Too much wrong now to do it right

[NDY]

Letting go of the fear is the hardest thing possible. It only happened to me when I realised that the final nail in my M had been hammered firmly in place. Acceptance of that is what motivated me to finally let go of both the M and the fear. That's when the plan kicked in. I didn't want to do it at first, who does but there comes a point where you just let go. You will be ok. You may not believe it now but you will.

[ATPeace]

I think what has been said is helping me to come to terms with it the nails are going in and this is painful but I am trying to accept it

So my W clearly feels and believe I was abusive and controlling and perhaps to some degree I was do I even bother to try to speak to her about this I am guessing no but feel I want to try to find out why she has got this way of thinking

[NDY]

Ghost. There is a saying in here that I know you have heard before. "Believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do". There is a reason for that. They will re write history so that it's all your fault. The 'talk' won't help. It'll just make matters worse. There is nothing wrong with self examination and you are encouraged to do so but stay away from the talks with your W.

[ATPeace]

Ndy I am starting to accept that my m is ove completely I have been fighting for it and not watntig to let go

Yes I have fear but I will be ok

I know she is using this book to try to justify everything that was ever wrong with our marriage

I am not quite sure how she can even look at me or even want to spend any time with me if things were so bad yet she will spend time watching Tv we will talk we coparent well

She firmly believes I was abusive and controlling

[gonegrl]

Ghost, my H thinks I was emotionally abusive to him and to his mother. I realized that it is his way of failing to take responsibility for his own actions. It is much easier to play victim, and put all the blame on someone else than to honestly look at his own role in our problems and work on himself. It is sad and it is not something I want my children modeling.

I read somewhere, maybe here, that every spouse can make a claim of emotional abuse in some way or another if they try hard enough.

[Vapo]

Ghost,

again you go with mind reading... You really should stop that. You do not know what your W thinks and frankly it is none of your business.

[NDY]

G

Vapo is right. We all are. Every WAS seems to blame the LBS for their failings and their action. Although the there may well be a degree of truth you will never know for sure, so drop it. It's not helping.

[ATPeace]

Ok so ghost is now worried

Having seen the book that my W has been reading and the pages and pages that she has underlined her feeling that I was controlling and abusive to her and our children I am now extremely worried that she will not play fair when it comes to the divorce

She had said that she would give me 50/50 custody and only want half the value of the house does anyone know if she has the right to even say this is it her decision how much access I get and how much of the house she gets

I thought that the reasons for her leaving was me not doing enough arround the house and with the kids and me not showing her enough love and her time now she has labeled EVERYTHING that I ever did in the marriage as abuse

If I told the kids off I was abusing them. If we argued I was abusive if I said we could end not go out it was controlling if the kids fight as siblings do it wa because they have seen mummy and daddy arguing and me being abusinve and that is why they are fighting
If my sons homework was not done it was because I was at fault

If my son ate junk food I was being abusive
[censored] hell everything is now abusive behaviour

If if I asked to make love or tried to initiate making love that was rape or assault

I am extremely worried this will get very bitter

Ghost

[Sotto]

I would say - quit with the worrying. Keep calm, engage your L and take it from there. I have sat back and let my H inititate the whole time and I just respond. That's all you need to do.

The worrying is yours to own and work on as you know. Don't build it into a picture of what your W 'may do.' It starts to become real - but it is actually just thoughts.

Take care my friend xx

[sandi2]

I read somewhere, maybe here, that every spouse can make a claim of emotional abuse in some way or another if they try hard enough.

I agree, and based on what Ghost has written, I have the impression that his W has claimed abuse whenever she didn't like the way things went. And, b/c his W says it, then Ghost automatically agrees that it must be true!