guess the scenarios in the video clip that they showed us cut too close to the core. And I started feeling very very bad for what kid is going through again.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
But this is the thing isn't it? Different people see different sides of us. We almost always show the truest sides of us to our family and they aren't always the prettiest sides.
XH colleagues would never imagine that he is capable of AO, but hey, he really is. He shows one side to them and then he shows his family one side, and then kid and me another side. To his family, I look like the one who's prone to AO.
That is not to say that there isn't any truth to all his different facets.
I guess perhaps, that's how it is with your W? Perhaps she does believe in all the church work she has done, but she has somehow rationalised her actions at home? Maybe she needs this other side to keep herself sane, to distract her from whatever she's doing that's not in line with her religious beliefs?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
