I found this message board 2 months ago, read both books DB and DR, and finally mustering up the courage to post. My situation is a little different in that I have been fighting this fight for nearly 2 years (I did the complete opposite of DB); I am afraid it may be too late.
I could write a novel on my sit but the brief summary is W and I have been together for 19 years (m 13); have 2 boys. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for 6+ years (initially due to the youngest always wanting to sleep with her and it was easier for us to be in separate rooms so I could get a good nice rest). For many many years, wife has been telling me she needed me to show her that I cared about and supported her (which I truly do but was not hearing her cry for help; simply did not understand her needs).
Nearly 2 years ago, I had a strong suspicion things were not right and discovered she was texting and talking to OM day and night. I confronted and she initially denied saying he was just a “friend”. We eventual try marriage counseling but stopped.
6 months later I had suspicion again and found proof she was meeting up with him at his place. Again she denied saying they were just friends. This pattern of discovering new clues and interrogation continued for months.
Fast forward to this spring when she says, I am trying (to meet me halfway to work on r). Stupid me, I got excited and looked on her phone to prove to myself it was true (hoping she stopped texting the OM) but found sexual text messages between her and the OM instead. I lost it and gave her ultimate. Several days later she tells me she cannot continue being with me and she does not want to be with him either; continues to express that she is alone.
Today, she continues to be in communication daily with OM. There is much more to the situation but that’s it in a nutshell.
Like many LBH, I am going through the roller coaster of emotions and just do not know what to do. Not sure all DB techniques apply to me since this has been going on for so long. Example, if I try doing 180s, it’s giving her what she has been asking for many years from me BUT she views as temporary changes (and seen as pursing, chasing, brownie points); but these actions genially make me feel good about myself (a changed person for myself).
Thanks for listening, I’ll stop here and welcome any suggestion(s).
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Recap of the week thus far. Earlier in the week, we talked and the talk turned ugly. I kept my cool for the most part but I made a comment on her items being in the MBR. The next day she moved most of her things out and into the bedroom where she has been sleeping for years.
Her birthday was this week too. She made a comment that it was nothing special (referring to my past that I do not make her feel special). I shared how can I make her feel special when she is not with me (here in the m). Her response was "damn if you do and damn if you don't". I did get a birthday cake (had kids walk in carrying and singing b-day). Awhile back, I got tickets to see a traveling broadway play for all of us; she did not want to go but the kids eventually persuaded her to come along. We all had a nice time.
In the mornings this week she is colder towards me than norm. She talks to me in the evenings about her day. But after the kids go to bed, she reverts back to being cold (isolated) even while we sit on the same coach together.
Today I discovered she withdrew $2k in cash from bank account this week. Should I ask inquire?
Last night we talked while sitting on couch together without her phone in hand; not common. The topics were on her friends' issues, not us. It was a good evening. Still not sure when I should bring up the topic of her withdrawing $2k in cash.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sorry you're here bro. How are your 180s coming? Care to list any? The 2K-is that the norm? Did you discuss stuff like that previously? It seems like a lot but maybe it's not to you, I dunno. If it's a lot, and not acceptable then you have to call her on it I think. Is it all your cash? Hers?
