My husband told me there is no longer an us. I should not be concerned with what he is doing and he should not be concerned with what I am doing (he brought up some specific events of what I am doing and I could tell there was some jealousy but he is not letting that hold him back). He told me there is no other woman and that he wants nothing to do with women. He is going to counseling. He does not know if he wants reconcilation. Feels like I am pushing for answers and it's not fair of me. Was annoyed when I asked him about his trip, but asked me about whether I was working more hours.
He said he is using the time to see what it would be like separated. That he does not want to make decisions based on emotion. He said he might not be able to handle being separated from kids.
I feel like the separation just allows us to grow more and more into strangers. He is getting to go out with his friends, actually going on trips with them (something he always said he couldn't afford with the family and I would be the one to pay just so we could go). I feel ashamed for him that he made a commitment to marriage and family and is not staying true to this. Our problems were not different then any others. I feel horrible that he chooses to be with friends over the kids. He does not see any of this. I can't understand how someone can be like this with their children...forget about myself.
Now the crazy part is, he says he wants to know what it is like to be separated, but he is not paying child support??? What does he think will happen during divorce?????? He is cake eating and I am enabling.
Truly I have to just let him go. This is ridiculous, when he comes back From his trip, I am asking him in writing for child support and then when he refuses I will have to go through courts. He will think I am using child support to control him.
By the way I would be entitled to spousal support as well, not sure if I should request that as well . This will be antagonistic but it will put things moving. Plus I am certain he is not putting money away for the kids. So I have to do what's best for them and me cause he is gone.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
You should definitely talk to a lawyer if you haven't already. He should be supporting his family, and if he makes more than you, that does include spousal support. Marital money is marital money. And who cares what he thinks your motives are. You know the truth.
I am going through this right now with my H. He has been ignoring my lawyer and we are going to end up having to file a motion which will just end up costing him more in the end. He chose two households, he should contribute to supporting that choice.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I have and legally and morally I'm in the right. I have been letting it go, because I am trying to keep things peaceful with the goal of reconciliation. This causes animosity and I worry that he will file. Or fight for 50/50 which he hinted at twice. It tears me up and I am so ashamed at letting him do this. I have been giving time hoping there would be improvement but there is none so I know this is next step. It sickens me though to fight for it and to have to fight for it.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I know how bad and selfish it makes him look. And I am conflicted because i remember the different side to him and I can't wrap my head around this. I know I was not the best wife after kids were born, so I guess I view it as my karma. I don't know. I don't understand why I am allowing someone to do this.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I have been letting it go, because I am trying to keep things peaceful with the goal of reconciliation. This causes animosity and I worry that he will file. Or fight for 50/50 which he hinted at twice.
It does not work! You cannot allow him to treat you this way and you call it "keeping the peace" or thinking it will help reconciliation. It doesn't.
Turn him loose.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's just so hard to let go. It will be a catalyst.
DB coach told me I have to request child support as well. She also told me it is important to pursue friendship. That is pretty much it. He will not be friends with me once I file for cs. He will not agree to give on his own. L said why is he the only man that should not have to pay cs?
It's just so nonsensical that he is throwing this away. That he has such little commitment to his responsibilities. That hanging out with his friends is of such great importance. Will he regret this one day? He has vilified me so much.
Last edited by JulieH; 10/07/1509:10 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
A part of me wonders if I am harping on this topic because it's the only thing I have in my mind to vilify him. This way I don't have to accept the reality that he is leaving me because I made him so unhappy in our relationship. I can write him off as the scoundral, and make myself look sweet and innocent.
I tried so hard to rectify this past year and he was just so gone. And we had so many stresses and health issues that hit us. I want so bad for us to work on things, I just don't understand why he wont. Why is he being so stubborn and resistant.
Turn him loose...it's so painful. The hope makes it impossible right now. I can't keep him though. This is awful. I feel like it's the beginning again where I can't eat. I am a bit too thin now. Time hasn't healed it's just making me more desperate.
Last edited by JulieH; 10/07/1511:18 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Hey Julie, I can tell you're in a ton of emotional pain right now. This is a good place to let it out.
Slow down on making decisions right now. I know you are in pain, and there is almost an overwhelming need to do something to change your sitch so you feel differently. But emotions aren't a good way to steer your life. In fact, we get angry at WAS's for leaving when they were simply doing the same thing- trying to change their sitch because they were in more pain than they could manage. In a weird way if you want the moral high ground I'd say show that you can lead your life based on your beliefs and values, not how you feel this month.
On that note please review the validation sheet and practice validating your H. He says he needs space. You say this is only making things worse. Maybe that's true for YOU. But he's a different person. His feelings are different. His reality is different. You are looking at your half of this, dismissing his, and then acting betrayed that he sees things differently. His emotions and his reality are just as real and important as yours. The only way forward is to find a way in which BOTH of you are feelings can be voiced and validated. I know he doesn't act like your voice matters at all right now and that hurts tremendously. Just realize that you two have been going different directions for a while now. He obviously felt there was no way to communicate his pain, needs, wants, and his voice in a way that would be heard by you otherwise he'd be trying counseling or talking or whatever. The more you dismiss him the more you prove he was right. If you can show him that you are hearing him, validate him as much as possible, and show him some respect, it will at least plant the seeds that change is possible.
As for the anger about how he's distancing himself, putting his friends in front of the children, etc...this anger is all coming from your pain. If you weren't in pain you might be able to see the world through his eyes, and you might feel more compassion, and be more supportive. In fact, you might feel regret for the role you played in contributing to a partnership in which he felt he had to distance himself to protect himself. I think about my boundary essay on my thread, what I see is not a man who doesn't love you, but one who is trying to protect himself from being hurt. But because you're in so much pain you feel overwhelming anger, and then you see him through red tinted glasses that makes everything he does look villainous. This will not help you save your M, if he felt judged, dismissed, criticized, or rejected before, carrying a ton of rage towards him will not charm him back.
Personally I think your M is showing a lot of signs of being salvageable. He isn't breaking his vows in terms of pursuing another woman or filing D. He is going to counseling. He is considering the lifelong implications of what would come from his decisions. Contrast this to the 99% who's WAS's are in active affairs, blaming their LBS for everything and spewing venom, and so much more, and your H seems to be trying his best to find a way through this crisis without destroying the family.
Do you believe in saving your M even if it means it will hurt for a while? If so, first thing is to recognize that he may be right, you might need some space. It's clear even if he wanted to R you're not ready to start piecing just now. You have some work to do on your end to find some inner calm. Right now you're still reeling from the blow, and he seems to be the cause of all of your pain so you can't help but obsess about what he's doing and be upset for how he's hurting you. This is normal, totally ok, and healthy. The key is knowing you have to work through this, that it's a phase, that your feelings aren't 'true'.
I am totally fine with you asking for support. I'd recommend posting your email here before sending it. Also, reread the part in DR where it talks about visualizing the outcome you want. You continue to state this will end things irreversibly. The reality is that while he may be upset, if you handle yourself in the right way you can validate his concerns while still standing up for yourself and your family. These are ALL positive things that could demonstrate you are reasonable and someone that could be a good partner given the chance.
Anyway, like I said, I am really sorry you are hurting. This is still very close to BD and it's totally normal. I wouldn't expect you to not feel this way. I just hope you can navigate through it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
