Solo said " I can't help but feel like I'm being taken advantage of" Marriage is give and take. Screw the scorecard. Your taking one for the team.
Mutatio, yes it is, but it's a two way street. Love is a choice, we can choose love. Respect we earn for ourselves, to ourselves, and it isn't a one way flow.
As far as love is concerned,we love self more and more each day, a score card is unnecessary for our love can forbear, there is no shortage when we have self love. With respect and self respect we require dignity of thought and action of ourselves. In this way with a wayward the giving (other than love that we Chanel from our higher power) is not endless, it is conditional upon our boundaries being respected.
If we heal our self and our inner being (child) that self respect is automatic for us. I do believe that we should not feel we are being taken advantage of.
In my own sitch, WH can have the love I gave him freely which is my choice and that I still do, in unlimited quantities, take it all WH , giving love makes me stronger. I am very clear that I will not be abused or taken advantage of. That is not a score card, it is self respect and reasonable boundaries, in most sitches it stops cake eating.
I always think a scorecard is for behaviours not feelings. How many times I took out the trash vs the number of times you cleaned the loo. Even so when we D we need the score card, I spent this, you had those assets, you had 10 affairs, I had none etc.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/01/1507:49 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
What is the difference between cake-eating and progress?
In my situation, it seems like my W is watching to see if our R can improve due to changes we have both made. She even basically said as much. That there is in her mind the possibility of something romantic if she can see change. I know that my W values me greatly. People here keep saying that time is a gift. If I distance myself from the opportunities to spend time with her, have a friendship etc, then what am I doing to DB? It seems like I would just be letting it go. There are times where I see flickers of romantic interest in her.
I do have boundaries. I won't be physical with her beyond a goodbye hug. The only thing that will make that happen is if a slow-cook romantic R starts back up, and is backed with a declaration of intent. She is able to be physical with me and then have it shut off the next day. I have told her that I won't really be available to do husband stuff and that she's basically on her own beyond my financial support.
She is not to my knowledge in an active EA/PA, that seems to have burned out, but I know she's still going to have feelings for him for some time. So I'm trying to continue to work on me, find love for myself, get my confidence back, and then see what happens. Her and I have so much good stuff there. If she starts drifting or mistreating me, then I will take that as a sign to go full NC.
Does that sound sane?
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
I can't thank you enough for your words. They have planted seeds in my head that have flowered. They changed my frame and gave me the strength to deal with what I have this weekend.
I am still digesting a very densely-packed few days of incredible change in my relationship with my W. The wall came down and truth and forgiveness flowed. I took and gave with such powerful love and strength and I owe that to everyone on the board who has guided me into this place. I have a long and painful road ahead, but the earth is shaking with change, and I am truly learning what love is. Inside and out.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
Solo15, no matter what is happening it is important to keep the DB'ing principles in mind. You see green shots forming and it must be very encouraging, tend them well by keeping your "head in the game" while not losing sight of what your ultimately want to achieve. .
There is no point in going back to the old R, that failed and you ended up here, make the new R stronger and better by being conscious of your actions and knowing what it takes to create a strong bond that this time never breaks. Without this, sadly there is every chance you will end up here again.
If you think you really are on the road to recovery it probably makes sense to check in with the guys on the piecing forum, they are far better equipped to help you than many here, myself included.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I can't thank you enough for your words. They have planted seeds in my head that have flowered. They changed my frame and gave me the strength to deal with what I have this weekend.
I am still digesting a very densely-packed few days of incredible change in my relationship with my W. The wall came down and truth and forgiveness flowed. I took and gave with such powerful love and strength and I owe that to everyone on the board who has guided me into this place. I have a long and painful road ahead, but the earth is shaking with change, and I am truly learning what love is. Inside and out.
That is what we want for you Solo. That connection to your higher power for that it is what it is.
There is much more to come, once shift starts then change upon change, growth upon growth. You will come to see this as a joyous time of change.
I am so proud of you
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Avanti Message received. I'm never going to stop DBing. It can't stop. I will consider posting in that forum, though I'm not sure things are there yet. Thanks!
Vanilla Thanks so much for all your help over the last few weeks. It has really made some big changes for me. Much of what you said took a lot of introspection to fully grasp, but once the gears got turning the changes took effect.
mutatio Thank you for keeping up with me. You have been a real help to me through this and I look forward to your situation improving.
So as a general update I'll try and make it brief, though it's complicated.
So last weekend, my W invited me over to hang out with her and the kids. She was texting and calling me a ton trying to convince me. I got a vibe. I went over. What happened that night was something incredible. The wall came down. She basically cracked. She begged me to forgive her, she owned what she had done in the past to break our relationship. She said that she loves me, that she has intense feelings for me, and that I am the most amazing person she has ever known. She said that her and OM are over. Some of what prompted all this was that lets just say that he gave her a terrible gift. One she gets to keep her whole life. It's a big complication. One that could easily affect me too if I'm not careful. She had been holding that in since it happened, was dealing with huge shame. Did not think I could handle it or would want her again because of it. What she didn't know is the depth of my love for her. She didn't know how strong I am. I was awesome and hit every note of compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, strength, and mercy. We were passionately physical, though we didn't ML. I can't handle that on a number of levels. I'll get to that more in a bit.
The following day we went out for breakfast just her and I. Had a nice time. What followed was a 3 hour long talk about our R. She basically said that she hadn't forgiven me before because it was her way of refusing to own her contribution to all our problems. She knows how much she's put me through. She said that she didn't want to be in a relationship yet. That she was 80% sure that she never would want that with anyone again. She said she was enjoying being single, not so she could be with other people but because she enjoys the freedom she has now, and feels that she is too broken of a person to be good for someone else. She told me that she didn't want me to suffer, knows everything she's put me through, and that while the idea of me being with someone else would break her, she new it was a lot to ask for me to wait. She said that if she followed her heart she would just jump right back into a R with me, but her head was telling her not to. That she needed time to understand her life. To see if I really loved her.
I told her that I understood where she was. That I'm not really ready to jump back in either. She said that she will continue to try and seduce me, that she's immensely attracted to me. Apologized for it ahead of time. Said lots of really sweet things to me, many of them really rebuilt my ego. She said she still has feelings for OM, and wants to remain friends. She told me that she would tell me in words if she wanted to get back together with me. I told her that I didn't really want to be with someone else. That I would wait for her because she is who I want to be with, and I'm not in a hurry to fill that part of my life with someone else. That I'm just going to keep working to be the best man I can be.
So now my feelings. I was upset by some of this for obvious reasons, but it was the most purely truthful and clear conversation we have ever had about where things stand, and about what happened in the past. We kissed and held hands throughout this whole conversation. It was healing for me. I didn't fully realize that the weight that was dragging me down through all of this was the feeling that I was totally responsible for everything(at least in her mind), and that she had lost her feelings for me. I can really see and understand where she is, and I accept that. She has been honest and forth write with herself and me. The coldness is gone. The crazy is gone. The anger towards me, the lack of loving kindness. Gone. The physical barrier. Gone. The wall is down. Everything is a broken mess, but our bond is still there. The color of our life is different. It can never be the same. That life is gone. I am strong enough to accept a new life, whatever that looks like. Now I am free to build it into something great.
Through the following week, she has maintained that frame. I have seen her several times, things have even remained physical. Sweetly so. We have kissed and touched more passionately and with more intimacy than I think ever. I made this choice that I am ok with going after her a bit. That in some ways she never felt like I pursued her physically or romantically. So now that I don't have anything to lose, I'm just going for it. And she's not pushing me away. In fact, she's trying to get me into bed. To stay the night. Even without ML. She just wants me there. I held her on the couch and we watched a movie last night. She's just being really sweet. So I'm kinda splitting the difference. I'm keeping it playful and flirty, but not heavy or needy. Almost teasing her a little. It's not on purpose either, but all this self development has given me some mojo and it's cool to have that confidence. In some ways I'm showing her how it could be. How I've changed. Keeping it chill, a little aloof, and being honest in my attraction to her.
Emotionally, I'm pretty detached. All of the physical stuff triggers potent images of her with OM. She feels different in my hands. Like a stranger in some ways. I mean physically. Like my emotional response to her is weird. I had so much momentum built up to drop her, that I was like a freight train running off a cliff. My love for her is huge, but I'm finding my attraction for her to be very complicated. Gone is the pure little girl I once knew. The person I shared my life with. Gone is the trust, the fidelity. That special bond between two people that had only been together. That's kind of it I think. Sometimes I feel like because there was someone else, still is in some ways, I just can't find that closeness that was there. At least in my heart. Plus it has been a really long time since I touched her that way. Since she touched me that way, with more than just lust. It all feels both good and empty at the same time. Like I have huge feelings of love for her, and while I am physically attracted to her, romantically I'm kind of short on feelings. It's different than I thought I would feel. I think that we believe that we can go back to what we had, so we imagine it will be like that. But then when it happens, we are too different. There is something new and terrible in the mix and it just can never be like it was. But it can be something new. So that's what I'm focusing on. It's almost like she finally grew up, but it took this monster wave of self destruction to push her into it. In the end, we finally made up. We had the talk I've been dieing for for so long. I'm finally vindicated, and she knows how much I love her.
So as it stands, my head is clear. For the first time in 2 years, I don't think about her every moment. I'm not obsessed and I'm somehow mature enough to accept my situation for what it is. There is big hope, but also freedom from the years of abuse and unhappiness that I've been mired in. I'm detached from the outcome because I now value my self and look forward to the future.
I had a girl ask me out on a date this week. I declined, but I find it interesting that as soon as I get my confidence back...
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
I am so happy for you, your wife and your children. That's not a home run that's a grand slam!
You did it, all your hard work paid off. You had undaunted courage and persevered during the darkest of days. When your life seems a little difficult in the future you remember how you walked through hell and made it out a better man.
