I know where you are coming from on the being baffled by irreconcilable differences when there has been no real effort to reconcile. My W just told me she was down to once a month w/ her IC who wasn't sure she even needed that. I let out a little "really, with all your issues?" before I could catch myself. She said I don't really have any issues. Just swallowed a big STFU smoothie.
Wanted to bring up last weekend, her covering over so much anger toward me, seeing me as the cause of all her unhappiness, her destroying a family despite not working on our issues. Still amazing how much I can get triggered by the self-denial and taking the easy way out.
I keep telling myself that there is really nothing I can do or say that will wake her up to the self-deception, and that even trying would not be good for us. Knowing that is one thing, but even with all my calm and detachment, it is still hard not to have it rile me up for a bit in astonishment and disappointment with her.
I know my reaction should be, oh goody, she just showed me something else I can be working on in myself. Still doesn't feel good in the moment.
Hang in there.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I do have the power to chose how I react. I have been angry all week at my WAW but today woke up and thought, "you know you can chose to look at this a different way, a way that doesn't leave you feeling like this." It kind of made me stop in my tracks. There's always a choice in how we react. Even on the awful days.
Thank you As, Sunny and Mutatio, your thoughts are a big help.
Today is the start of a new week, my first appt with a L, and my last week with Woofie for a bit. It's all very real right now. Still taking things one day at a time.
I had dinner on Saturday night with a good friend that just got dumped by her long term boyfriend. We had a lot to talk about. She said that all she wanted was for him to come to her and say, "I understand that this is very painful for you. Hurting you wasn't my intention but I realize that I have."
I could definitely resonate with that. It may never happen and I imagine that the highest path to take is to find ways to have peace without ever hearing it, but I'd like the same respect. I'm working towards not needing it and finding ways to understand that it makes sense to me without needing it as well.
What a journey this all is.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Thank you As, Sunny and Mutatio, your thoughts are a big help.
Today is the start of a new week, my first appt with a L, and my last week with Woofie for a bit. It's all very real right now. Still taking things one day at a time.
I had dinner on Saturday night with a good friend that just got dumped by her long term boyfriend. We had a lot to talk about. She said that all she wanted was for him to come to her and say, "I understand that this is very painful for you. Hurting you wasn't my intention but I realize that I have."
I could definitely resonate with that. It may never happen and I imagine that the highest path to take is to find ways to have peace without ever hearing it, but I'd like the same respect. I'm working towards not needing it and finding ways to understand that it makes sense to me without needing it as well.
What a journey this all is.
Remember that we all are just trying our best to be happy and avoid suffering. It isn't intentional infliction of pain. It may be that to avoid suffering, as they see it, they need to hurt you. But they don't intend you pain, most likely. Just sad that they can't figure out how to deal with their own pain more effectively.
It is a journey, and look how far we have all come. It may not be where we hoped it would lead in terms of our Rs, but look how far we've come.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I've been thinking about you. I saw your post in my thread and answered and gave advice there.
Hang in there, brother! Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and swinging by my thread.
You'll be ok.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thanks As, I hear what you're saying. I think being the LBS puts us in a position immediately to be apologetic for anything that we may have done to cause pain to our partners. I know that I have specifically apologized for hurting my W in all of the ways that I know I did.
Part of this was post-BD when I was trying to win her back, but later on when I had time to contemplate and get clear about a lot of things I did it as well, but from a place of true apology, with no agenda. All I've gotten from my W is a "I'm sorry if anything I've done may have hurt you".
It will be what it will be. As you said, she may not be willing to admit to herself that she has hurt me. She still wants to scratch the back of my neck when we hug for heaven's sake.
I met with a L yesterday which was kind of awful. Just rehashed everything and made me realize that this will be expensive either way. Not fun, but another step in the process.
Still taking things one day at a time.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
It's just money. I got hung up on that as well. The WW and I were on such a good track financially and then BD. Yes, it'll set you back a bit but you'll recover. I know you will. It'll be fine.
It s*cks that you have to do it but you and I know that this is what we have to do.
Like Vanilla said to me and I believe her. Just let go and what will be will be (not her actual words).
Thinking of you man. You'll get there.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Thanks NDY, I appreciate it. I know it's just money, I feel you on that. I know I'll make it up and have been reorienting my entire business life. When I was married my finances weren't that good but I've spent a lot of this year learning about how to work with money in a better way.
I appreciate your support, sincerely.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
