Whyus, I am not sure that I am doing all that well, but I am trying. I would do anything to keep my family whole, and W knows that. But it's up to her now. I HAVE to let her figure it out on her own. Wish I would have realized that months earlier, would have made the road back much shorter.
Thanks for the support all. I need it
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Please tell me that the pain, worry, fear, etc. get easier to handle. I know that my M is dead. I hope to start a new one with my W. How long do you have to make a change stick, for someone to believe that it is sincere? I know now that I will never take someone for granted again. So there has been some good in all this process. I am not grumpy like I was, which was one of her complaints. I do not drink to avoid problems anymore. I am working towards being more outgoing and friendly.
My goals include being more optimistic, less codependent, being an even more awesome dad, being a better friend, enjoy life!, make my changes stick, regain more of my confidence.
Hopefully W gets through this time in her life and wants to join me again. If so, my stipulations are to talk through problems and not let them fester, and I want and need to feel like a priority. I have taken a backseat to the kids and our friends, and sometimes her family. I will not stand for that anymore. I love my kids, but they are involved in everything... and it took up way too much of our time. There was no "us" time left after working, remodeling, kids activities, etc.
At least I have some goals now, that I need to make more actionable, and I know what was missing for me in our M. I have fixed/quit the negative things that she asked for in our M They are baby steps, but they are mine.
Now to just be able to be happier when I see her. Keep standing for my M. Keep moving forward. Hope like h3ll that her fog lifts and she comes to me again.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
W texted me 4 times earlier. I waited 30 mind before texting back. It was all kid stuff, with a few extra tidbits thrown in. But, after last night, it felt good that she made contact again. Back to DB work...
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Here is what most LBH'S don't seem to grasp. When he hears her drop the bomb, it wakes him up and he's ready to work and repair the MR. However, the reason she dropped the bomb in the first place, is b/c she has reached the end. She feels she cannot endure anymore, and has no desire or intentions of working to repair things. She's done!
So, why do LBH'S seem perplexed when their W doesn't show any effort to join him in trying to make their M work? They are on two different paths. They have two different mindsets. To me, it seems it would be very self-defeating for a LBH to continue to be disappointed that his W is making no changes, showing any effort, or cooperating with him to fix the MR.
Actually, I do try to empathize. However, he needs to remember that he has been awaken and ready to go to work. She has resigned and called it a day. It will take a long time before she'll want to commit again. .
Changing the dynamics will get her attention, and you will get everything from temp checks to being ignored.
It is normal to miss the W she use to be. You loved her. There's a good chance that you will see her again one day. I sure hope you do.
^^^^^^^^^^. This is golden ^^^^^^^^^^^
Lbh will then do anything to try to make it better right but it is too late for her
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Alright. I like where your head is. Lets get to some work!
My goals include being: more optimistic How ae you going to do this? Have you watched the TED talk by Shawn Achor? I think you should try the Happiness challenge.
less codependent what steps are you taking? reading books? Taking actions?
being an even more awesome dad by doing what? helping with HW, reading books, extra outings, etc?
being a better friend what kinds of things will you do? validation? GAL activities?
enjoy life! Similar to the first one. What are your goals for happiness?
make my changes stick How ae you going to measure this?
regain more of my confidence. By doing what? dressing better? eating better? sleeping more? etc
Set em up so that you can really see your life laid out. I think it's the only way to actually make sure that you hit them.
Thanks az. I know they are vague, and I need to tie actions to them to quantify it. Those are all good questions though, and should help me do it.
I understand that they were just set out in a vague fashion originally. But thats easy. Its really easy to say "My goal is to enjoy life. My goal is to be a great dad." Those were ALWAYS my goals, even in the years where I WASNT being a great dad or enjoying life. I just didnt ever have plans in place to do them, so I forgot about them and deprioritized them.
I just worry when these vague concepts get floated out as "goals" because its so EASY to do that, which makes it EASY to assume that you are doing them.
For me, it has been so important to list things out in detail that I can keep them out in front of me and accomplish them.
Great dad: play more with the boys be more attentive find more teachable moments
More optimistic: Try and squish negative ideas Avoid negative people Thank God for something every time I pray Watch the TED talk thing that I keep hearing about
Less CD: detach I am responsible for my own feelings... repeat 1 billion times!
Better friend: Listen AND validate accept more invites not be such a recluse take nothing for granted
Enjoy life: Be grateful Enjoy the boys Maybe run a 5k? Start working on some projects (wood lathe, get my antique truck running)
Make changes stick: be accountable Find someone to hold me accountable
Regain confidence: Exercise more Sleep more Posture PMA Do the other goals on the list, and confidence will come
Better?
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
OK...lets keep going through. Remember, were looking for SMART goals - specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time based. In general, I think they are all good things you should be doing. But youre going to want to know whether you are doing them or not.
Great dad: play more with the boys is there a target for time? or activity? be more attentive how? keeping your phone away? helping with HW? find more teachable moments again, how? talks at bedtime?
More optimistic: Try and squish negative ideas ...try...? What will you do to "squish" them? Avoid negative people do you have a list of who that is? Thank God for something every time I pray good. Make it something different each time! Watch the TED talk thing that I keep hearing about Theres two that I had recommended by 25years - one by Amy Cuddy and one by Shawn Achor. I also like the one by Brene Brown if you want extra credit
Less CD: detach ok...thats too easy. HOW? I am responsible for my own feelings... repeat 1 billion times! Maybe say this to yourself every time you look in the mirror?
Better friend: Listen AND validate good accept more invites can you accept ALL invites unless you have a kid-related thing? not be such a recluse maybe limit your TV time? or video game time? How will you measure this? take nothing for granted ok....how?
Enjoy life: Be grateful Can you try to say thank you to 3 different people each day? Or say thank you to one person for something you wouldnt normally thank them for each day? Enjoy the boys how to measure? Do one or two "special activities" per month? Go for a treat once a week? Maybe run a 5k? Pick one and sign up! Start working on some projects (wood lathe, get my antique truck running) whats your timeline?
Make changes stick: be accountable Write them out specifically and emasure yourself against them! Find someone to hold me accountable we can hold you accountable if you post them
Regain confidence: Exercise more more = how much? Sleep more more = how much? Posture Watch the TED talk! Do it! PMA Good Do the other goals on the list, and confidence will come Yep!
