as_it_is - my advanture continues (part 5)

[Avanti]

asitis, you are too nice, pick a fight, have a row, get some of the frustration out. Not in front of the kids if that's possible.

You are a smart guy so know the rules regarding arguments (there's plenty on the web if you need to brush up and it's always concise) so don't let it get out of hand and if it does, or when it's just getting silly or going round in circles, do something stupid, tell a joke, say something really mad, take all your clothes off and say I am doing this because it's impossible to argue without any clothes on, or just start laughing, whatever comes to mind at the time that is completely absurd.

You maybe thinking this'll make her move away from you, maybe she will, or she may start telling you things about how she feels rather than being so strange as you've described. So be prepared to listen hard.

Arguments clear the air, when was the last time you had one with her pre-BD? If it was a long time ago, maybe that's part of the problem...

Anger is not wrong in itself, misuse of anger is, so use it wisely which you are more than capable of doing.

We are so conditioned by society that arguments are wrong (especially in marriage), that's so wrong in itself we are all bottled up individuals and there needs to be healthy semi-regular outlets or else resentment build and we all are experiencing where that leads...

Remember, you may not get instant results but there is every chance it won't be long before you'll see a change.

Of course, this might all sound completely mad, maybe it is, give it some thought though and you might see it's not quite as dumb as it may seem.

[asitis]

It was in front of the kids, and we have not had much opportunity to talk where the kids were not present. I was already planning to raise the problem of her being superficially nice and pleasant but nursing all this anger that comes out at the strangest times.

Who knows where that will lead.

W also told me that her IC recommended someone to talk w/ out some of our S6's issues. I told her: "to be blunt, I have serious reservations about your IC based on some of the things she has advised or said, especially regarding the kids." I had already gotten a referral, from a faculty member I really trust. I had told her about this, and said that I hadn't pursued it because at the time W didn't seem interested.

She hasn't responded to that. So, don't think I'm just being a push over. I just am not going to get all that worked up, as I and my DB coach don't see that having a positive effect on getting her to wake up and reconsider anything.

I also try to wait until I can consult my DB coach before figuring out how to proceed. Usually, I find that by that time, I've already figured out which of my core beliefs was being violated and triggering a drive to want to correct my W or fix our M.

[asitis]

Oh, and just to clarify, I'm planning on discussing w/ my DB coach asking W to go to counseling on the co-parenting situation. I mentioned this back after last week's to-do w/ my W. I am fairly certain it would be a good idea to allow us to address some of the resentments and dysfunction that could interfere w/ co-parenting. Not sure DB coach will concur, and if she does, how she will suggest broaching the subject.

My IC thinks agrees that it is probably necessary given W's behavior and failure to work on her part of the R that will be critical to a healthy co-parenting R. Suspect my W will resist the idea. Hence, my leaving things peaceful until the DB coach call. Still a bit a way, but I can wait.

In the meantime, I've already got my feelers out for a better M & Family Therapist with the kind of training I know we need. Have a couple good candidates lined up.

BTW, I think this is my 1000th post. Never would have imagined it.

[mutatio]

I want you to know that I think you managing this situation in a wise, kind and compassionate manner. I hope I can do as good a job as you. Be well

[asitis]

Not much to report here. Somewhat easier work week (at least I'm not really far behind on sleep like previous weeks from working late). Friendly exchanges w/ W, although I sort of in-and-out on her a couple times. When she sees me in the halls I still get a wave - not that this means anything, as I've learned.

We are supposed to meet to have another D negotiation this weekend. Almost thought she forgot, but she e-mailed this afternoon to ask about Sunday because of babysitter availability. Was sort of hoping that she would let it pass, as I'd like to let things settle a bit more after the last session and her follow-on blow up, but no luck.

I've checked in on others' threads a bit, and maybe I'll get some time later this weekend to catch up on a few others.

[Avanti]

Islas to hear you are well Asitis.

I had one of those "I think she's forgotten moments" too this week but it wasn't to be.

I realised that by holding back it hanged the focus onto me rather than us, even though it's stuff I don't want to talk about. I do not want to have the finger pointed of "he's dragging his heels" at me. At the same time it doesn't stop me asking for what I want and being clear, even if it means disagreement. It's not being unreasonable, it's standing up for myself without a hint of belligerence. Something I've failed to do before and probably helped to chip away some of the respect my W once had for me.

[mutatio]

Just wanted to say that I hope your regular Sunday meeting goes as well as can be expected. Remember, all it takes is one ah-ha moment to change the whole dynamic. So be true to yourself and continue to set the stage for that moment.
In other words, just be yourself.

[asitis]

Looks like the meeting might be off, as the babysitter cancelled due to the flu. Good, except she was also supposed to watch S6 on Monday when he is off school.

Took the boys out to dinner. Been feeling a bit more sexually frustrated the last day or so. Not just for W, but in general. At dinner, a very young waitress (college sophomore) seemed to be flirting a little extra towards me. Now normally I don't read anything into this, as it means even less from a waitress earning tips. Still, the interaction was a bit charged, including a very long look at one point. Not going there, but that didn't help. It's been so damned long. Don't want to go down that path at this time, and I recognize that I desire something beyond mere sex (OK, not mere perhaps, especially the first time the drought ends). I keep telling myself that it's a good opportunity to practice, but wish it would pass so I can get my head straight.

Coffee for one just ain't a substitute.

Ah well, this too shall pass.

[Avanti]

Sounds like your babysitter being sick is a blessing and a curse, what are your options as far a your D is concerned on Monday.

It sounds like your dinner experience was very interesting and you took a long hard look at the menu but that diet you are on is worth sticking with or else you'll have a whole load more unnecessary "stuff" to deal with and won't be solved with antacids. Still there is nothing wrong with checking all of the menus out whenever you fancy, even if it makes your stomach rumble. ;-)

[asitis]

I was only going to have the babysitter from 1-4, and W should be able to take S @ 2 I hope.

These meetings are chances to DB, but I don't mind spacing them out to allow them to work on us. I was the one who said I was likely going to be out of town next weekend so we should have our meeting this weekend, so I get points for not dragging it out and yet ...

Yes, I was very tempted. It seemed fairly clear that a casual, fun short-term R was on the menu. Never hit on a waitress before, as I'm fully aware of the flirt for tips. This young woman was either a lot more skilled at subtlety than others or it was genuine interest - she must have some real daddy issues, as while I don't look my age, I'm clearly not in her target demographic. It was especially weird that my boys were sitting right there, so I was definitely not flirting back in front of them. It was unsettling. Still in my current mood, it didn't help certain ideas drift gently off.