Photoka's saga continues.

[overcom]

Judy hahhaha... I'm not the only one whose mind is in the gutter. Hahhaah....
photo I love bargain shopping too.. actually I wish I was far away from home right now amd shopping g sounds great! Can I leave my email here??? I'd love to email you amd judy privately? !?!?

[gonegrl]

Judy and Overcom, you are both cracking me up. I'd love to email you or chat privately but I think its against the rules here? They won't even let us link to outside websites. I don't want to get in "trouble" - this is my best source of support.

And, just to clarify, my ex is so hot, he has been a model for some pretty big clients. The other guy, is cute, in an average guy way. Neither of them would be relationship material in my opinion. The ex is a player and the other guy is a nice guy but not for me.

[overcom]

Hahah your too funny. How can we find out? I know there is a big dbing on fb.

[Azzork]

Thanks Ghost, I didn't say ILY. Kept it in. I am still keeping insanely busy. Going to crash soon, I can't keep up this pace. But I am having fun, I am making new friends and strengthening the old friendships, so it's not all "faking it" , it is truly GAL but not at a realistic pace. As youve said in my thread, I think we're on the same track here. Tonight will be my fourth night out past 11 in a row. At some point, Im imagine Ill crash. But Im ENJOYING everything Im doing, and its not hurting me. So why stop, right?

I also have a confession to make. I reconnected with an ex boyfriend. Its been 26 years. This was my first love, and he broke my heart. I was curious and sent a FB friend request. Over the years he has sent me several, which I ignored. Its only been 2 days. Our first few messages were very innocent, I could even show my mom if I wanted. Or my H. But suddenly he escalated things and now I have this extremely attractive man who is willing to come and, ummm, visit me. Of course I will not take him up on that offer. Of course I told him I am married and that I shouldn't be flirting with him. Of course I flirted anyway. But again today told him I am married and that our conversation escalated too quickly. He said all the right things. Telling me how beautiful I am, how I am a good person. It was really nice to hear. I think he is done messaging me, I tried to be clear. It felt good to be wanted though, really good. I can imagine this. I can understand this. Feeling that sense that other people value who are is so....intoxicating. And not just kids or "guys/gals", but adults of the opposite sex. It's a dangerous siren's song. But Im right there with you. At some point............

And about a month or two ago a similar thing happened with an old friend- one I had never dated. He tracked me down and we exchanged emails and he is now suddenly "in love" and I swear I didn't even flirt with him! So this is what I am wondering. Are guys really this easy? Maybe because I am going through this crisis I am giving off some kind of vibe? Maybe youre doing it without really realizing? Or your threshold for "flirting" is lower?

And last night I was at S11's counseling appointment and I was totally crushing on the counselor. And it was embarrassing because my H was there and I was crushing on him at the same time. I'm like a hormonal teenager these days. At some point, I feel like I could have been writing this.

So I need to stick with my women friends because I realize my vulnerability right now. I am so lonely for male companionship. And I don't mean just sex.

All of these months I have been looking at my H and seeing what I thought he was, what I was missing, what I desperately wanted back, and lately when I look at him I see something else- a hurt, weak, lying, mess. And that is not attractive. And yet I still want him. Out of habit? Out of hope that he will resolve his personal crisis? Out of commitment and obligation? Out of love for the man he was before he went into this crisis mode? Maybe a mix of all of the above.

But my eyes are wandering..... I am going to a church group tonight. That should keep me in check. And I am cutting back on drinking wine. Have to keep my judgment clear.

I really do want my H. Im sure this is how your H and my W felt for months or years before this all happened. But Im right there with you. Its been however many months that theyve been in this crisis and we have been standing by them out of love, out of hope, out of commitment, getting nothing back from them and in some cases, worse than negative - NEGATIVE responses. But, here we stand. For what we believe in. What we want. What we want for our children.

Let's keep going, PK. I will choose to stand today.

[overcom]

Its been however many months that theyve been in this crisis and we have been standing by them out of love, out of hope, out of commitment, getting nothing back from them and in some cases, worse than negative - NEGATIVE responses. But, here we stand. For what we believe in. What we want. What we want for our children.

A I am right there with you and photo. ..

[gonegrl]

Azzork and Overcom, thanks. I will continue to stand today too.

And Azzork, I read through the chats and emails with my "boyfriends" and realized with one of them I flirted first. Well, I set up a comment that really lead up to it. And with the other it was all him. And inappropriately so, and I shut him down. I feel a little guilty reading the chat with my ex though, it got a little racey. I would not want my H to read what I wrote, ever. I would love it if I could have an exchange like that with him.

As far as our W's and H's feeling this way for a long time prior to BD. I get that. But I also don't "get" how they could have not communicated to us what was happening. Being unhappy is no excuse for walking out, why couldn't my H have picked up the phone and made an appointment with a MC before it got to that point? And sometimes I wonder if his "valid" reasons are real at all or just a smokescreen. The more I try to figure it out the more confused I get. I guess it doesn't matter, what is done is done. I am hoping for a better future.

All I know is that for all my faults, of which there were many, I did not deserve this. And at the same time, I still love him. And I am doing my best to keep myself going.

I cannot believe how much pain there still is this far into it.

[Azzork]

I read through the chats and emails with my "boyfriends" and realized with one of them I flirted first. Well, I set up a comment that really lead up to it. And with the other it was all him. And inappropriately so, and I shut him down. I feel a little guilty reading the chat with my ex though, it got a little racey. I would not want my H to read what I wrote, ever. I would love it if I could have an exchange like that with him.
Don't beat yourself up over it. You recognized it and shut it down. Learn from this and keep moving forward.

As far as our W's and H's feeling this way for a long time prior to BD. I get that. But I also don't "get" how they could have not communicated to us what was happening. Being unhappy is no excuse for walking out, why couldn't my H have picked up the phone and made an appointment with a MC before it got to that point? And sometimes I wonder if his "valid" reasons are real at all or just a smokescreen. The more I try to figure it out the more confused I get. I guess it doesn't matter, what is done is done. I am hoping for a better future.
I will never understand why my W thought that cutting and running off with OM was better for her, me, and our family. It's mind boggling that she felt like she could not approach me and have a serious discussion about where she was in her life and which needs were not being met. The "Im still young. Im not going to live this way another 50 years." mindset is understandable, but to have change, you need to embody change yourself. Somehow, they expected us to change, and when we didnt, they decide it hurts less to just run.

In the end, I guess I dont really blame her. She didnt and doesnt have the tools to deal with the feelings and emotions that she was experiencing. She chose to take the easy road. All I can do is see where it leads her.

For you, I think it's the same. To have change in your R, you need to be the embodiment of change. You need to evolve, to grow, to blossom. Keep using your time for good.

All I know is that for all my faults, of which there were many, I did not deserve this. And at the same time, I still love him. And I am doing my best to keep myself going.
No. None of us deserve this. But that doesnt take it away. All there is to do is learn about it, understand what happened, and move forward.

I cannot believe how much pain there still is this far into it.
Every day is a struggle. Nobody said this was going to be easy. At least make the pain worth it.

[overcom]

Photo I've asked my h why he cheated and walked away before and not communicate with me hey we need to talk I'm not happy bla bla bla amd his response was how did you not know we were having problems. I said we seemed happy. He's like ya cause I would suck it up. That's what my h says...

[overcom]

Photo I've asked my h why he cheated and walked away before and not communicate with me hey we need to talk I'm not happy bla bla bla amd his response was how did you not know we were having problems. I said we seemed happy. He's like ya cause I would suck it up. That's what my h says...

[gonegrl]

Overcome, I knew my H was unhappy too, but he wasn't doing anything about it. If I was truly unhappy I think I'd act.