Back on these forums again

[Rick1963]

Hi mona. I think that when we are rejected in such a way we hurt a lot. I went through a period of hoping she would reachout but she never did. Part of me wanted her to beg for forgiveness. To tell me she had made a huge mistake.That was the anger talking to me. I learned to accept that this how she wanted this to be. So I made peace with myself. I let her go

[Mona52]

Thanks Rick,

I know you are right. The pain has its purpose though. If I get too angry, I could lash out. And since I know him better than any human being, I have the ability to hurt him more than any other person. If I am only angry, I may not be able to stop myself from telling him EXACTLY how I feel. But the pain makes me stop. I think I would rather have the anger than the pain, but I do not get to choose.

[Rick1963]

Lashing out wanting to hurt them serves no purpose. I struggle with the same. If I trully loved them why would I want to inflict pain? Questions I ask of me.

[mutatio]

Hi Mona, I hope this post finds you in a moment of contentment. These days have their ups and downs.
Hang in there friend, your doing great. Be well

[Mona52]

Thanks Rick! Thanks mutatio!

Tried an experiment with H yesterday to see if I could communicate with him and not get angry with him. I sent him very pleasant text messages about his children. He began by responding nice, and excited about the news I was giving him. But very quickly he turned the subject around to how badly HIS life sucked. Every time we talk, he ignores what is being said and blabs on and on about what he needs and how bad life is for him.

So my anger came with a vengeance. He is living rent free at my mother's, he has zero responsibility for ANYTHING. He is not taking care of his children financially, physically or emotionally. He complains he had to make a 'sacrifice' because he got a full time job.

His biggest complaints now are that he is all alone.

$#@%^*&^... is he freaking kidding me??? He wont even take 2 seconds out of his busy day playing online video games with his cyber friends to text his children, the only people in the world who have been there for him, and he has the nerve to complain that he is all alone? He left me to sleep in a big empty bed night after night for years, and HE is all alone?


He complained because his credit is so bad that they turned him down for an apartment. He can't be serious. His credit is terrible because he never paid his bills! In the past he would just apply in my name. I cant count the number of credit cards he got in my name over the years... He can no longer do that.
Not only that, he picked an apartment that was WAY out of his price range. He says he will not move into the city again, but there is no way he can afford the suburbs. He is in dreamworld.

Every morning I wake up and run around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to get the kids everything they need. He wont help me. In any way. He wont even call them. I am exhausted.

I applied for child support on Aug 16th. It is Oct 7th and I still have not seen any help. I asked for increases on my lines of credit and have maxed them all out.

I cannot live like this anymore. Constant fear and anger. I cannot be with my H. He is too selfish and pathetic. I am completely done with my M. I am walking away feeling I had done everything in the world I could do.

So I am going to stay here and talk to you all and discuss goals for my life and my family, but that is all.

So... the theme this year for homecoming dance is Alice in Wonderland. My D16 is going as the white witch and she has her entire outfit ready. She initially ordered a dress from China, for a dance that is 9 days away. I told her there was no way it would ship in time, so she is upset. We went out last night and bought her a second dress, but she really does not like it.

My D15 was asked by a boy she really likes and she is going to dress up as the mad hatter. She got her dress last night but could not find a top hat anywhere. Luckily, today I found 2 top hats for her. One is huge and velvet, kinda like a gag top hat. The other is a regular black top hat. I can pick them up on the 12th if i remember... for the dance on the 16th.

Sorry, but I have to complain here. These dresses were impossible. I had to take them to 100 stores, and we had to drop off and pick up their friends with each trip. This was while I was getting S11 everything he needed for other things. If H would have just helped the tiniest bit... Run the S11 to the stores he needed to go to.... less than 4 blocks from my mom's house... It would have made a huge difference. I was out until past 11 last night, ending the night shopping for what the dog and cat needed...

Monday I fell into bed late too because I was running around all night. And tonight looks just as bad...S11 gets out of soccer the same time D gets off work. D works 2 blocks away from my mom's house. But I cannot be at 2 places at once. So she will need to sit there until i am done getting S. Third night in a row dinner is after 9:00PM...

Lost some more weight, which is great. I got a new haircut and today it laid perfectly. I have been walking around with an extra bounce because of it. I have had less luck studying my school work or working on getting a few customers. But I have been very busy. I will shoot for next week to make some progress there. I have to be a mom first.

Oops, I mean, i GET to be a mom first.

[Mona52]

Fell into bed at midnight last night.I still have not gotten everything done that I needed to, so again I will be running around all night. Housework is falling so far behind. I do not understand how the house can get messy when we are never home, lol.

My anger has not even slightly abated. And I am OK with that.

So, last night, since we got home late, we were finally able to take the dog to the park, but it was dark out, and all of the other dogs had already gone home. So I did something last night I have not done in years. I ran. My poor puppy was all alone, so i ran around after her. I did not cough and wheeze at all!
It would be so weird if I were actually able to jog soon.

I am going to try and have the dishes done by 8:00pm tonight so I have time to catch up on everyone's threads. See you all later!

[Gmum]

Just read your thread. You sound so together. I hope one day I'll make it as far as you.
I hope you don't mind, but I do have a questions pertaining to your situation 10 years ago: How did you DB when your husband was in another state? My husband is about to go away for months for work (and we don't currently live together) and I am confused about how that's gonna work.

I'm so sorry to hijack your thread like this. Please ignore if you don't want to talk about it.

Thank you.

[Mona52]

Hello Gmum! I don't mind one little bit.
I remember I was intensely worried that since we only had contact maybe a minute or 2 two every couple of months, that BD'ing was useless. He did not care, and did not see if I was GAL or sitting in a ball in the corner every day crying. He basically only saw the babies on a holiday or one of their birthdays.

I was a complete wreck, I am not ashamed to admit it. I lost so much weight so quickly, that I developed gallstones and ended up in surgery to remove them and was in bed for weeks recovering. He still did not come to help with the kids. So I was really DB'ing with him never seeing any of it.

What he did see, was every time he saw the kids, I was there, happy, looking my absolute best and not angry or blaming in the slightest. I would casually mention things, like 'Oh D got a bruise from daycare. I had to put them in daycare because of my new job.'
I would never stress things I was doing or how good this was or that was. I would find a way to mention it as a side note.

Facebook was not big back then, so that was the only contact I ever had with him. (Except a few drunk phone calls we wont discuss;) )

I kept the meetings as short as possible, even though I wanted so badly to linger and stretch it out. At first he was grateful when I pushed him hurriedly out the door. He was ready for a weeping W, while he had OW waiting outside in the car. Instead, I was relaxed and happy and on my way out the door, so please hurry up, thanks... I have to admit, i always, every single time, made OW see me. I always followed the kids outside, to say good bye.

Then, when he felt that I was not going to be stressful to him, he started visiting the kids a little more often. Not a lot, just a little. He would try to make conversation with me, and I was not rude, but I was not chatty Kathy either. I kept my answers short, and happy, but I gave no personal information if I could help it. I always turned the conversation around to him. I know he likes to talk about himself and it made him feel good that I cared to ask about little things.

Then he wanted longer visits, and even though it was so hard, I declined. Each time, I was on my way to something else. I was there for him as a friend, but I was not there for him continually or as long as he wanted.

I will tell you, there were many, many more 2x4's on this forum then. If I did not mind my P's and Q's and if I did not keep the visits super short, the people here would smack the heck out of me. Seriously, total strangers would come to my thread just to tell me how stupid I was to tell H I missed him, lol. And I would get angry at them, but I really loved them for it. I depended completely on the advice here and tried to do exactly what I was told. i knew for a fact it would never work, because he moved so far away. And they had a BABY! But I knew nothing I did worked, so I just followed along. And I was able to stick with it because their advice was transforming my entire life.

I hope that made sense, I know I ramble a lot.

[Mona52]

No luck with getting some down time last night. But tonight D15 is sleeping over a friend's house and D16 works until 10ish, so it will be me and the boy . I spent some money on points for one of his video games 2 days ago, so I may be able to talk him into turning his brain into mush for a couple hours so I can wind down a bit.

Last night I was able to release most of my anger. It really does no good. I am glad I held it like I did, because it helped me over the bridge and away from H, but if I use it any longer it will become destructive. No amount of anger will change H. So, I have 3 kids who all need care and I am spread too thin. It doesn't matter how I feel about it, that is just a fact. I need to turn to solutions that will solve that issue, and stop trying to think of H as the only solution, and then get mad when it does not work like I want it.

So I called my mom yesterday. We have a very strange relationship. She is my mother, and I love her to death, but I cannot be around her. She is like poison. My 2 sisters are total criminals. In and out of jail. They have kids that are total criminals. And if I am going to be honest, my mom had never been arrested, but she is also a total criminal.

I feel stealing is wrong, they rationalize how it is OK to steal, because the insurance company will replace the item or that person has too much stuff, etc... My mother enables my sister's activity and I can't be around that craziness. But the facts are, I have 3 kids and I need help. They love their grandma, and I completely trust my children. I know they can choose right from wrong. So I called my mom last night and told her about up coming events I need help with.

So, for the next 2 months, I have the major activities covered, and I feel so much better this morning. That is why I was able to release some of the anger. Now I just feel pity for H. But I dont waste too much time thinking about that.

I made some exciting plans with D15 last night and that is taking most of my mind, and my D16 and I drove to a house that was for sale yesterday to check it out. We started making plans on how we could all work together to save up and buy that house in 7 months. My S11 is going downhill fast in school work. So we got into a huge fight last night and this morning we had a heart to heart. I will need to work closely with him to get him back on track.

and today, when I walked into my work building, as I was riding the elevator up I was mentally listing the work I need to do today. I have more work today then I have had in months. Major projects I have to send to the state are due today. Major projects for my boss are due today. Major projects for my co-workers are due today. When I started to list them, I was scared and felt a tad hopeless. But by the time the elevator reached my floor, I had readjusted my attitude completely.

I was saying to myself what a great day this is going to be. I am about to complete more work in one day than I normally complete in a week. I will be on fire! a superstar! when I get everything done! what a great day this will be!

yes, i am fully aware how corny that sounds, but corny is better than hopeless in my book any day.

[Gmum]

Thank you so much, Mona. It gives me hope. That makes a lot of sense.
Unfortunately I'm very dependent on my H for money and soon work at the moment. I'm really excited about this opportunity that I'm being given, but it'll be hard to not ever contact him.
He also has a months long work trip coming up, and I'm wondering how much I should be the one to initiate contact between him and our 3 YO.

Thanks again for your explanation. It is much appreciated.