"Here is another question - given my W's mental state and her seemingly need for attention and acceptance, does the whole detaching and not showing attention and the like just validate her feelings of moving on?"
Detaching is for you, E.
Who knows what your w is thinking. I'm sure she is a roller-coaster of highs and lows. I remember in my sitch, I was SUPER paranoid and was hyper-vigilant as to what I said or didn't say.
I was worried she would think I didn't care by going no-contact. I looked for reasons to justify reaching out to her. The vets here kept me straight and held me accountable. I listened and didn't waiver.
It's ok to show some attention if she is still in the home. Just do it from a place of detachment, don't do it expecting a reaction or for her to suddenly snap to her senses. Make sense? If she is the type that needs attention and validation, do you plan on doing that if she divorces you? Maybe she needs to feel a sense of loss. Get busy doing things, make her wonder why your life seems so fresh and exciting.
The key is to be ok with you. Before you can be ok with her.
Regarding validation, you are not validating her leaving. You are validating her FEELINGS that she is hurt and confused. Don't confuse the two.
And the anniversary thing, don't look into that. Think of your w as being temporarily abducted by aliens. They brainwashed her (fog) and it's going to take some time for her to find her way out. And remember, you can't help her find her way out. But you can keep the front porch light on for her.
Thank you, Thornton. I don't know what I would do if it weren't for your help. You are helping me to right this seemingly un-rightable ship.
Quote:
Detaching is for you, E.
I know. And it is helping me to not have so many nutty moments. I just get so worried at times that by my detaching and acting as if "OK, do whatever you want" will give her mind a green light.
Some days are much much harder. I am really working on being OK with me. That I know I have to get in order first. My counselor has been a great help so far - I like going to her because she asks the tough questions and explains things better than any other has so far, and she also doesn't let me off easy, either. Sometimes I need that kick in the arse.
Quote:
And the anniversary thing, don't look into that. Think of your w as being temporarily abducted by aliens. They brainwashed her (fog) and it's going to take some time for her to find her way out. And remember, you can't help her find her way out. But you can keep the front porch light on for her.
Great analogy, sir. I try to be that front porch light and I feel that I really have made a lot of progress returning to where I was before. I want to think that maybe one day she will notice. But, what is the best way to be the front porch light while being detached and practicing DBing?
Yesterday she had off for the holiday, so she asked if we could do some stuff together. It was a nice day. We went out for lunch and did some shopping and also a bit around the house. I kept all relationship stuff out of it. Just a really nice day. We never did have any talk to sort stuff out as I posted about earlier - guess it never came up or she was just enjoying things. She did make it a point to really talk about the house and what she wants to do with it - although earlier she had said that if we do D, then I could stay in the house. I have to learn to not read into things!
Thank you again for your time and help!
Last edited by Evil_E; 10/13/1503:58 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Also, what are your biggest fears besides losing your wife? Or growing old alone?
That is a very, very tough question. I have done some serious soul searching lately and always come to the same conclusion - my biggest fear is losing her. You see, for 10 years (married 7) she has been my best friend, lover, confidant...everything that a "soul mate" is supposed to be. That's one reason why I am still having such a hard time about all this. Last night in the midst of cleaning I found the anniversary card she gave me last year and I almost broke down because it was one of the most loving things I have ever read - and now to turn around and be in this position really less than a year later.
I am not afraid of growing old alone, but I AM afraid of growing old without her. If that makes sense.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
What do you guys do when the W's family and friends are telling she is better off?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Also, you didn't answer my question. What are your fears besides losing your wife?
Guess I didn't, eh? First and foremost are the children. I am really scared as to how they will react. And, quite honestly, I can't imagine not being able to put them to bed and get them up every day. They are my everything. They think that we love each other - my son says that all the time. When he asks things like why the W doesn't sleep in the same bed, it just breaks my heart. I'm afraid that she may try to take them. I'm afraid that she decide she wants more than 50/50 (if we D). I'm afraid of all that and more.
I am also afraid of losing my best friend. Not only was she my wife, but also my best friend. Now, we are just regaining the friendship that I never knew had a problem.
Those are my biggest, but there are other, smaller ones floating around.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I was referring to fears that you can tackle to help give yourself a confidence boost. Scared of heights? Skydive. Scared of swimming in the ocean? Learn to scuba.
These are things that will better YOU. And a better YOU, means you will be a better father, and husband.
Doing these things also brings a sense of adventure to your life. And I don't know anyone who isn't in someway drawn towards someone adventurous.
Someone I really admire is Bear Grylls. The guy is fearless. But he's also humble and down to earth. He exudes confidence and people gravitate towards him.
If your wife was to ask you what you had planned for the day as you were walking out the door and you said "I'm skydiving today". And then you walked back in the door a few hours later with wind blown hair and this new sense of confidence and excitement. Do you think that would make her wonder about you?
Perhaps you are stuck in a routine with her. You spend your day shopping with her and listen as she talks about what she wants to do with the house.
What if you were to say "I can't hang out today. My scuba lesson starts at 2". What would happen?
Honestly, I have never thought of that. Thank you again, sir! You have been a friend when I needed it most. Some great ideas you have and will come up with something. You are right about the rut thing. Maybe its time to shake the tree.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
