It's been 3 months since the bomb drop. We've been living in separate rooms in the house since then. Getting along fairly well. At first she was very indifferent to me, would barely give me the time of day. Now she is mostly friendly to me. (I think it has something to do with my 27 year old son got on her case and told her to stop being so mean to me, thank you son!) Anyway, I've been using my new communications skills, listening intently... I've done everything I can to do my 180s, Act-as-ifs, haven't been so good on the Get a Life, because inside I'm just depressed and going out actually makes me more depressed....
Anyway, she has bought a house and now she is moving out. There are boxes everywhere... she's on the phone with the electric company... and in a week I'll be alone in this big house for a week at a time (then a week with the younger boys). this is bringing me down. way down.
I'm trying to tell myself that she was never going to come back until she moved out to see if the grass is greener. so this is a necessary step before she can ever come back. am i fooling myself? I am physically nauseous. I just can't act-as-if when I feel this crappy inside.
I look out the window and see couples holding hands.... Everything seems depressing.
I don't even know why I'm posting here.
I'm grasping at straws... Is there anything encouraging anyone can tell me? Do some women actually ever come back after they move out?
She just informed me she's taking the (younger) kids out to a movie and I said I want to come. Any chance to be together before she moves out, I will grab. Better than sitting at home and crying. And I will act-as-if, especially when the kids are around.
But this is so hard. It's been three months and I don't feel any better. And the next few weeks/months are going to be even worse. Poo.
Yes, there is hope. Even when it seems impossible.
10 years ago, my Exwife, left me and bought a house. Long story short, took her about 6 months before she 180'd and came back. I tried dating her for awhile for the sake of our child but it was too late, I no longer felt the same way about her.
She still reaches out to me to test the waters. I'm not interested.
The vets probably have more to offer, but when my H moved out, it was almost a relief to know that the worst thing I could imagine had just happened.
One thing that helped me was to go through every last drawer and make sure you collect everything that could be considered hers. Do it all at once. When do do start feeling stronger, you don't want that feeling ruined by a stray button.
Me: early 30s Husband: early 30s Married 3 years, together 6 No children
ILYBINILWY: 3/2015 He asks for divorce: 4/2015 Moves out for good: 5/2015 I start the divorce process 8/2015
I have to admit I am having trouble detaching. After 3 months, I still think about her all the time. And I am still depressed and having trouble getting through the day. Exercising helps. But I'm sorry, it's not that easy. We've been married for 30 years. I can't just walk away from it and "detatch." I see people on here who detach in a short time and do very well (even feel good) not communicating. But that's not me. I still carry a crystal she gave me in my pocket everywhere I go and I hold it in my hand and think about her. In my heart I feel like we are soul mates. She told me that we are soul mates several times before, and I probably didn't "get it" then, but I feel it now. So I can't just ignore that feeling. I am having the perspective that we need some time apart for our relationship to get better than it was. So if that's what's happening, I welcome it. We did have problems and we tried some things but we kept getting back into a rut. I feel like if/when we do get back together it is going to be different. I've learned a lot through this. I know I will treat her and the relationship very differently. I've learned a lot about communicating better. I could never have said that or learned these things if this breakup didn't happen. So maybe it was a necessary step for the relationship to improve. I realize that is not detachment. Perhaps it is false hope or a coping mechanism. But I can only do what I'm capable of.
Once she is gone from the house I realize things will change but we have kids and we are going to have to interact and we plan to remain friends. I am telling myself that she needs to test the waters and see if the grass is greener out there without me. So she would never come back to me without this happening. so in a backwards way I am seeing this as a step closer towards the possibility of reconciliation.
Its ok to grieve and feel bad for a while but DO NOT let yourself wallow in it. Life is too short and there are far more important things you can and should be doing. Do you have friends that are your friends that you can go out with and talk to? Someone that has been through this will help tremendously. This site and the people on it will help tremendously. Create a list of important things you need to do. Stop wanting and planning on her coming back, do the opposite. The more you mope around, be overly nice and try to convince her to come back the further and faster you will push her away. I know you feel like a huge piece of crap but you have to stand up and put one foot in front of the other. Exercise, the harder the better. It releases serotonin. Sleep 7-8 hours, eat healthy. It will get better. It takes time but the more you fight it the more time it will take. There is nothing you can do right now to make her change her mind. Be strong and dig yourself out of this.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
I feel your pain I really do I am not sure if you have been following any of my threads but I am exactly the same ok you trump be on the length of the marriage but I too am finding it extremely difficult to detach from her
I am not the best at giving out advice I struggle to accept advice given to me but as we are both struggling perhaps we can be there for each other
Try to remember it was not your decision to leave the marriage she left you and as much as you might like to think you can ......you cannot control someone they will make their decisions and tbh there is so little that you can do to make them change their mind
My youngest is just two years old and I am 46 I know I have the next 20 to 30 years ahead where I will see my W who will become my XW who will perhaps become involved with another man and as much as I hate this I know I can Mr lock her up
I also try to think on the pain that she is causing me I know my feelings and thoughts but they come from this situation and try to think how could someone that said they loved me treat me this way.
I am not looking forward to my w leaving the house for me t might come the day we sell and the removal truck turns up taking my things to my new house and her things t hers stairs day will be difficult.
Try and focus on today take things a day at a time
Take care my friend you will be alright ...
Ghost
Last edited by Ghost56; 10/03/1509:51 PM.
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I have trouble with detaching too. I realize that when I fool myself into thinking everything will get better, it's only because I imagine him coming back.
I like Thornton's story, but I sincerely doubt mine will have that outcome, as my husband seems to have met the love of his life.
I try to tell myself, that while he's all wrapped up in OW, I'm sitting here dealing with the actual pain and outcome of divorce and splitting up a family. Maybe one day when reality hits him, I'll have complete closure and be ready to move on. Maybe it's the same for you, Gabs. Until then, I'll think of you, you're not alone.
Duke, thanks. Truth be known, I don't have friends who can really help me through this. Most of my friends are guys and they have not been through anything like this, and they are not very good at this kind of stuff anyway. I have one friend who has really stepped up to the plate, a woman, who lives 3,000 miles away but we have spent hours on the phone. Thank God she has been there for me.
To clarify, I am not moping around and trying to convince her to come back. I am pretty good at acting as if I'm OK when she is around. It's when she's not there that I sink low.
It's easy to say that I should stop wanting and planning for her to come back. But I'm just not ready to do that.
I have spent some time on dating websites. It does give me a little respite from the pain, to think that if it doesn't work out with her there are other fish in the sea. And to be honest, if the day comes when I truly let her go and stop wanting her back, I will begin my search for another partner. I am just not a person who wants to be alone. To tell you the truth, I am dreading the alone time I'm going to have once she leaves. for a week at a time the kids are going to be at her place and I will see no one. I work at home. It's going to suck.
Hi Gabs. My H moved out 13 months ago and I am only now just starting to detach. We have been married 27 years. I still can't believe this is happening. But day by day I have gotten stronger. Time truly does heal all wounds. Take as much time as you need.
I'm going to go out on a limb here. I have to admit, sometimes I question how everything has to be so absolute here.
I understand the principles and I agree with them. But there is not only one narrow path getting your wife back. Sometimes people change their mind, without the left-behind spouse ever reading the DB book or knowing or following any of the rules here. And the truth is, for many who do follow the rules, their spouse does not come back.
I'm just not going to be able to follow all the rules here perfectly after she moves out. We have kids. For their sake, I have to communicate with my wife. I can't play games and not answer her text messages. We have agreed that maintaining a friendship is in the best interests of the kids. And we both want to be friends. Does that destroy my chances of getting back together in a relationship? I don't think so. If we are not relating and I'm trying to have "no contact" I don't think this serves the kids well. She has said she wants to have dinner together as a family once a week. I'm not going to say no to this. I will not go out of my way to follow her around and initiate contact daily, but I have to maintain contact and communicate about the kids, and we will be at kids' soccer games together and so forth. AND I also believe, in spite of what I have read here sometimes, that a friendship is one way to rekindle our appreciation of each other. I believe a friendship is a way for her to observe my 180s.
As an example, some friends of ours went through a break up a few years ago. The wife decided it was time to go. She got another place to live. But they remained friends and their daughter kept them interacting... After a few months of living separately, the wife changed her mind and wanted to get back together. By this time the husband wasn't sure if he wanted her back. They spent a lot of time going back and forth, deciding what to do. But the wife had definitely changed. During this time I saw them together a lot, at the ski slopes with their child, at parties even dancing together. They are still living separately now but they are friends. I think if the husband decides he wants her back she would still consider it.
The reason I give this story is, it shows that there is no prescription that applies to every situation. The husband didn't know about DB and he didn't follow all the rules, and he maintained a friendship, and she turned around after a few months.
So, forgive me if I don't follow all the rules to the letter here once my W moves out. I have an example close to me where the Wayward Wife change her mind, while the two of them maintained a friendship and they were not aware of the DB rules
I DO agree with the LRT principles. And I do think they are good to follow in general and I have learned a lot here. If I hadn't found this place I probably would still be overtly pursuing her and begging her and she would have pushed me away much further than I am now. I'm sure that with my friends, the husband did stop pursuing the wife before she came back and I understand that principle. and I understand my wife is not going to change her mind while I'm pursuing and chasing her, so I have stopped doing this overtly. The decision has to come from inside her, not from my pressure. But I don't think we can say that the only path to reconciliation is by playing a "no contact" game and not maintaining a friendship, and I don't think that is in the interests of the kids. I think it's possible to be friends and not pursue, which is the important thing. I think in some cases, some contact can be good, depending on the situation, especially if there are kids. If I maintain a friendship with my wife after she moves out and have dinner with her and the kids once a week and I'm displaying my 180s during that time, but not overtly pursuing her, does that destroy my chance of getting her back? I don't think so.
For now I just have to get through the physical act of her moving out and accepting life without her. That is going to be extremely difficult. these last 3 months have already been the hardest of my life, and this is going to be even worse. The thought of having no contact at all after that is just a bit more than I can handle.
