Finally asking for help: 2

[Avanti]

Solo, you have obviously had a huge leap forward in your sitch and I am incredibly pleased for you and a little bit jealous.

You said you would never stop DBing and that is a great thing, what are your next steps i.e. what are your goals now?

It might sound like I'm pouring cold water, what I am actually doing is helping you to make sure the progress stays moving in the right direction.

You have some feelings that need to be dealt with and so both of you seeing a suitably qualified MC, separately and together would make an awful lot of sense.

What other things have you considered and if you haven't had time, or the inclination then it's time to do so as measures like this will ensure it is a permanent reunion otherwise you are leaving things to chance and that is a high risk game when you have worked so hard to come so far.

[asitis]

Very good news. She feels like a stranger, because you are seeing her in a whole new light. Trust comes from building it, not before. You both will have wounds to heal. BTW, don't let OM's little gift to get in the way, just make sure she is tested that it's not the only gift. If it is what I'm thinking of, it's more a stigma than a problem. Still, it will be a reminder, and something you'll likely need counseling (both IC & MC) to get beyond - esp., as you'll have to not hold it over her head.

Treat this like a new romance. You get to know the new people you have both become and see how it goes. Enjoy the novelty and allow the flush of excitement to grow a bit, just as in any new R. It will help make the MC work better.

Keep up the good work. I'm very, very happy to see someone enjoying the fruit of all their hard work to save their M. Bravo!

[Solo15]

You guys are so awesome. I've been really thinking about everything you said. It sparked a bunch of stuff in me about how to act with all this new change going on. We got together again last night and she was just incredible. I mean, wow. I am trying really hard to take it slow, but she is just being amazing. I've been smiling inside all day. Trying to make it like a new romance, but it's like an exponentially stronger set of feelings than what I've had before. I'm so much stronger than I ever have been in my life. My confidence is through the roof and I'm able to be so much more than I've been before. She gave me butterflies in my stomach. Can't remember the last time I felt like that. I tried to leave but she wouldn't let me. We wound up in bed together. I don't think I've ever felt more valued.

Anyway, I am trying to guard my heart. We are not back together officially. She's still got a ton to work through. I still don't know what the future holds, but every time we see each other, things get more and more healthy. More healing. More talks about what happened, who we are, what we have become as people. Our desires, our dreams. She keeps pulling me in. I have to be so careful. Keep focusing on my changes, working on a better me, GIL, detaching. Staying aloof. I found this kind of middle ground of self confidence and teasing punctuated by moments of flirty declarations of my love, huge desire and commitment to just her. Kind of like, I'm here and I'm yours if you want me, but I'm really desirable and fine on my own. Making it really hard on her. In a good way. It's a long road ahead, and I have to be so careful.

I could not have survived or gotten to this point without this forum and all of you who have been here for me. You all really have changed my life, and I am so grateful for you and your compassionate hearts.

[mutatio]

Just like before when you had to be strong and DB you have to be strong and continue focus on your healing and improving now, her too. We don't want you back here in a year!

[Solo15]

Long time no post. I'm going to move into the piecing forum given my recent series of events.

I wanted to stop by and put a footnote on the end of my story. I got really strong. I moved on, took control of my life, got my mojo back and decided that I wanted to be happy and that I could move through the pain. I did.

When that happened, I met someone. Started out as friends, but it turned into something more. I put the breaks on it, decided to pull away, and give myself space. For her and for me and for my marriage. I was honest with her about everything from day one, was a gentleman, and took care of her heart. She fell in love with me, and I certainly enjoyed her company and the dream of hope she gave me, but it's all too insane and too soon and unfair to everyone involved. I am still a wounded animal, no good to anyone.

Turns out I'm pretty great actually. But the thing that really gets me is that this other girl treated me better than anyone I've ever been with. Showed me what I relationship could be. What it would be like to have a partner. I had to pull away because it's too soon, and my feelings for my wife are still a fire in my heart.

The postscript here is that my wife is coming after me hard. She wants me back. She's actively seeking me out, trying to reconnect, to get me to move back home. She is being physical, caring, affectionate, loving. It's all I wanted. However, I am a different man now. Stronger, better suited to life. I know more about how to be human. How to love. How to stick up for myself. What I want from a relationship. A future.

I'm leaving this for you, my friends. So spun up in broken dreams and unhappy worlds. I spent 2 years in that hell. Many years in a painful and unfulfilled marriage to a woman I love more deeply than anything in the world. But it was unhealthy. Extremely so.

So now, I am in a position that most of us here would die to be in. I can have her back. I can choose my marriage. But in so many ways I don't want it. I want her, soft and lovely and beautiful. Wild and pure and clever and creative. Sweet, kind and giving. I want the girl I thought I was marrying. The girl of my dreams. Loyal to a fault. Well, she's not the girl I married anymore. She changed. I changed. Many of you reading this may reach the point where I am. I hope you do. Know this. Your happiness, your ability to have a fulfilling relationship is a right that you have. You are special, and uniquely yourself, and you deserve to be happy. You deserve someone that will love you for who you are.

I am taking some time to decide what I want. My wife is a siren song. No other woman in the world could have my heart so bound up and hopelessly in love. She has been my dear soulmate for 18 years. She has hurt me more than anyone. Ever. Now I have to decide if I will climb that mountain. At 36 years old, I have a lot of life left. Do I take the risk to be with her, to slog through the mire and hopefully come out whole, happy as a dream, or do I let go. Do I become who I am fully, and find happiness somewhere else. Choice. For the first time I am not a slave to my devotion but see clearly.

I wanted to thank all of you for your kindness, support, and earnest loving words of encouragement, your wisdom and honesty. This forum was a place of great healing for me. You faceless strangers reached out to me in the darkest moments of my life, you encouraged me, and offered a life line when I was doomed. I cannot forget that.

I will continue to stick around, but my story is moving away from this crisis. I can have my marriage back if I want it. I found my strength. I am not afraid.

God bless you all, and may your hearts find peace.

[mutatio]

Godspeed Solo

[sandi2]

I found my strength. I am not afraid.

I believe that is so key for the LBS, but then I have not been a LBS. I have been reading about it for years, and it does seem to be a pattern that when the LBS reaches the place you have, that's when the dynamics really change.

I have one question, b/c I suppose I missed something along the way. Did your WW know about this lady you had seen? I know of nothing else that will cause a ditched WW to suddenly desire her LBH....than to know another woman could be a threat to the W's position with him. This is important, Solo. If your W has no idea you've seen anyone else, then there's a chance she's legit. But remember, from beauty shops to the grocery stores.....gossip flies.

You are correct in saying you deserve better. Maybe your W wants to prove she can be better. Has she shown any remorse about OM? It seems she turned to you as soon as he dumped her, which is pretty normal for a WW. Have you seen big changes in her? Has she received any therapy, participated in any type of program, or anything that would help her progress to a better level, that would give some support to the possibility of having a better relationship in the future? Have the two of you discussed how things would be, if you did go back to her?

I hope you will not see me as being negative here, but rather seeing me wanting to help you. I will be thinking of you and praying for your best.

[Huddy]

Be careful. You've come so far, don't let yourself get hurt again.

[Solo15]

Thanks mutatio.

So to answer your questions Sandi2...

I know for a fact that she does not know about the other girl, and she started acting different before that became a thing. She expressed her romantic feelings, love, and general desire for me about a week before I met this other girl.

Her OM didn't dump her, as they were never a thing. He lives thousands of miles away, and from what I can make of it, it was more of a crush that turned into a one night stand. She remains in contact because he is her friend and teacher.

It is obvious that she is trying to show me that she has changed. She is very caring and compassionate with me, which is something I haven't seen from her in a very long time.

But in the end, I don't trust her. It's not just the affair, but even more the way she treated me like garbage for a couple years. It was really abusive and nearly crushed the life out of me. I don't trust her. In fact, that is really were I'm torn. I desire her. When I'm with her, I am reminded of how deeply I care for her, am attracted to her. But there is this alarm in my head telling me it can never work. That I can't get over what has happened.

I told her that I was not ready to talk about our relationship, that I was hurting and needed time to sort out my feelings. That she would have to wait if she wanted to be with me.

Because of my newfound self respect, I have a list of nonnegotiable actions she would have to take if she wanted it to work out. I know in my heart that she is incapable of this.

1. Deeply repent and ask for my forgiveness for how she hurt me. Not just with OM but before in our marriage. For how she abused me, and treated me with such unkindness. For breaking my heart.

2. Cut all contact with OM forever and provide proof that she did.

3. Attend couples counseling, or at least work through a marriage program that gives us tools to work through our issues. I want a bulletproof marriage, one that requires work and great care. Something to be studied and nurtured.

4. That we move slowly into a dating relationship, taking our time to get to know each other more, have fun, be outside of the decision on what to do about us and experience what our relationship is outside of our children and the grind of life.

5. That we fully discuss what we want out of a relationship, how we differ in what makes us feel loved, and also discuss our dreams for the future both independently and as a couple.

I don't feel secure with her. I don't feel loved. I don't think I ever have. There is a wildness to her that is reflected in her actions. A lack of thought for others feelings. For how her actions might be taken by others. Especially me. I've come to realize that I want to be someone's grand prize. I'm a decent man, with many positive qualities. I want to be with someone that I can take care of, whose happiness is important to me, and I want that person to give it back in kind. Two people building each other up, complimenting each other and making something better as a team.

I am not convinced that she will ever be that person, and I have one chance to decide that. So I'm taking time to heal my wounds and really think about what I want from life, and whether or not I can let this beautiful women whom I've loved my whole life go and move into a new future. I know that would be insanely hard, as I have a deep spiritual bond with her, but I can never go back to that place of abuse.

Thanks Huddy for those words. I needed to hear them and you are so right.

Thanks everyone!

[sandi2]

What you have listed does not sound unreasonable. I think you are being very wise in taking time, and not jumping back into a relationship where you feel unsafe.