PP 2.0 - PigPen & The WAW (7)

[PigPen]

Well DB'ers, I have a new development in my sitch. I'm reading into it far too much and it's pulling me in a few directions.

I'm supposed to swap Woofie with the WAW tomorrow but instead she's asked if I want to have dinner with her. She said she "misses her friend".

This has thrown me off for the day. On one level I don't want to do it. I don't want to sit there and laugh with her, and fall in love with again, and go through the pain of being around her in a house full of our furniture that reminds me of everything we had together and now don't. I don't want to hear about how great everything is now that we're separated and a bunch of spiritual bypass. I'd rather just hand off the dog, get back in my car and go home and continue to put my life back together.

On the other hand, this is the first time she's asked to see me in nine months. I haven't received a phone call even. Two weeks ago I got a text telling me she was sending me good vibes, and now this. On the DB front it feels like a positive move.

Yes it's trending in the right direction, but it's also happening while her attorney has filed and is asking me to give up my dog. So it's very confusing.

However, I'm erring on the side of protecting my heart, which seems to need a few days every time after seeing her to mend. I don't want to go through the pain of walking away from her again, feeling whole for an hour and then having it all crash down one more time. Detaching seems to be more effective without her presence.

I'm truly at a loss for what to do as this week was an extremely difficult one for me emotionally. Last night I was meditating and burst out sobbing. This was the hardest I had cried since getting served papers a few weeks back and lasted for almost 30 minutes! It was insane and I can't tell you the catalyst for it. I question whether seeing her would be a deterrent to my own healing, and I'm trying to protect myself, or if I don't want to see her because on some very real level I'm angry at her for all of this and my ego doesn't want to let her have access to me.

I've been available all throughout this process and only recently have pulled away. My texts have been all business, the last dog swap was extremely short by my design, and emotionally I've started to let go of any chance of reconciliation and started to move on.

Any thoughts?

[mutatio]

I have not experienced what your going through so I cannot give you knowledgeable advice and would not dare tell you what you should do.

However I can tell you what I think I would do. I could not do it. My wife is the sun and the moon to me. My heart sings when I see her. I would not be strong enough to endure that pain. The divorce is moving forward, the lawyer wants your dog so how is this dinner going to end well.

If my wife divorces me I will never see her again except at my children's weddings.

PigPen I don't know what the right answer is for you but if she wants you back she doesn't need to cook you dinner to tell you.

[Azzork]

PP -
I can see both sides. But in my opinion, she says she misses her friend. Not you. Not her husband. Her friend. If it were me, I would say that I had plans and reschedule later on my own terms (if ever).

That's just me. My W may think about reconciling someday and I may miss it. But I know that pain of getting "sucked back in" and I'm not interested in that.

[Fogg]

I would say go to it and see what happens. I completely understand the healing and not wanting to go through the pain but who knows what will happen.

My last coach call I was very much in the same thought process you are now and wanted this to just be over so I could heal and stop hurting. I wanted to have 0 hope and ignore the positives in my sitch because it hurt too much to be disappointed over and over. He convinced me to look at the positives and keep on the DB path because we can deal with the dissapointment later.

I know it hurts but don't give up. Maybe we're now at the point where patience is key and if we continental to leave the door cracked something will change.

[PigPen]

Thanks you guys, I really appreciate your input. It's a tough call for me. I see everyone's point and will have to sit with the decision overnight.

I feel that DB'ing would say to take this opening and use it, but I guess what I'm bumping up again is whether I'm still DB'ing or not - or if I'm DB'ing just to make myself a better man or with the idea that I want to R my M. DB'ing keeps you open in my opinion as it keeps that tiny bit of hope alive. I haven't had that since I got served and have been processing the full effect of the loss.

Thanks again for commenting Mutatio, Fogg, and Azz, I value all of your opinions greatly.

PP

[Wonka]

PP,

I would politely say, "thanks for the invite...I don't think it's a good idea given the present circumstances."

Don't be too quick to accept measly crumbs when your W is ripping your heart apart and trying to WRESTLE Woofie from you. C'mon....stand firm. This isn't the time to go all Wet Noodle here.

And she misses her "friend"?! That is what happens when you serve D papers. Duh.

[PigPen]

Thank you Wonka, you have been there for me throughout this entire journey. Your opinion holds the most weight of anyone on here so I will follow your advice. It felt to me like my W is missing me, but part of me also has watched her do this all along since BD.

When I pull away, she comes back in 2%, and I open up 50% - and then get the door slammed hard in my face. It's happened many times.

Big hugs your way Wonka,

PP

PP

[Wonka]

PP,

If I may, I would like to put this in proper perspective for you (and others).

A lot of the times, the WAS creates their own internal narrative that while "a M didn't work out, a friendly and amicable D is possible" as a means to assuage their own guilt for pulling the plug without trying everything (and telling their friends the same skewed narrative too). Also, in their view, a 'friendly D', usually means that they get their way or expect the spouse to roll over and give them everything they think they deserve. In reading your W's dinner invite, it was her way to check the opponent's position and reassure herself that things are going "according to plan."

I'm not saying that W is doing this with malicious intent, but at a sub-conscious level. They are engaged in fantasy thinking on D where it's all cotton candy and Popsicles. It is important to remember that it's fine to DB all the way...UNTIL the D papers are filed.

This is when the LBS really needs to grow a real back bone and tighten their DB Black Belts. What do I mean by this? In nutshell, you no longer act as their friend or continue offering your friendship because it's now shifted into an adversarial position.

As a matter of fact, data shows that successful DBers convey through their words backed by actions that they will not be friends with their WASes if they do follow through D. This is actually supported by anecdotal evidence here as demonstrated by Sandi's H, Starsky, and most recently...CaliGuy.

Many WASes crumble and fall apart when this realization sinks into their fogged thought processes and usually jars them into the reality of their choices.

Do you see, PP?

[PigPen]

I see Wonka. I was going to ask you in the morning about this, but your post nailed it for me.

As soon as my W made her first L appointment, she got friendly again. It was a complete 180 from what I'd experienced thus far. She brought up inside jokes about our M, laughed about funny times we had together, while also letting me know that she was really left no choice in leaving the M because the job prospects in her town were so much better and that was the Universe's way of making it clear for her. And then scratching my neck during hugs goodbye when I tried to pull away.

Her behavior has been completely different and loving SINCE she filed. So this makes perfect sense.

Again, thank you for clarifying this for me and for anyone else reading it. This puts my mind at ease at how this all still fits in DB wise.

With much appreciation,

PP

[Sotto]

Hi Wonka, good to see you posting...I've missed your dynamite advice!!

PP - sounds like dynamite advice from Wonka - I would take it and stand firm.

Good luck my friend - you are doing really well xx