Hi Ghost, perhaps a way to start working on the fear is to do some stuff in your own company and get to know yourself more?
People have posted on the forum before about how worried they were about life after separation. But if you go about it the right way, it can be pretty nice. I can recall one guy posting that he feared he would be stuck alone in a horrid flat, tearful and lonely. But actually, he lives in a nice place, enjoys cooking for himself, has a good social life, some new chums and life is good. So, I guess what I want to say is - you being alone - if that's how things turn out - will be what you make it. That is all within your gift.
For me, living alone has meant many new things. A nice flat, being closer to my parents, new colleagues, a new yoga class, some new female friends, some volunteering, a new aqua class and book club, a new social group....It is different and takes some adjustment, but there are many good things that life has to offer for someone who has separated from their spouse.
Hope this helps Ghost. You are still spinning sometimes, but I think you are making steady progress despite the spins - you'll get there my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
- Watch what you wear please remember the 80's are over. - don't push yourself too hard, let your body adjust and get used to exercise. - be strict on techniques, get the movement right before loading weights on. - Work under the supervision of an instructor - if in doubt do more cardio, no matter how much muscle you pile up it will not be seen under flab. -Watch what you eat now. Don't think that because you are exercising you can be more generous. NO.
Next step... recommendation from a female friend... change your hairstyle to something more trendy. These are picked up on really quickly. If she says something nice say thanks and leave it at that. No reasons or explanations. You just felt like it.
next step.. change your aftershave.. i always prefer chanel but hey each person's taste is different.
Next step..buy long boxers. If you are overweight chances are you have wide legs and youll see what I mean after an hour on the treadmill.
Remember it is not about pushing too hard too soon. You need to build up, to enjoy the new activites and get used to them.
If you keep this up you will have to change your name to Action man...:)
I went to the gym pushed myself hard and felt good at the end
Tomorrow is dance class never done this before and I really do have two left feet so will be interesting.
Going to push myself right outside my comfort zone,
Azzork I have a fear of being alone can you help me with a small goal to start working in this fear
Thanks
Ghost
My guess is that your fear of being alone is in a personal level and not related to parenting, yes? If so - for the next month, my thoughts:
- go out to dinner alone twice. Take a book. Sit for at least 60 minutes at the table. - go to the movies alone - do something for you. A massage, a haircut, buy a new shirt. Whatever. Don't tell your W. - buy some new aftershave/cologne/hairspray/whatever. Wear it any time you leave the house. - lose 2 kilos. Healthily. - buy a present for each child. Spend no more than 5 pounds each. Don't say why. - go to 2 different meetup-type activities. Introduce uourself to everyone there (or at least 10 people). Shake their hand. - arrange one extra meeting with someone you met at one of these groups. And I don't mean returning to the same meetup the next week/month.
My guess is that your fear of being alone is in a personal level and not related to parenting, yes? If so - for the next month, my thoughts:
Do you know I really do not know yes I would say a personal level I guess my M has meant that I have always had someone else to make decisions with when I am on my own I will have to make the decisions myself no conferring I feel I can look after the kids just fine my eldest daughter and I are not very close so there is every possibility that she will not want to stay at my house often if at all ....my two boys do not really get on that well together they can but often they fight and then the baby toddler she is great fun to be arround
- go out to dinner alone twice. Take a book. Sit for at least 60 minutes at the table. - go to the movies alone - do something for you. A massage, a haircut, buy a new shirt. Whatever. Don't tell your W. - buy some new aftershave/cologne/hairspray/whatever. Wear it any time you leave the house. - lose 2 kilos. Healthily. - buy a present for each child. Spend no more than 5 pounds each. Don't say why. - go to 2 different meetup-type activities. Introduce uourself to everyone there (or at least 10 people). Shake their hand. - arrange one extra meeting with someone you met at one of these groups. And I don't mean returning to the same meetup the next week/month.
How about those? Can you do that in a month? [/quote]
I see no reason why I cannot do all of the above
I wear my hair cut as a number one all over it was thinning and it looks much better short rather than fluffy
Took some legal advice with a Divorce L was give a free hour consultation and so long as I am going for shared custody then should be fine need to listen to meeting again recorded it and take some notes
Today it is dancing class ...never done the cha cha so will see he this goes
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Ok Please stay with me on this I feel this is VERY IMPORTANT and I have to get this off my chest ....
i love all my children all very much but over the years without question I have been closer to my eldest son ....I believe this was because when I was a child I did not get the love I wanted from my father he was always closer to my sister and I built resentment towards her .....when I was growing up my father did so little for me and did not give me the love that I wanted and desired, perhaps because of this I wanted to make sure that I was close to my son.
Because of the amount of time that I spent with my son doing his activities my wife would spend more time with my daughter doing hers...she loved her horses and I bought my daughter a horse when she was 13 ....so just as I was close to my son my wife became very close to our daughter .....This has led to my eldest daughter having resentment towards my eldest son and towards me she has said that I love him more than her.
I thought that it was just siblings fighting and to a degree it probably was but it was probably spurned on by my daughters upset and the fact she felt unloved by me.
Three years ago things were bad between my W and I and we nearly broke up my children were fighting a lot my W and I were arguing things were bad I spoke to my two eldest children and said that we all have to try to make mummy happy we all had get along with each other pull together to keep our family together.
My eldest daughter recently told me in a heated argument that I had blamed her and said that I had told her it was her fault that mummy and daddy had nearly split up. I know I did not say anythng of the kind but this is what she firmly believes I had said and because of this she she built up even more resentment towards me.
About a year later My daughter went through a stage of cutting herself only very lightly ..a lot of her friends were also doing this and I thought at the time this was because she was also being bullied at school or following on with her friends but I now accept that this was in part because of how she was feeling towards me and I know she blames me .
Since my w and I separating my eldest daughter who is now nearly 17 has started to show more and more disrespect towards to me I knew that me were not close but I feel her seeing mummy leaving me as her awaking to be able to let out her anger and upset....and this has been not just to me by being rude and disrespectful to me but also to my son with her attitude towards him.
So I have a W that wants to leave me possibly in part from the above and I have a daughter who is upset and will probably want very little towards me.
Over the years I have been there for my children and I have been there for my W I have provided for them by working hard but I did not give enough of 'MY time to them ..my W has pointed out to me that she feels I did do enough for my son but I did not do enough for my other children or for her.
So when I thought the marriage broke down because of my lack of doing the house work and being there for my W of an evening showing her my love I believe now it had more to do with the above.
I do not know how I can make any of this any better I try to spend time with my daughter but she feels anger and resentment to me and she wants little to do with me ...I do not feel the answer is to buy her love give her what she wants ...I would do this but I do not think it will bring her closer to me.
One of the reasons that I want to keep us all together in the house is to try to make things better with my W and I realise this is going to be extremely difficult to do and I now also realise that I have a very sad and upset daughter that I also would love to build a relationship with but I do not know if this will be possible either.
To write this has taken me nearly 1 1/2 hrs trying to put this into some order
I tried to be a good dad and husband but I have got things wrong and I do not know how to make things any better
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
