The book of Lou - Chapter 4

[bttrfly]

Hi Lou,
So glad you had a wonderful weekend. I cannot give you any advice, since I have no clue what I'm doing in my own sitch but you have Sotto and Job and your own good instincts to guide you.

You continue to be an inspiration to me ...
xo,
bttrfly

[LouR]

Thank you Sotto, job and bttrfly, great to hear from you all.

Also, as for possibly being intimate next time. Again, I think if you can have a mindset of - it may happen and it may not - that will be best. He or you may or may not feel like doing that next time and that is okay. Again, the less pressure the better I think.

I agree totally. I don't have expectations on how any of this is going to go. The intimate side will happen when the time is right for both of us, I feel we need to spend a lot more time together becoming more comfortable in each others company, I certainly would not have gone down that road on this occasion even if he had initiated.

I think things are heading in a good direction. But there are two things to bear in mind. One is ongoing contact with ex OW, even if just about practical issues. The other is possible ongoing crisis issues.

At the moment I am not worried about the contact with ex ow, she moved out of the house they shared at the weekend and now they have 2 weeks to get it cleaned and sorted to hand it back. I did not ask details but he spoke like he would be doing the gardens and cleaning on his own as the bond is his. I accept that there are loose ends to tie up as they shared the house together, but at the end of this month there should be no reason for any contact - he has said there won't be as he has no interest in her, he said he looks at her now and thinks "what was I thinking .....that was the problem, I wasn't". I remind myself that she came after me, he did not cheat on me, we were no longer together in his head, so whilst it is hard to know she has been in his life, I also accept that technically he did nothing wrong and I should not punish him for her. This does not mean I would ever be ok with him remaining friendly with her (which he tells me he has no interest in doing), it just means I trust what he is saying is true and accept that if he chooses otherwise its his decision to make and he will loose me as a consequence.

As for on going crisis issues - I am aware that this is far from over but at least he recognizes this too and as he comes up against things he tells me so I back off and allow him the time and space to sort it out - he takes it straight to his c. I feel he is now understands when he needs help - his words are - "my c gives me tools to put in my new tool box, I don't have them all yet, sometimes I try to use other tools to solve the problem but they don't work, so I then know I need a new tool designed for the task"

This is a brand new relationship and neither of you can bring the old relationship back to life.

This is so true job and neither of us want the old relationship back, we want a stronger healthier one where we both feel equal partners in it. I can see the potential for this to be a much better and fulfilling partnership as he has a new appreciation for me and I am stronger and more in control of myself which will make me a better partner for him. There are obviously a few downsides to already having history but the upside is that we have a head start on the little things and its those that keep the bond - its silly I know, but he cut my toast into triangles, I love that he remembered.

I know that this is not a done deal, we have a long road ahead of us and one or the other of us may decide that this is not what we want, but for now the "possibility" is still alive and moving in a forward direction.

[BrightFuture]

Hi Lou, I’m glad you had a great weekend. Thanks for posting all the details. It is always interesting to read about MLCer thought process and reasons. You H feels guilty in spite the fact that there was no OW when he ended the M. My situation was similar. I always thought that in my case there would be no guilt feelings or remorse because H didn’t cheat on me. In one of his “speeches” he told that he ending our M will actually be good for me. So, in his mind he actually was doing me a favor, LOL. From reading what your H told you, I think that it might not be true after all.

One thing he did request is that I contact him more as he feels he is doing all the initiating and does not understand why – can I break nc now?

I would be asking the same question in this situation. Intuitively, I would still not initiate much, just like job said, allow him to come to you. What would you do if it would be a brand new R with the new person?

I remind myself that she came after me, he did not cheat on me, we were no longer together in his head, so whilst it is hard to know she has been in his life, I also accept that technically he did nothing wrong and I should not punish him for her. This does not mean I would ever be ok with him remaining friendly with her

I would have similar feelings. It is not like a GF from the past, before you and H were together. I would want ow to be gone from H’s and my life too.

Lou, there is no doubt that you are stronger and more in control of your life and yourself. You will do great! Provided he will catch up and do his work too. I have a lot of hope for you.

[LouR]

Hi Bright, thanks for stopping by and giving me support :o)

You H feels guilty in spite the fact that there was no OW when he ended the M. My situation was similar. I always thought that in my case there would be no guilt feelings or remorse because H didn’t cheat on me. In one of his “speeches” he told that he ending our M will actually be good for me. So, in his mind he actually was doing me a favor, LOL. From reading what your H told you, I think that it might not be true after all.

It seems a lot of MLC'er have this feeling of guilt and shame about what they have done to their s and family, it must be really painful to look back and see that you caused so much hurt and destruction to the lives of those you love. In my h case he says he is struggling with guilt because he feels he does not deserve me after what he did. Why should he get to feel happiness, love etc when he took mine away - its something he has to come to terms with and accept if we are to move forwards. As a default setting of "waiting for the rejection email" I have a fear that his guilt is from him just using me to get him through this time. Insecure me coming out to play.

h text this morning as he heard that last night we had a fairly big Earthquake where I live. He wanted to know that we (S18 and me) were ok. We are and it was not as major as it sounds, it was a decent shake but was deep down and fairly quick so no damage done. Nice of him to check up on us though.

[LouR]

Just realised I have not written much lately, its funny how in the beginning its everyday posting, looking for answers and trying to understand what has happened, getting support to push my life forward without h being in it anymore. Then it goes to weekly updates on how life is going, the day to day stuff that comes with moving onward, the realization that h may never return and accepting it. And now h is back in my life, after a flurry of hope its now slowed down again.

Whilst I do carry on with my own life, work and GAL activities, there is a strong element of h being a focus for me and the frustration that its going a snails pace does really get to me on some days and on others it allows me to stand back and ask "is this what I want, is he who I want".

Contact between us is random, I have backed off on initiation it, occasionally say hi, but generally its h that contacts first. We normally go about 4 days before he says hi and he always text, he does not seem to be able to call me, he says texting gives him time to form what he wants to say - this is such a turnaround for him, he was always quick and articulate in his words, now he has to think about it.

H continues to state that he wants to be with me, but he needs to sort himself out first, I respect that and know that he does have a lot of issues and as fast as they (h & c) resolve one they uncover more. The latest being the guilt feeling he has when he goes to have any physical contact with me, that has now evolved into having had that feeling when with ow too and it goes deeper than guilt, it now involves sex (h said he wont talk details with me, he does not have the tools to do so yet, plus unless he cant resolve it with his c then I have no need to know details). His c has told him he is confident he can help with it, so I have to hope.

H has also said that he will need ongoing help and sanity checks, whether that from a c or me, and that I need to respect that its his decision who he feels is best for him, I replied that I do respect it, I know I cant always be his "go to" but ask that he tells me when he is struggling so I don't worry he is building up to leaving again - until the trust is built again I need this - he agreed.

I see that it is going to be a really long time before he is ready and able to fully commit to a full relationship with me, he has voiced what he wants and that is as far as it goes really, which is really hard for me. I miss having someone in my life, I miss all that goes with that, so to know that it could be months, even years to getting it is quite challenging for me right now ...and the fact that it still may not happen with h even if I do stay the course is even harder to come to terms with, all that time waiting for him to be ready.

I am worried he will backtrack, I told him so when he asked why I have been distant with him (not contacting him), he said he wont backtrack, this is what he really wants, that he loved being around me again and all his feelings have been confirmed. He is worried I will backtrack on him as time goes on and more of what he has been feeling and thinking comes out and he worries that what he did to me and having ow in his life will always be there in the background.

IDK, this really is the hardest part. I am trying so hard to stay focused on me and what I want to do, to keep moving forward in my own life while he sorts himself out, always knowing in the background that this is far from a done deal. But I do find myself changing plans and thoughts to add him into the equation now, I find it very hard not to give him consideration.

So that's all from me, just rambling thoughts, nothing much that can be done a part from patience, something I struggle with. Thanks for listening and being a sounding board for me :o)

[bttrfly]

xo

[mleigh4]

Thank you for posting the update, I have been thinking of you. Boy, you really have to be strong to walk this path, huh? I don't think half the people I know would be able to make it this far. I admire your strength and your love for your H.

Funny how some days you miss your H so much, and others you just are not so sure....you seem like you are handling this well. We are always here for you to listen and offer our support.

(((hugs)))

[Sotto]

Hi Lou, I see lots of hope in your sitch. Your H wants to reconnect, he's aware that he needs to do some introspection and has things he wants to tackle, he's seeing an IC, dealing with financials and so on.

I can understand that for you, there's a big change in that he now features to an extent in your plans. And I can also understand the feelings of impatience - that must be difficult. We love our spouses and we hope that our M's might be saved. Of course it matters a lot to us if our spouse gives signs of wanting to reconnect.

However, he's also honest that there are things he needs to sort and he needs time to do that. I think if you can manage it, proportionality is the way to go. Think about how significant a part he plays in your life right now - and move ahead with your life on that basis. Right now, you guys are at the early stages of exploring whether you enjoy being in contact and spending time together. You're out of touch for a few days and then in touch again, then not. All of that sounds fine.

I think the best plan is to keep ploughing your own furrow for much of the time, but respond (and initiate sometimes) in respect of your H. Also remember, quick normally isn't good at times like these - slow is better.

Hope you have a lovely weekend xx

[LouR]

Thank you so much bttrfly, meleigh and Sotto, it good to hear from you.

I think the best plan is to keep ploughing your own furrow for much of the time, but respond (and initiate sometimes) in respect of your H. Also remember, quick normally isn't good at times like these - slow is better.

Yesterday I spoke to a g/friend who is a mental health and addictions support worker, she has been following my sitch and offering advice when I am stuck. I told her I wished h would show more "action" and get on with rebuilding our relationship -

Her answer "what do you think he is doing? He is showing you the biggest action of all. Think about it - he has said to you that you are the woman he wants to be with, but he also knows that if comes back into your life now, as he is, then he will destroy both you and the relationship and he does not want to do that. He has recognized that he needs help to sort himself out and he is doing that willingly, no matter how hard he finds opening up to someone and facing very personal issues, he is doing it. He is trying hard to accommodate you in all of this, to keep communication open, to see you and be near you even when it pains him to do so - you remind him of all that he has done, yet he knows its what you need so he agrees to everything you ask of him, even when he does not feel he can give it. He is showing you that you are important to him. Be patient, he will come through this, he will come to you when he is ready. He has been and is going through a big ordeal, you cant see it because its all internally happening, allow him this time and he will love you more for it."

Wow. This is true, this is a big action from a broken man. I know I have been pushing him and I need to stand back and allow this to unfold at his pace, even if that does take months ....but hopefully not years ....

[mleigh4]

Your friend sounds wise. I admit, I admire your H for recognizing he is still working through things and keeping you away from that. We have seen how messy it gets when they come back too soon....

I agree with others that this is the most important time to take it slow. Stay focused and busy, you got this