I, too, will miss you, my friend. Be well. Looking forward to an update sometime in the near future
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Hi everyone, I am done for the day and wanted to touch base with all of you, see how your doing and share my latest faux pa. The last few days have been quiet here. My wife did not talk much more but has seemed more relaxed, until tonight.
She got home from work about 7:30 and grabbed some leftovers to eat out of the frig. The kids and I gave up waiting for her to eat dinner months ago. This weekend is parents weekend at my daughters college in Boston and she was telling me what we need to do to prepare. She was relaxed and chatty. At one point she asked me a question and I paused to ponder the correct choice of action. She must have thought I was not listening and asked again. That's where I blew it. I responded "I heard you honey, I am just thinking it through". The second the word "honey" came out of my mouth I knew it was a mistake. She shut down, stopped talking and quietly finished her meal. After dinner she spoke with my son, ignoring me and went to her room where she is now.
I know one thing, I am not going to apologize to my wife for calling her "honey". I am so disappointed in the state of my marriage. She must be so far down the rabbit hole that she can't see daylight. I won't give up on her but I am not sure she will ever want me in her life again.
You're assuming it was the "honey" that did it. What if it was the "I heard you"?
Is she sensitive to perceived criticism? In my opinion, either way, her response was an overreaction. It's such a shame you can't discuss it. That entire scenario irritates me. Sorry. But really! Close down and shut off because you heard something you didn't like? Is she five?
You have got to be the world's most patient man, Mutatio. I am in awe of how you quietly and supportively stand, day after day.
It wasn't a great response but I was focusing on the solution to the problem. I guess I was comfortable with her and not up tight about the dialog. I can't worry about every word I speak, I can't live like that.... sigh.
No, my friend, you cannot worry about every word you speak. There was NOTHING WRONG with anything you said to begin with. This is all about her.
Has she always been something of a prima-donna, or is this new since her A?
I'm sorry if I sound annoyed. I guess because I am, a little. Here you are, one of the kindest, most patient gentlemen on earth, and your W is rude or dismissive. As a fellow LBS, I take umbrage at her treatment of you.
Forgive me, please. I seem to be annoyed with every WS in the world right now. LOL
I wouldn't worry about your comment too much. It happened,it's done and over. She could have reacted that way for any reason. Also important to remember their behavior isn't always about us or intentionally done to hurt us even it it looks that way. The reason people act out is usually more about what's going on with them than the person their reacting to.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Mutatio, I think you actually stated that well, and anyone else in the world would not have taken any offense. When my W is in a negative mood towards me, anything and everything is wrong. I once told W that I felt like if I handed her a chocolate bar, she would be mad that it had nuts. Or if it didnt, she would be mad that it didn't. She responded "no, I'd be mad that you gave me a chocolate bar." Meaning, whatever you do is wrong.
I hope for you, and all of us here, that it will pass and things improve for you soon!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
You never know what triggered her Mutatio, and while we beat ourselves up for one thing, it's often quite another that really set her off.
Keep DB'ing and doing the best you can in these tough circumstances. I'm sorry to read you may be taking some time away, but you will be in my thoughts.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
mutatio, that was odd and as the others have said, you are mind reading it may not be for the reason you think, so it's best to stop thinking about it because you'll never get an answer.
Apply Sandi2's rule, don't believe (or take personally) 100% of way she says and 50% of what she does...I added the bit in brackets which is bold given its such a boiler plate standard rule but I fully believe it applies.
When was the last time you looked at your goals and is your plan in good shape? If not, is now the time to review them?
I am finding the phrase "consult your plan not your feelings" as really powerful at the moment, give it a try.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
