Most of my friends and family are the same way. I have one friend that gets it. But if I'm drawing healthy boundaries they can,say what they want. They just don't want to see us hurt.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Random thoughts going through my head today. We have MC tomorrow. Going to discuss the possibility of H taking the travel job for 6 months.
1. How do I act about this? Confident, matter of fact, he should do what he needs to do? Should I express concern that he should be using this time to work on his issues? Do I ask that we set ground rules- like no dating during this time?
2. Considering the fact that my H is really more like a W. I am in the "friend" zone. I don't want to be his friend. How does a woman do this? I am really nice to him, it goes unnoticed. I am very supportive, again unnoticed. I flirt, make bids for physical attention, all goes unnoticed. Or noticed but ignored. (If I make a very overt sexual advance he will respond. Hope this isn't tmi, just trying to get the right advice. )
This even goes back to pre-BD, he was always like this. This is why my IC thinks he was abused- he is extremely passive and non-sexual and shut down emotionally.
So, I am thinking of fine tuning my DB with the approach that H is actually a woman. How do I do this?
Random thoughts going through my head today. We have MC tomorrow. Going to discuss the possibility of H taking the travel job for 6 months.
1. How do I act about this? Confident, matter of fact, he should do what he needs to do? Should I express concern that he should be using this time to work on his issues? Do I ask that we set ground rules- like no dating during this time?
I would just say that you encourage him to do what's best for him. AS for setting ground rules, one would think being married would be a rule for not having an OW/OP but......
You can set all the rules you want, but that doesn't mean they'll be followed. When my stbx and I split, I asked that we not date while legally married (and because I thought we were working on things), and he agreed (and then was caught on Tinder and having a flirtation with a girl on FB, but I digress). It was important to me and I know I followed it on my end, and have to go on the honor system that he trusted it on his end.
I think unless you both mutually bring up rules, it might be worth discussing. However, I believe if you ask for rules you set yourself up for looking controlling.
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I saw that you were wondering out loud if he took this job what would it mean, and worrying about how he would seek IC. I know your heart is in the right place - but he's a big boy. He has to be free to do his own things. Take the job or not. Do IC or not. You can worry, yes, but it's truly on him.
I agree with what your friend said. If your H doesn't think you're the sun and the moon - then why would you want them there? My therapist has a great saying, that I've now adopted. "In life and love, I take no hostages." I couldn't agree more. People in my life can choose to be there, or they can't. But I'm not going to pressure them to stay. It doesn't get me anywhere, and it makes them feel devalued in a way.
Set them free. Set yourself free. Free yourself from expectations and then see what happens. Whatever it may be.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
1. How do I act about this? Confident, matter of fact, he should do what he needs to do? Should I express concern that he should be using this time to work on his issues? Do I ask that we set ground rules- like no dating during this time?
It seems to me that you are still pushing him. You are not his mother who tells him what he needs to be working on, right?
My advice is not to show how you feel toward him leaving. As for the ground rules.....don't you think he would find it almost amusing? If the guy is in or has been in an EA, or whatever, you setting ground rules will only apply to "you", in his opinion. As a former WW, I can tell you that it would be much better for him to realize you are not home "grounded", any more than he is.
The man is not committed to the M. You can't force him. He is leaving for six months? Who will be doing the calling, checking in, encouraging, etc? If it's you.....then nothing has changed and you'll still be pursuing. I strongly advise you to use this time to pull back. Let him contact you. If he doesn't, then don't freak out and call him. You have to do this, Photoka. After six months, you could have a better perspective of what you really want for your life. And, if you would really let him go....he would sense it and decide he wants you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
And the more I think about it, the better I actually do feel about it so its not all an act. I am emotional about it, but I can see actually letting go and I will be ok. You all might have to talk me through it when the time comes.
I agree w/ Sandi2: you are trying to control him and he won't take your advice well no matter what it is. Why not just say that you know it is a tough decision for him and that you appreciate that he is considering the well-being of the family in his calculus. You recognize that this really needs to be his decision, and that you want him to be free to make the choice that he thinks is best.
He won't be expecting that. Even if he isn't thinking much of the impact on the family, he's more likely to do this if you show appreciation that he is at least doing some of it. You aren't trying argue that he should stay, and that you don't really have a horse in this race. This is all him, and you get that, and want him to choose what is best (you don't say for whom, leave that up to him).
Who knows, he may actually rise to the occasion and actually consider the best for the family for a change (although that might be to take the job).
You actually are ambivalent about this. You could tell him you are, or you could tell him you don't care, but I wouldn't go down that path, as he'll start looking for the trick, even if there isn't one.
Don't go to war w/ the MiL. Don't worry too much about him and his decisions. You know what the path is unless something significant changes. So, give that change a chance by leaving him to make his choice and you focus on your choices.
Easier said than done, and I know it is painful even if you are ambivalent. But you can detach and just give him responsibility for himself.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Calibri, I always heard that saying "In life and love I take no hostages" and I thought it meant something completely different! LOL. I was way off the mark.
Thank you. I am absorbing all of the advice I am getting here. You are right, everyone is right. We have MC tonight to discuss the job offer. I am going to read and reread everyone's advice before I go. Thank you all for being my rock. I will pray and walk and get myself in a good frame of mind before walking in there, so my emotions don't take over.
Back from MC. I was calm and very non-controlling and neutral. H is going to put in for the job. I am going to proceed as planned, find a job, focus on the kids and self development, H will do whatever he decides he needs to do, we will see what happens.
I am sad and relieved and stressed all at once. Its not definite yet, and we don't know the start date.
I wanted to add: Thank you for all of the responses and advice. I read and reread all of your posts before counseling tonight, and I walked in there very calm and non-emotional. Detached or faking it. I do see the positives in this situation, and I will choose to focus on them instead of the negatives. Better yet, trying not to focus on it at all, and focus on my self and my kids.
I know this is a pointless question, but what the heck happened to my life?
