I enter the intensive out-patient facility on the 18th, which will give me a huge head start on finally working on myself. I'm also doing bi-weekly sessions with my therapist (who is amazing) and will see a psychiatrist on Wednesday to finally try some anti-anxiety meds. I had put off meds for years as I never wanted to be "dependent" on a substance, yet I was an alcoholic at the same time! smh
I didn't get a text from H yesterday (except good morning one) and so finally around 7:00pm (10:00pm his time) I asked how his day was going. We exchanged a few pleasantries, then he said he would call me in 30 min.
Our conversation turned into the usual - how we are feeling that particular day about everything. He told me he felt like there was a war going on inside of him. One side is his mind, wanting to protect him from me, and telling him he'd be a fool to stay. The other is his heart which is telling him to stay because he's still deeply in love with me, and can't imagine living life without me as his wife. Hearing him say that gave me hope and honestly felt so good.
He then said that no matter what he would always be my friend, he would always be there to help me in any way he could, and that when he comes home from his trip he just needs to hold me all night because he misses me and is so sad.
So - that felt like his previous statement about his heart went out the door and that he knows he is going to go through with the divorce. I then made a huge mistake and said, "I think we both know where this is going..."
He agreed, which threw all hope out the window and I just got upset at that and said that I will start to look for places (to rent) so we can get the ball moving. Then we hung up and I had a meltdown. I sent him a long text (i know, another big mistake) telling him that I won't be selfish and stop him from having a better life, and that he can be glad to finally be rid of his "f*cked up wife." I know I shouldn't have done that, and rereading it later, it felt pathetic.
I'm in a very low place right now. Looking online for homes while my girls sleep in my bed with me was too much to handle (he doesn't want them to leave their home, so I will be living by myself).
Update - H just called right now and asked me to please wait on looking for a house, and to take a day off from all this drama. He told me to try to have a positive outlook and not to worry about anything right now. He also told me that he "can't stand the thought of losing" me and that he loves me. I'm afraid to get my hopes up, but it was what I needed to hear.
So I think the key everyone keeps pointing to is work on myself and remain friendly (regardless of how I feel) to H. I've read in other threads about looking good, exercising, etc. Does that apply to my case since I am the cheater and also the one who wants to work it out??? I already exercise 5x/week, but have nearly stopped since IDTB. I haven't been doing my hair/makeup, but not sure if any of that even matters since my case is slightly unique.
Thank you all for your support. Means so much.
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
Classic, your H does not sound like he's ready to completely give up. Don't change anything right now except you. He's struggling with his choice. Work on yourself and give him reason to hope!
Yes, look as nice as you can. It's great for your self-esteem. You've really had some struggles, and right now...let it be about you. You are in no position to make any decisions about your future. Your H is giving you time...take him up on it, and do what you need to do. Until you address your issues (remember, I struggle with similar challenges) your R will not have a fighting chance. You need to be in a good place mentally and emotionally, and it will take some work to get there.
You are so lucky your H obviously still cares for you. My issues with depression have all but killed my M. I'm working on it, but it takes time to rebuild trust. My situation is a bit different, but I can understand the toll depression takes on a marriage, particularly if it is untreated and leads to really bad decisions.
You're in a better place than you realize. Give yourself permission to take a time-out on working on your M and use that time to address YOU. You will never regret it. Your entire life will change for the better, that includes parenting, relationships, and how you feel about yourself.
Please forgive yourself, too. You're doing what you need to get a handle on your life now. Let the old stuff go and focus on the future. You can only go forward.
Then we hung up and I had a meltdown. I sent him a long text (i know, another big mistake) telling him that I won't be selfish and stop him from having a better life, and that he can be glad to finally be rid of his "f*cked up wife." I know I shouldn't have done that, and rereading it later, it felt pathetic.
You are right, it was a big mistake. You used that old female manipulation of wanting him to tell you that you're wrong and he won't be glad to finally be rid of his f*ucked up wife. Yes, it was you trying to get him to say what you wanted to hear. You wanted him to assure you. Well, here is a piece of reality. You are not the spouse who gets to be assured. You sc@wed up and you are the one who has to put on her big girl panties now. Stop saying things to him, trying to get him to assure you that he loves you and he'll stay with you.
I don't know a lot about some of the issues you have, but I know women! I know how we operate. So, you have to stop this pathetic behavior with your H. You are simply giving him more reason to want to be glad to get rid of you! Become a woman he would fight the demons of hell to have. You start by using solutions you are given, instead of just giving over to your feelings and then say, "I know, it was wrong....but", or "I know a mistake.....but".
You will have a lot of help from professionals, as well as from the board. You will be wise and get healthy if you cooperate. I am not fusing at you or picking on you, I will be very plain spoken with you. When you are acting pathetic, I'll tell you. When you need someone to understand from a WW's point of view, I'm your gal. I will be honest and I will try to help, but you have to help yourself. I am very pleased to see Lovethehub reply to your thread. She can be extremely helpful, if you will listen to her.
I am truly sorry for your childhood trama and all the bad things you were exposed to as a little girl. It sounds as if you will have several professionals working with you. Please stick with it and do this for yourself, your children, and all those who love you. Taking medication, at this point, should be the least of your worries.
The most common statement I here from newcomers is, "This is so hard!". Yes, it is. In your case, it may be harder than some others. I said I'd be honest, and I will. I believe you can do the necessary work and have a good future with your H. Hard? Most certainly. Possible! Most certainly.
Okay, so take a deep breath, get a hold of yourself, and be determined that you will stop emotionally pressuring your H. Right now, he still cares enough to want you to get healthy, and he has offered to be a friend. That is more than a lot of men would do. Do NOT take advantage of his offer of friendship. Friendship does not mean the same as "husband".
Start with this: 1) Do not initiate any contact with him. Let him contact you. 2). Do not ask him how he feels. It leads to relationship talk and that leads to worse.
Can you do these two things?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I can do these two things, but am worried he will think I don't care if I don't ever send a text or make a phone call. I will trust you on this, but it certainly feels intimidating.
If he asks me how I'm feeling, do I hide true emotions if I'm sad and just act like I'm fine? Wouldn't it seem insensitive to not ask him how he feels in return? Or did you just mean refrain from asking on my own (with no prompting from him)?
Not sure what you mean by friendship doesn't equal husband. If he wants to be close/kiss/etc., what's your advice on how to respond? I don't want to reject him, that would seem counterproductive. But I don't know.
I am grateful for your wisdom and advice.
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
I'm not Sandi, but I'm pretty confident about answering.
She means stops pursuing your H. Let him call or text you. If he does, answer, by all means.
Until you start your therapy - just tell him you're feeling hopeful every time he asks how you're feeling. Do what you can to portray positive. The goal is to make you look good! You want to show progress and make him doubt the wisdom of leaving. You can certainly ask about him, in return. Otherwise, it feels like pressure/pursuit.
Friendship doesn't equal husband based on the level of commitment. Follow his lead on this - you don't have to reject him, just don't be the one to start anything. You want to avoid coming across as needy and pressuring him to stay with you.
So, to make it simple - It's a dance. He leads. You follow.
I understand, and I hope you can trust this process. You are the one wanting to save the M, and at the moment, he's not sure he can go on with it. The only way to draw him closer, instead of pushing him away, is to not apply any emotional pressure.
He sounds like a good man, who feels obligation. So, it will be tempting for you to play on those obligations. For your own sake, don't remind him of his obligations, b/c he will resent you. You want this good man to want to stay in the M for one reason........b/c he loves the way a man loves a woman. Not out of duty, not out of sympathy, not out of guilt, but b/c he desires you above all others.
The advice you get may be very opposite from what your feelings tell you to do. It is b/c of those very feelings that you can't rely upon them to dictate what you should do. I really do understand more than you may realize, and I want to see you succeed.
As weird or unusual as this may seem, he does not need you initiating contacts throughout the day and/or night. He needs some space and time to clear his head, and most of all, to see this is not just your emotions talking. A person in his position tends to shut out what he is hearing from his W. Do not worry that he will think you don't care. At the present time, I don't think his issue is about you caring for him. It is more about him feeling betrayed. (Men are kind of like wounded animals when they are hurt, and they have to go off and be alone to heal. If you push, he will likely bite.) Seeing you repeatily going through these emotional upheavals has taken a toll over time. His mind and his own emotions need to rest a bit, okay? He needs to see you follow through with the professional care that is available.
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If he asks me how I'm feeling, do I hide true emotions if I'm sad and just act like I'm fine?
First of all, when he asks how you feel, he doesn't mean it how you take him to mean it. He is not inviting you to go over everything again, nor get into another relationship talk. Didn't you tell him how you felt? And one thing led to another until it ended badly.
Normally, we tell people to not show their sadness, worry, depression, and other negative feelings. In your case, and until your therapist gives you further advice, I think if your response should be a somber, "I feel very determined to do what is necessary to heal from my issues, and to become a much better person". (or something similar, just don't get too far off). You see, this does not say anything about who did what. It doesn't ask him what he's going to do, how he feels about the M, etc. You don't mention the MR.
Let him lead the conversation. Don't ask him ANYTHING about his feelings. Talk about the kids, the weather, what was done during the day, but do not mention his or your feelings.
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Wouldn't it seem insensitive to not ask him how he feels in return? Or did you just mean refrain from asking on my own (with no prompting from him)?
It would be insensitive if you did pry and ask about his feelings. Give the man breathing room. Yes, refrain from talking about anyone's feelings. But if he doesn't ask, do not say anything right now. You cannot smother him.
You do not have to jump around acting silly and giddy. He is aware of your problems. The best thing you can do is to work at staying calm. No hysterics, no threatening, no fits, no begging, etc. Just be calm. Stay away from relationship talks.
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Not sure what you mean by friendship doesn't equal husband. If he wants to be close/kiss/etc., what's your advice on how to respond? I don't want to reject him, that would seem counterproductive. But I don't know.
Anyone can be a friend. Only one person can be your husband. Him offering to be there as your friend is not the same thing as being there as your H. Do not take advantage of him being a friend to you, during this time. (I normally tell LBH'S not to accept being a WW's friend). Considering your situation, I want you to understand that if you try to manipulate him, you will loose.
No, of course do not reject him. The wayward is in no position to reject the betrayed spouse. Do not reject his friendship, either. You were the one who did wrong, and so you do not reject his friendship, if he chooses to give it. I am saying this for the sake of any other readers who may be, or was, the wayward spouse and is now wanting to save the M. one of the dynamic differences in men and women is that whenever a woman puts her H in the "friend zone" instead of desiring him as her H......it is hard for him to change her mind/feelings and see him as a desirable man. However, I think it's different when turned around. I believe, b/c of the makeup of a man, that he can change over from the friend status to lover, a lot easier........and faster.
You have a lot of information to learn. Don't get frantic. We are going to help you. Your doctors are going to help you. ((Klassic)) You can do this. You can make it.
Your situation is a little different from the majority of people here, and I don't want a passerby reader being confused by this advice. I am glad you asked, and please ask whenever I do not make myself clear.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What an incredible asset you are to this forum. Thank you for taking the time to leave such an in-depth response.
Everything you said makes sense. I get it now. I know I'm facing a long road ahead of me, but I'm confident I can do this now more than ever. Funny how hope can come in small, power-packed bursts just after thinking all is lost.
I wish I could print out these replies and tape them to my vanity. (NOT going to do that, lol, but sure would be nice to have easy access to them.) I think the best way to remember it is the dance analogy from above. He leads, I follow.
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
Wondering what everyone's opinion is on sex with a WAH. He still wants to, but is afraid he'll hurt me and give me false hope. Should I stay away or give in?
Super confused.
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
