Parents: help me parenting while separated (2)

[Ripe]

Mr Bond, thank you for passing by. I really appreciate it.

Just a few things I've noticed about your recent sitch.

"Then the best part came, when STBXW told: "When I married you I thought it would be forever, but people change."
This made me sick but I was able to control myself."

So you felt disgusted by her saying this. Why? She's right after all. Just because it's a change that YOU don't want, doesn't make her thinking wrong.

MrBond, my reaction of disgust has to do with the way I understand the marriage vows: "for worse, in sickness". This is a disclaimer that for sure things will get tough. But also that we are committing to remain true through that.
As someone else in this board has said:
"If the vows are just words then it becomes a matter of when we feel like leaving. To me that's not a marriage. That's a ride in the sunshine until it inevitably starts to rain.
I maintain that anyone that adds a "but" to the statement "I don't believe in divorce..." truly DOES believe in divorce. I do not."
And another poster:
"I'm sure this doesn't matter, but the thing that gets to me about all these WAS is the commitment issue!! When I stood in front of God, justice of the peace and friends and family, I said " till death do us part". NOT "till I am unhappy in my marriage" or " till you don't make me happy anymore" or " till I lose my attraction to you". And so did my wife."
(I am a sucker for quoting others that express my exact feelings, since I am not a native speaker.)
So, when my W married all in white and pronounced those words the same way as I did, she was giving herself perpetually to me. For sure people change, but you have to be brave enough to face your fears, your suffering, your anguish. And you do not quit just because you changed.
MrBond, I will now thank you again, this time not because you took some of your precious time to read my sitch but because I had to think on what you said. I will now place myself in my W's shoes.
I just wrote that one does not quit just because he or her has changed.
But how much suffering is one supposed to endure?
My W and I suffered in silence for many, many years. My W needed someone to talk to and I avoided talking to her. I lived in a sexless marriage that reached a level of physical pain. We were not present for each other when we most needed to. I miserably failed her. The suffering I imposed on her was beyond bearable limits, beyond limits that suffocated her to a slow death.
Of course one wants to escape from this: marriage is supposed to be light and life, not darkness and death of your soul.
Having written this, I now think that I was only blaming my wife for not giving me a second change, now that I have changed, now that I think I am able to give her what she needs. I truly understand now her motives, I just which I had a second chance.
I feel disappointed from the breaking of the vows, but I honestly can't blame her.

[Ripe]

Just a few things I've noticed about your recent sitch.

"Being passive will only increase this feeling of being violated and disrespected."

In what way have you been "passive"? That's just a matter of opinion. You fought for your marriage so you weren't passive. You fought for what you believe in.

What I've seen in your posts is that although you say that you "understand" your W, and what got her here, your words say otherwise.

MrBond, when I mention that being passive makes me feel violated I am referring to a specific event, not to my general DBing.
My STBXW is moving out tomorrow. Since she is not working, until we get divorced I will be financing her escape from the conjugal home and her new life outside of the marriage.
Both of us were thinking about filing for divorce only at the end of December, when we will be flying to our home country for Christmas.
But I realized I cannot stand this situation so I have to speed up the divorce filling. It has nothing to do with saving some money, it has to do with the unbearable reality of me financially supporting a stranger that fired me.
Being passive was just a reference to waiting for December.

[MrBond]

"I feel disappointed from the breaking of the vows, but I honestly can't blame her."

Here's the thing about your "vows". You are angry that you feel she is breaking your vows. Yet up until this point, she had tried to tell you what was wrong, but you ignored her. She really had no option. You honestly didn't "wake up" until she left.

In many of your posts, you suddenly made yourself the victim, even though you say you don't blame your W. There's a lot of resentment coming through. Even when your early reconciliation didn't work out, if you've been studying relationships and reconciliation, you would have noticed and even expected that false starts are normal. It's how you deal with it that helps.

[Ripe]

T-1

MrBond, I think you are right: "It's how you deal with it that helps."

Yesterday night I talked to my wife about the divorce agreements.
It was a tense moment; I could feel it in the air and in her voice tone.
When we arrived to the moment of splitting our assets, mainly money in bank accounts under my name, she asked me suspiciously: “How can I trust that you will transfer the money to my bank account?”
I was hurt. All these years we have never discussed about money or finances. I accepted the mistrust, though, as I saw a direct link to the spy program I installed on the computer.
The mood was foul by the end of the negotiations.
I then asked STBXW if she could return my wedding ring and the watch I had given her back when she announced the D.
This watch had been a gift from her on our fifth wedding anniversary and she had it engraved with the word “forever”.
She answered: “I will not give you back the watch, only the ring. You were very rude by returning the watch.”
I answered: “One of your best features is your empathy, but long ago you lost it when it comes to me. It was easy to see I was hurting when I returned the watch.”
She accepted to give me the watch.
Then, interestingly, she asked me one more time about the reasons why I had spied on her.
This time I was able to give her a full picture.
“I dug deep into my soul and I can tell you why. When I found out you were talking to others about divorce I:
- Was shocked you were so open about it with third persons;
- I was terrified to lose you;
- I was desperate because I did not know how to get you back.
And then, in my mind, I decided that if I would know what you were complaining about I would be able to act. All this irrationality overcame my morals until my ethic conscience made me delete the program. Later on, I realized the only way I would want you in our marriage was if you wanted to stay and that I could not do anything about it. This made it completely useless to spy on you.”
Astonishingly she seemed to accept my explanation, maybe because I shared my true feelings.
She asked me if I had already talked to her mother, as I had said I would. I said no. She cried a bit and said she did not know what to tell mine. She added she loved my Mother.
She continued by saying she did not regret marrying me and that she would not want another father for our kids.
She asked me if I regretted having married her. I could not honestly answer. She cried a bit more.
Later on, she said I was different, a better person.
I mentioned I had found out I had a lot of feelings to share and that I had started doing so during our reconciliation back in June.
She answered it had been too late.
We talked for more than one hour. She cried a lot, I cried a bit. We laughed. We exchanged some sexual innuendo.
I validated her feelings the best I could. I said several times that if I could do it again I would do it differently.
She said life doesn’t give us second changes, after death everything is over.
After the conversation ended I felt a real connection, like I hadn’t felt in a while. I also felt we softened a bit and opened our hearts to each other.
She wished me all the happiness in the world and said she knew I would find it.
It was a good moment.
I finally was able to let her go.
I also realized, when she said my changes had been too late and that we don’t get second chances in life, that she is still not ready to commit herself into this marriage, that she must make her own journey.

[Ripe]

"I feel disappointed from the breaking of the vows, but I honestly can't blame her."
Even when your early reconciliation didn't work out, if you've been studying relationships and reconciliation, you would have noticed and even expected that false starts are normal. It's how you deal with it that helps.

MrBond,
Can you offer any reading suggestions?
Thanks.

[Ripe]

Just posting something I read today:

The negative emotions that arise from negative life events, big or small, are natural and help us better understand ourselves—they provide vital information about what we value and what might need to change in our lives.

[beckyb]

This is good. I'm going to use it to help process things.

[SunnyB]

Ripe, I have checked in on your thread many times because of the title. But you don't actually talk about your kids much. How are they doing in all this?

[Ripe]

T-0

Ripe, I have checked in on your thread many times because of the title. But you don't actually talk about your kids much. How are they doing in all this?

SunnyB, I appreciate that you´re passing by.
And your visit is most appropriate.
Today is day 0.
Today is the day my STBXW moved to her new flat with our kids.
Today is the first day of my life I cannot be with my kids even if I wanted to.
We have been far away on other occasions, that´s true, but today we are 1 Km away and it is as if an ocean would be in between.

So, today a new adventure begins.
The thread title was an anticipation that has become real.
How will I deal with them and with their mother now?
I will need your help, parents.

My relationship with my STBXW will be as follows: I don´t want to be her friend, I just want to have a friendly parenting relationship with her.
So, first question: yesterday, for instance, was "open school day" and the four of us attended the event.
At the amphitheater STBWX and I sat side by side instead of having the kids in between. Several times she touched me and remained in close contact longer than needed. I didn´t appreciate that. I am not her husband anymore.
I know that the kids like to see us together like that, but we are no longer a couple.
Won´t this situation confuse the kids? Will it not be better so sit on a total different row, where the kids might see me and acknowledge my presence?
Am I actually making any sense?

[Ripe]

I feel ashamed for the question I asked yesterday about if I should sit next to my STBXW or not during kids' events.
Am I nuts or what?
If she does not object, why not?
If I want to get my W back, why not to act in a more than friendly way?
Shouldn't this be my objective ( a quote from Zues sitch):

My DB coach told me there are 4 steps. 1) let the dust settle, 2) form a new relationship that's NOT a marriage but instead a good co-parenting partnership based on autonomy, good will, and respect, 3) romance, 4) reconciliation. Basically it's a win to get to step two. Not every divorced couple does. And if I do, there is no going to step 3 without a LOT of time spent rebuilding trust and showcasing changes that I MUST make. Of course, there are no guarantees that it will go beyond step 2. But if it did that is the road.

I am going through so much mixed feelings.
I am reading some literature and although it has only passed one day I am already feeling the results of the separation. I am pretty sure I will experience all of them:

Noncustodial parents have fewer responsibilities yet may face a variety of additional external stressors (e.g., missing their children, lack of control over decision making) that can decrease well-being.
Following our model, we propose that noncustodial parents are less likely to experience the advantages of parenthood (i.e., meaning in life, connectedness with their children, positive emotions, and enhanced social roles) and more likely to experience some factors that inhibit parents’ well-being (e.g., negative emotions).
These differences in themselves can explain the relatively low well-being of noncustodial parents.