I think it's a good start, too, Clay. Seems today my message is "time and patience". So hard to remember when your heart is shattered...but we're here for you!
I have to try keep reminding myself of that. We are now on pleasant speaking terms and doing effectively co-parenting. Interestingly, one of the main reasons she said it was over was because we didn't agree on how to raise the kids.
As much as I want to try to hold her hand, hug her or kiss her, I am going to refrain and if we start spending time together, I am going to let her make the first move.
As far as patience goes, I usually have very little, but I am going to be patient now because this is a huge step and it is better than I thought it would be.
What she admitted to me was huge, but I know it is only scratching the surface and there is a lot of work to be done. Even she said that.
Talked to W tonight when she dropped off the kids, as we had some logistics to work out for tomorrow. I told her I signed the papers and sent them in to my attorney today. All she said was "okay". She is being "friendly", but distant. She has done this before too. Actually, she has been like that for the past year. I feel like a yo-yo. I am so impatient and impulsive that I want to ask questions, but I know it is not advised. I had a DB coach tell me that about 9 months ago. Like I said, I am not patient and I am afraid I will lose her because she is always changing what she is saying and I don't know from one day to the next what is going to happen. As a couple of therapists have mentioned, that is the "push-pull" that people like her do.
Anyway, I am still trying to find ways to be patient, but she keeps talking about her life and how we are separate. being on her own (which she isn't yet) is a new thing for her. If she ever moves out of her parents' house, she may find she doesn't like it as much as she thinks, but says she may not move out.
Again, she was pleasant today, but different than she was 3 days ago.
Clay, I wanted to come over here to your thread and post my reply to your inquiry about resources for women in MLC.
"Clay, There are other forums out there that address the issue of MLC for women, but you'll need to "google" for them. We aren't allowed to post them here.
Whether she worked or stayed home, the bottom line is that she feels that she missed something along the way. She has some childhood issues that need to be resolved and until she resolves them, she'll continue in crisis.
Technically, the resources would be the same and the DB techniques would apply. No matter what you find in the way of research, there is no brass ring that will wake her up and bring her back to you. You have to still allow her to go through her crisis and if she begins to reconnect, then you'll need to be patient."
As I have suggested previously on my thread, you should create a thread in the MLC Forum, whereby others will post directly to you and you can then follow your situation and see the progress that you are making along the way.
Clay, Every person has life transitions, i.e., ages: 13, 20, 30, 40, etc. Most people are able to navigate those transitions smoothly and very seldom have a crisis take place. Why? Because they developed good, strong coping skills as they grew up.
Those who are unable to navigate some, if not all of those transitions, develop poor coping skills and when midlife looms in front of them, they can't cope. They begin to question their lives, i.e., are they where they wanted to be at this time in their lives, have I done all of the things I wanted to do, what did I miss out on and yes, they begin to get restless and when something comes along that hits the switch and they begin to detach from us, generally 18-24 months prior to the bomb, they become depressed and unhappy and think we are the reason for that unhappiness, just as they think the relationship is the problem as well.
Bottom line, it doesn't matter if she was a nun, an engineer, a stay at home mom, etc., if she had childhood issues and her coping skills are poor, she was destined to have a crisis because there are some things that she's stuffed down for years and years that have now come to the surface and need to be faced head on and dealt w/in her own way. Whether she confronts the people who stunted her emotional growth years ago or not, she will need to figure that out on her own.
The best thing you can do is let her go and leave the door ajar. It takes years for them to come thru the crisis and some will return as the people you knew and loved and others will come out the other end of the rabbit hole w/some of the habits/quirks that they picked up along the way, then there are others who won't be the same at all. And, yes, there are some that remain stuck in the rabbit hole for the rest of their lives looking for that illusive happiness and pot of gold under the rainbox. Which will your wife be? No one knows at this time.
Let her go and find a way to live your life as if she may never return. Life is far too short to sit there and wait on her. You only have one life to live...so live it. If she comes back, I will be happy for you. If she doesn't, you will have gotten stronger and learned a lot about yourself during your journey and then can move forward and hopefully have met someone who will love you for you.
For now...try not to analyze her every word, thought or behavior. It will drive you nuts if you allow it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Clay. Just finding your story now. Haven't read your entire sitch yet so sorry if you have mentioned this before....just wondering how your kids are doing during this time, has your W walked away from them?
Hi Clay. Just finding your story now. Haven't read your entire sitch yet so sorry if you have mentioned this before....just wondering how your kids are doing during this time, has your W walked away from them?
Hi JPeg,
Very difficult to explain and if you see my original post, you will see that some people jumped all over me asking "what did you do". The reason I explained things the way I did , is because I have spent the last 18 years apologizing in order to make peace with someone who does not apologize and have done so even more inn the last year since she left and have finally gotten tired of it. My post was not in any way intended to disparage my wife. I love her very much, but become frustrated when I am always wrong.
I believe there is a possibility she is going through a MLC (and I believe has been since she was about 18-19), but we had a MC/Psych who told me she didn't think it was a MLC because she has these personality issues. I do think though there is a possibility that it is a MLC, but there is much more to it. My WAW has done quite a bit for me, but has (IMO) had one foot out the door during our entire marriage because she is rarely content with what she has.
As mentioned earlier, she told me last week, she has manipulated many people in her life to get what she wanted. I was shocked, as I have never heard her say anything like that. That was a huge step for her.
She still wants to go through with the divorce, as she said it is what she needs right now in order to feel like she is on her own, but that it is only paper, indicating that there is a possibility of a relationship now and in the future and to not worry about the symbolism of the certificate. She goes back and forth though, but we have been getting along better since we had that talk.
Many who know her, including me, think that she will not begin to grow and change until she moves out of her parents' house, but she said she might just stay there.
Not sure if I provided enough information, as there is so much to tell. I am not big on writing and trying to explain myself and my feelings on a computer screen.
Hi Clay. Just finding your story now. Haven't read your entire sitch yet so sorry if you have mentioned this before....just wondering how your kids are doing during this time, has your W walked away from them?
I guess I missed your question.
She did not walk away from them. She originally wanted full custody with me only with them every other weekend. It was obvious at first that it was for the $$$. We now split the time with the kids.
Kids say they are doing fine, but they have been very emotional since they are split between the two houses and W has shown no respect for me (until this past week). S2 has dropped out of all of his activities and basically wants to do nothing. He also recently stole a very large sum of cash from me two weeks ago. I knew it was him, but he denied it and has been until tonight. I told him if he was honest with me, I would not call the police back out here. He finally confessed. I had to keep my word, but prior to tonight, WAW and I talked about pressing charges. He says he was angry with me because I yell a lot. I told WAW and she said she doesn't believe a word he says. He says the separation has nothing to do with his behavior, but I don't buy it.
WAW and I are on better speaking terms lately, but she still says she needs for this to go through for now.
I wasn't sure when the divorce would be final, but I found out from my 15 year old daughter about a month ago. She informed me that her mom had told her it became final on October 9th. I had no idea and thought we were still married.
I ran into ExW a few days later at the tire store. She changed her story from what she told me before when we sat down together and talked. She claimed that she never said she had manipulated a lot of people in order to get her way. She claims that what she said was that she had manipulated people in her family to get out of family events because she knew I didn't want to go. The crazy-making stories never end. She also said that her son's wife to be is going to screw up his life. He is getting married in two weeks and she will not be attending. He told her several months ago that if she didn't stop being mean to people, her would not be invited. It makes me sad for her that she will not be attending because she has chosen to be the victim and claim she wasn't invited and that he dis-owned her instead of taking responsibility for her own actions and being the adult instead of putting it on him.
As far as the kids go, they both seem to be having issues. My son who just turned 17 this week and is still home-schooled, does not want to interact with anyone except for a couple of his friends. My daughter is struggling in school, has relationship issues and has expressed to me that she is upset that we are divorced, but ExW claims that the kids wanted this to happen.'
She is still living with her parents after more than a year, but claims she will be moving into an apartment next month, but wants to make sure my job is stable first (it is a temp job), as she will have to move back in with them if I lose my job and am not able to support her financially.
I have been going to therapy weekly and am working on myself, but am still distraught over the break-up of the family.
