Feet on the ground, head in the sky

[HaWho]

I haven't posted in a few days but I have been busy looking inward. As I look for my True North, I see a lot of problem areas that need repairs.

I am starting with some obvious changes. I have to start giving my sons more chores. They already do some, but not enough. I am turning into Cinderella over here and I am doing them no favors either. They can and should do more. It will be WWWIII when I institute the changes.

Here is another problem area that is all me. S12 is in middle school and starting to have more homework/tests. He is trying to learn how to study, both in time and manner. I am getting too involved. I feel it physically and it is not healthy. He is trying to set boundaries on me "mom, calm down, I have it." I know where this comes from; drum roll please: my childhood. I needed to work my tail off to get out of my dysfunctional home and also I think it was an escape from surroundings. I need to separate my experience from my son's.

As I dig deeper into times I have certain emotions I see lots of places that need improvement. Places where I have poor coping skills/an inability to push back that which is not mine.

I am keeping busy reading and hiking. I found a new, very steep trail down to this beach. It's a good workout and gives me lots of time to think.

I did spin a bit today. One week ago I set my boundary with H and he is pretty much ignoring me. I am dim. It is lonely considering we live in the same house. He is back to his closed door, playing music.

He did a few small chores making it obvious to me and I validated. Days ago he texted my son and asked him to ask me if he wanted me to grab him sushi. S12 told him I was not home as I was out on a hike. That is his testing. He does not text me asking me if I want sushi. He tests it with S12.

We had one text conversation initiated by him. He told me something financial he took care of non-kid related. I know the routine now. I validate and say "thank you for all that you take care of." He said "likewise." Hmm.

I am staying out of his way, trying not to interfere. Things just feel so broken all around. During the spinning today, I worried that he would think I was giving up on him/us. I worried about the mistake I made by initially accepting that letter and how much that has cost me. How different it would be if I had taken time to process that. Mostly, I just think I have more grit for these kinds of things. I am willing to accept my errors/admit wrongs and work through those. But every time something gets hard he runs and hides. Too much pressure, I know. He is so stubborn I don't see him reaching out in this push/pull dance. It has always been me who breaks down first.

[job]

HaWho,
He is like a stubborn child. You have to allow him to stew in his own juices. Do not fix this for him. He's the one that is acting like a PIA and he is the one that needs to act like a grown up. Continue as you have been. He's pushing your buttons and knows that you will eventually cave and make the first move...Don't do it! It's time to change the way that you interact w/him. It's time for him to see that the old you has changed and there's a new you in town.

Continue to validate...but leave him in his room w/the door shut. Think of him as a child who is having a temper tantrum because you took his favorite toy away because he wasn't playing nice. Trust me, he will get over it and come out acting like nothing ever happened. Stay the course.

I'm glad you found a new trail to hike. Keep up the good work!

[HaWho]

Thank you Job for the pep talk!! So the spinning passed. I recognized the urge to initiate contact, any contact. I looked at where that was coming from and then got busy elsewhere. I watched a movie w/s10.

This am, I did some chores and then wrote lists for my sons on the chores they needed to do. S10 looked at the list and made one mild wise crack remark but S12 fought hard. He tried guilting me and whining his way out of it. I made them breakfast, completed a few tasks, grabbed my running shoes and hit my hike. I calmly told them that the lists needed to be completed by my return. And they did it! When I returned, S12, in front of me, offered to give the dog water and asked S10 to take out the garbage (neither was on the list). I recognize this behavior! He is growing up and I pray that somehow he completes this task in these teenage years. I need to help him do so. I validate him on doing additional chores as I know he is trying to earn a gold star after his nasty attitude over having to do chores.

Driving to sons' games H cracks a joke--out of the blue. I crack one back and sneak a glance--he is smiling. He waits for me as I am getting out of the car. He sits with me this week--but with headphones in!!! Later he takes off headphones. Then as we go to sit for the next game, he steps out of the way and let's me go first. He cracks another joke. He is laying on the charm.

Job- you are right. He came out and is acting as if absolutely nothing happened! In fact, last night he sent me another song he wrote, right around the time I was spinning, wanting to go and fix it all. But I stopped myself. I heard Job's advice and I replayed the letter in my mind and logically, I knew this was not my issue to fix. By smoothing it all over, all I was doing was laying myself down to be the doormat.

Anyway Job, I am going to take you to Vegas and make some money off your calls!

I see the cycle now, clearly. I don't want to be lifted into his vortex again. I need way more time to figure out how to stop this cycle. I know now that I have to make the changes first. I know when emotions start to take over, I must walk away calmly and try to figure out what is going on from a logical, not an emotional basis. I do not trust my first reaction anymore.

I continue to do a lot of reading and thinking on all of this and there is so much I am figuring out about myself and my reactive nature. I need to grow up, too.

[mleigh4]

Oh Hawho, I relate to you so much.

One of the biggest lessons I learned was to process before reacting. I love this change in myself and I can see you are doing the same. It really makes a huge difference and I have realized my processed reaction tends to be a lot different than my initial reaction. Or even no reaction at all and just letting it ride itself out!

I also am bad at implementing chores with my son. This year I have started some new rules and my son also whined at first, but now does them without reminders. I plan on adding a few each year as he gets older, it's good for them. It teaches them not only how to take care of themselves but to learn responsibility, very important in the real world.

You are doing great, I am glad you followed Jobs advice. Hope you are having a good weekend

[HaWho]

Struggling with the whole concept of moving between attaching and then detaching but still loving.

Saturday evening after dinner, H showered and then came out to say he was going to a movie. Of course, as soon as I heard the shower run I knew something was coming. I nodded and stayed quiet. I was reading and just went back to my book.

I did spin a bit. Sound of the shower always reminds me of heavy replay days and the way he just announced he is leaving as he is out the door made me really angry. That too reminded me of the selfish days of replay.

But, it is also just rude of him to just presume that he has a live-in person to care for the kids so he can come and go as he pleases.

In the AM I went out on my hike while he was in the shower. That hike is my new therapy. As I am returning he texts saying he is on a quick walk and asks if I need anything at the store. I wait a while and then answer "no thanks." I want to detach from this nonsense too. The whole: I just leave to see my movie with no advance notice and then try to make up for it by buying you a gallon of milk.

I return from my hike, make breakfast for me and the kids. As I am finishing up, H comes in. I say "hi" and then boys and I have breakfast. H starts to make his own breakfast. He seems to be rushing to finish in time to sit with us. I ask boys to finish up as we need to walk the dog before their games.

My point is, I felt too detached today. But maybe this is normal? I just see that H wants to live here, close his door, play his music, go to his movies etc. I know this is all par for the MLC course. But it is so dysfunctional for a family unit to operate this way. And it is not healthy for me to get too involved/attached to all this.

I was cordial if he initiated conversation but I was a bit distant. Otherwise I just stayed quiet. I could sense he was frustrated by it. But my H is a teenager right now and though he has glimpses of clarity, I would rather keep him at arm's length.

I know I am more aloof than detached because I felt emotional attachment from his just up and leaving Saturday. But a big part of me just didn't care that I was being quiet/coming off as aloof. Is that normal? I just can't figure out how to detach more, still love, attach at times and then detach when need be.

I think I do this better with S12. I know he is a teenager and I cannot expect too much there. So maybe I am unable to fully detach from H because I still have expectations of H to be a well adjusted adult? Maybe I should imagine H as S12.

[LouR]

Hi HaWho

I can only imagine how incredibly hard it is having your h living at home whilst going through a MLC, I think you are truly amazing, really I do. Your patience and ability to let this run its course without giving up is testament to your strength and commitment to your m.

Being in the opposite situation from you I have no wise words of advice, but just wanted you to know I am supporting from the back row cheering you along and wishing you find happiness in whatever form that takes.

((hugs)) to you my friend.

[HaWho]

Thanks LouR. I appreciate the pep talk. Job- if you have any direction here, I sure could use it.

As now I am truly focusing on me, there are other in-house ropess I have cut. I don't reach out to him unless it is about the kids and really necessary. I don't go to his room anymore to say goodnight or to catch up with him. I don't bake for him anymore. This one feels really weird as he is a foodie. I don't make his breakfast.

It feels severe, but then I ask myself: is he meeting any on my personal likings? Does he come to my room and ask how my day was? No and he does not seem appear to struggle over this. Also, he has said again that he wants to be friends/like brother and sister (weird!). So, to do any of this stuff for him feels like I am courting him. But not doing any of it makes me feel too detached.

It also just feels odd because he earns significantly more than me. So, if feels like I am not pulling my weight. But, how/why should I do this stuff if we are not in an R? It would feel like I was trying to rekindle romance.

[job]

Think of your situation this way...you and a roommate are sharing a home together...would you go in and clean up his/her room? Would you be cooking, running errands for that person, etc.? A roommate can earn more than yourself, i.e., just like your h.

You've come a long way and you need to stick to your path. When he sees that you are doing okay and living your life for you and your children and not putting the focus on him, he'll begin to feel the loss. He can't miss you if you are doing things for him. He's a big boy and he can take care of himself. If he wants to reach out to you, he will, but from where I'm sitting, he looks to you as a mother, not a wife. Just remember...he fired you as his wife a while ago.

Stay the course.

[HaWho]

Thank you Job. Yes, that logic all makes sense.

I do so feel like he wants a mother, not a wife. I have felt that for so very long. In fact when the kids were young, instead of us both rolling up our sleeves, he wanted me take care of him, too. Of course there is a certain doting a wife does on her husband but H's still help with child rearing. That is when the scales became so lopsided. I believe seeing my older son hit a certain young age may have been a trigger for him to go back and get nurtured properly. Just a theory.

The stupid stunt he pulled Saturday really reinforced it for me. I felt like my oldest teenage son (my H) was going out and I was a single mom taking care of the two young ones.

I must say that, for the first time in a long time, I am learning how to take care of me again. I feel I am setting a much healthier example for my boys too.

[mleigh4]

I lived in the same house as H a total of 12,months out of the 26 months this has been going on. Aside from the initial BD, that time was by far the most painful for me and the biggest time of my struggles. Having his MLC in your face and effecting your day to day life is extremely difficult.

I don't have advice because I was not able to handle it well. I remember too well those days of H taking a shower and knowing that he was going out and leaving me to take care of S with no regard, it infuriated me. Then I would get the midnight text that he was waiting to drive because he drank, or not coming home at all. It was horrible, I feel your pain.

I too was told to treat him like a roommate with no expectations. It is hard to think of your H that way, but I don't see any other way around it. I remember Raine lived with her H most of the MLC, maybe her posts might help?