It makes me sad. When did we put one another in a box and fail to see anything that didn't fit with our preconceived viewpoints? I'm as guilty as he is in this regard. I don't have a script, but I thought I knew him so well I could predict every action he would ever take. Didn't he surprise me?
I know you worry about your H, but I'm pretty sure you can't help much right now, in spite of your sweet heart and loving desire to help. Your H has painted you as the villain in this little drama. I want to drive over there and shake some sense into him! Depression is so extremely difficult to manage. It took one giant explosion to knock me out of mine and back into awareness. I thought I was fine, too.
Yes. In all long-term Rs, we all are guilty of placing our SOs in a box and getting at least irritated when they won't stay there.
You H has to travel his own path if he is ever going to be able to get back in a healthy R with your. Can you let him? You deal w/ yourself. Let him take responsibility for his own issues.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Wow, so much good advice and support. This forum is 100x better than IC or MC. I am going out now, dropping boys off at school and then off for my 3 mile walk. I will be back to read and reread your wonderful posts. Sometimes it takes a while for the words to sink in.
I don't want him to go. But I need to let him. I know I can manage on my own, and I do think it would be better for the kids.
Still going back and forth in my mind about whether I want him to go or stay. I guess I will stay out of it and leave it up to him. Either way I will continue to DB.
My concern, besides him not getting help, is that if he leaves, the one weekend a month he comes home to visit will really be a big stressor for me. I will feel so much pressure to be perfect that weekend, and on top of that I am absolutely sure his parents will decide they need to be here that weekend (I am willing to bet almost every month) and also the kids will need to catch up with him. So those weekends will be loaded with potential problems.
OK, trying not to think about it. Its his choice. I wouldn't be able to leave my kids for 6 months. Doesn't seem to bother him. I don't mean to sound judgmental, but he is really not attached to any of us.
I just had a good talk with a friend about H possibly leaving for 6 months. She was excited for me! When I tried to talk about , what if he doesn't come back, what if he doesn't get help, etc etc, she said "He says he doesn't love you. He says you are not the woman he wants to be with. He doesn't talk to you. He does not help with the kids, or around the house. He is not getting along w D. Let him go! If he doesn't come back then why would you want him back?"
I don't know why it is so hard for me to see it, it is an obvious choice. I am letting him go. I need to focus on my children, get the 2 stressed out ones better. I can quiet down my GAL and not feel like I am running all the time trying to escape. I can relax at home, and not worry about my every word or hand gesture being misunderstood.
And, although I hope it doesn't come to this, it would have to look good for me if it comes to a custody decision- if he chose to leave for 6 months. Will reinforce that I am the primary parent, he does NOTHING with the kids. He has only been doing more lately because I am out all the time for GAL, but even so he pretty much works on his laptop and just tells them when to go to bed. More like supervising them, not really interacting with them. And he is clashing so much with my D.
Also my friend told me to encourage him to leave. Don't be wimpy and say "I want you here, I am scared you won't come back." She said to convey strength and confidence and that alone might be a wake up call to H because right now he thinks he can get away with anything.
Perfect. Sometimes it takes friend to just lay it out for us.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Now if I can just get her to do the talking for me! She will tell him. She was actually going to call him last week and tell him that he is going to lose me if he keeps it up. I asked her to stand down. I love my friends! But nobody except this forum understands the DB approach. Even my IC. Everyone thinks I should speak my mind, go to war with MIL, set up stronger boundaries. Nobody gets my seemingly hands off approach.
Be wary of friends and family. They don't understand what you are trying to do and the measures you are taking. They want you to be happy at any cost, and it is usually quick happiness that they want for you (which is mostly to forget and move on).
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Even my IC. Everyone thinks I should speak my mind, go to war with MIL, set up stronger boundaries.
How are these things going to possibly give any benefit to you? What are you going to say...."Love me or else Im leaving?" Not sure how thats going to help!
Stick with us, PK!
By the way, I am keeping up with you, and I was heartbroken by your recount of your anniversary. I feel your pain, and I continue to appreciate the strength you are showing in this time of adversity.
Glad to hear that you have support in the "real world" too pho. They do have your best interest in mind. Just not always the best life experience to go with it.
You are doing awesome. Good luck!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
When my husband left, it was actually a relief. I had been walking on egg shells and he had been so depressed and miserable to deal with, just coming and going as he pleased.
The only thing is I don't know if you should actually come out and say to him that you want him to leave because that might come back to you legally. I think it will look better for you if he is the one to make that decision.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Not sure how thats going to help!