Cole - It's easy to look back and see where we messed up and see how to do things better. There's no point in beating yourself up over it. You did what you thought was best at the time. You didn't have the tools to be a successful partner then. If you tried to build a house without using nails and it fell apart would you blame yourself and your skill? No, you blame it on a lack of know how and a lack of tools. Now you know, now you have the tools to do better next time.
As for the letter, I wouldn't do it. I don't think it will accomplish what you hope. You can write it to get the words out, but I don't think you should give it to her.
Marriage is for better_____fill in the blank. Yeas you had a part in this. But if you were depressed and got fat those are no reasons for an EA and divorce.
Believe none of what they say and half of what you see.
Write no letter at this time.
Instead look good look happy go out and have a blasts. Hard to do at 1st but worth it.
My friend you need to put yourself back together. Step 1
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
If you apologized already no need to do it again. She knows how you feel. She Knows you dont want a divorce. What she doesnt know is if she would return to the M would any of your changes continue. What she also knows is that she wants a man who is in control of himself (not controlling). Strong and confident. Is that you right now?
Dont get me wrong I know very well how you feel. Lost scared hurt..That is why we are told to GAL. It is very important. Post often it really helped me in getting through this.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
My wife is acting suspicious today. A lot of typing on her phone. She had asked to go to the driving range by herself. It's hard not to think she planning to meet up with the OM. Not sure how to handle this. Logically, I feel Like I should just ignore it. Emotionally, I want to confront her and call her out on it. Maybe it is time to issue some kind of ultimatum even though I'm sure that would simply expedite her running off with the OM
Last edited by Cole_; 10/10/1505:54 PM.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
She did ask but it was more of a "Weather looks great today. I'd really love to go to the driving range while I still can. Do you mind if I go?".
My response was that she knew where I stood and I wasn't going to make decisions for her. Perhaps that was the wrong response, but it felt right at the time. Especially if im trying to use the LRT. I have no interest in controlling her. She needs to make her own decisions and demonstrate her commitment or non commitment to our marriage. Of course the longer this plays out, the more it seems her mind is made up to leave us for the OM.
We have one more joint counseling session before our therapist sees us one-on-one. I'm curious to see what happens from that and what our therapist has to say about the OM and her seemingly continued contact. While our therapist did say the NC was recommended, she generally appears to ignore or avoid the EA and has said nothing about my wife locking down her privacy rather than open it up. In fact, to some extent, she almost seemed to support the move or at least validate it. Maybe it's just an attempt to get my wife comfortable or maybe I'm misinterpreting things. I'll find out more over the next two weeks of counseling is going to be worth anything.
Last edited by Cole_; 10/10/1506:47 PM.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
Also, in regards to GAL, how do I do that without impacting our kids, or appearing that I'm less involved with them? One of her complaints was that I didn't help with the kids and if I leave the kids with her to do things on the weekend, doesn't that reinforce her perception of me? I've been scheduling things to do with the kids on the weekend, but she always manages to come along and it becomes a family thing. The kids always want the two of us and she's been unwilling to say no to our oldest.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
