We have to look at it from the perspective of the recipient. I am a big muscular guy, former athlete (not pro like you) but big and strong. My wife is a cute little 5'1" little lady. All I saw was me expressing my hurt at what she did to me, and her trying to ignore me for doing it. What she saw was a much bigger, stronger man acting in a manner she perceived as intimidating and threatening.
The way I see it, as the bigger, stronger person as well as being the man, I should be using everything in my toolbox to create a soft, loving space for her where she feels protected and loved. And I have to do that even if she doesn't want to be in it right now.
tl2, I think you've captured the gist of my sitch.
I commend you for the effort you've put in because when I compare your sitch to mine, I realise that you have really really done a lot of painful self-reflection to be where you are now. I really wish your wife will be able to see the effort that you're putting in.
I am also about your wife's height, and what you are describing is exactly what I felt. My XH is taller and bigger than me, and the fear that he might just cross the line is there. I know that when he's normal and not angry, he's not a bad guy. But when he snaps, I don't know how close to the line he is going to be, or if he is going to cross it.
And it's the eyes. When he snaps, I can see it in his eyes that he's gone beyond a place where reason or anyone else can reach him.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Ive read on here many times, that being in an affair is very similar to being on drugs. The same "pleasure centers" in the brain are activated. The same responses to "help". And so on.
While someone is getting high regularly, what happens to the concerned people that try to help? They get shut out. They get abandoned. They become the ENEMY. Right now, thats YOU. There is nothing you can do to change him.
But. That doesnt mean that he has no reason to change. Eventually, the high runs out. Eventually, he will hit bottom. The real question is how much damage is he going to do on the way down? And will you still be there to pick him up?
Girlonf, let me ask you a hard question. Why do you want to R with your H? Beyond "I love him," because sometimes that's not enough. Is he kind and caring? A good father? A good provider? What is it about him that makes you want to be with him, to salvage this? Are there other things involved? Embarrassment? Fear? A sense of failure?
No one is perfect, not you, not me, not my STBX, not your H. But I look at your sich and see a man prone to violent outbursts, who blames you for causing them, who calls you a prostitute, who scares the bejeebers out of your child, and I wonder why you don't just cut and run. I'm not saying you should, mind you, this is a marriage saving site and I firmly believe in marriage and overcoming difficulties. I'm just wondering what's there that's worth saving.
Why did you marry him? There were good things. Tell me what they were.
Other than the humble pies, I have also been taking a lot of chill pills. After the D/ 2nd outburst/ OW, I realised that things probably may not get much worse. I have become pessimistic optimist? Or optimistic pessimist?
I realised that I really must start following Michele's advice of treating your family with the respect that you would treat a stranger with. Not quite what I grew up with (we've got v loud voices on both sides of the family), but it's never too late to change, is it?
On the GAL front, I have been really busy. I have been taking care of my fitness, my health, changing my wardrobe (had to cos of my weight loss), going to church, reading, going to the movies, hanging out with my girlfriends, learning new hobbies etc etc.
Every day, I do a mental and emotional review of the day and see what it is that I could have done better. I am more aware of my interactions with those around me; I realise that their perceptions of me and my actions can be very different from my own.
And every day and night, the serenity prayer...
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
zues, I can see your point about the spouse being as important as the kids in a marriage. Which I don't disagree with. But when it comes to safety, I will definitely have to put my kid's safety before my spouse. My spouse is perfectly capable of protecting himself, whether he snaps or not. My kid has only me for protection.
My XH is not a bad person. Trust me, I was in a lot of pain before I made the decision to file, and I still am in pain. I can only hope that the pain will eventually fade with time. On the one hand, I know that XH is not a bad person. Not perfect definitely, but he was not a bad man doing a bad thing. But a good man doing a bad thing can be as dangerous as a bad man doing a bad thing, if the good man doesn't ever realise what he's doing.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
With pple like these around him, there is no impetus for him to ever want to change.
You mean to change quickly.
Change will come given enough time.
Most affairs burn out.
There seems to be trouble in paradise. It appears that OW has given him pressure/ ultimatums too. But OW knows everything that I have done wrong in the marriage, and she is a smart woman. Me, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and put my foot in mouth. All the wrong body parts at all the wrong places!
I don't dare to harbour any hope about him changing. It seems that after the first outburst, nothing has changed. For me, I tried to do everything by myself so that I won't have to bother him but turns out that that didn't work too. For him to want to change, he has to realise that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and that his part of the communication dynamics has to change as well.
Just recently, XH, kid and I were having dinner together. Kid was playing around with and not finishing the food on the plate. I chided Kid, " Hey you cheaterbug, I saw that! You pushed the food around to make it seem like you've eaten more than what you had."
XH tensed and for a moment, I froze, before I realised what part of the conversation he was reacting to. It was an "Oh Cr@p!" moment but thank goodness we were in public.
So here's the reality now, not only is he angry with me for provoking him, he is also angry with me for causing the affair. And it's unintentional things/comments like that annoys him. He allows them to fester in him before he blows up.
For the M to work the second time round, we really have to find ways not to have to walk on eggshells around each other.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
yes Azzwork, I have realised very early on that there really is nothing I can do to help him. There is nothing now that I can do for the exM but to wait for him to pick up the rope.
But the problem now is I am second-guessing myself. By now, I am feeling rather tired. At the risk of sounding annoying, I am starting to wonder what it is that I want for myself at this point.
Prior to the D, I tried my best to do what I could for a second chance for the M. Because I am stubborn that way. Which was one of his major complaints. Ha! The irony didn't escape me, but it did escape him.
Which leads me to Sunny's question....
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Hi Sunny, tough question. You're not the only one who has been asking me this. My C has been asking me this as well, even though she is pro-marriage.
For the record, I can't really say that there is a lot, if any love, left. But there are some feelings left about the M, and even then, they seem to be running out.
XH has the tendency to mouth off the meanest things when he's angry. Btw the two of us, I am the more verbal one, and it seems that this is one of the tactics he resorts to when he feels aggrieved. He really knows what to say to hurt me. Then again, I can give it back to him as well, although I don't make personal attacks like that.
I guess when we decided to marry, we were still high on the euphoria of being in love. I opened up to him warts and all and he didn't run, so I thought he was a keeper. And while I knew that he could be impatient, there was no indication that he could snap like that.
Throughout the marriage, there were many times when I felt hurt by his reactions towards what I thought was part and parcel of life. He couldn't deal with the inconvenient parts in life, so I dealt with them as best as I could on my own.
In his own way, perhaps to the best that he could, he did try to make life easier for me as well. When we travelled with the extended family, he would suggest places that he knew that I liked. He would also suggest that I take my family out for trips as well. He was considerate towards my parents, and he chauffeured us around a lot.
I am a very light sleeper, and he avoided using the flush at night because the noisy plumbing would wake me up.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
And I guess I didn't make this part clear. There are only 2 outbursts in our marriage. But, and this is a big but, the family has a tendency to walk on eggshells around XH.
We couldn't say anything remotely critical or comparative or XH would be unhappy. A conversation about someone else's promotion or new car/ house becomes a slight about his ability. A family member comments about his driving being jerky and someone else has to step in quickly to change the subject.
All these things can light his fuse. He won't go on a rampage but he will be amgry. The problem is you can't really tell when and what something would affect him and to what extent.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
